Arbitrary Grades for Chocolate Biscuits

Arbitrary Grades for Chocolate Biscuits
From the Cadbury Chocolate Biscuit Selection: Simply Shortcake: It’s a little bar of shortbread covered in milk chocolate, so it basically tastes of nothing but the milk chocolate. Look, I’m not going to tell you how to live your life, but I think shortbread is a biscuit that’s just not trying hard enough to be ...

Voldemom 1

So yes, I know all about Voldemort’s tragic backstory(TM)1, I’ve read the books. But think how much more interesting it would have been if, at the beginning of book four when you-know-who is about to murder hapless Frank Bryce, the Voldemom comes shuffling out of the shadows in a floral print housecoat and carpet slippers, curlers ...

FAQ: What is SFWA in charge of?*** 15

Things SFWA is in charge of: The Nebula Awards! Writer Beware! SFWA.org GriefCom! The SFWA Emergency Medical fund The SFWA Bulletin and other publications that say “SFWA” on it like that one awesome cookbook with the super alcoholic Irish coffee recipe in. Things SFWA is not in charge of: Worldcon The Hugo Awards The success or ...

In which my housemate saves my life 6

So no shit, there I was. Which is to say, I was in my bedroom, because I needed to take a shower and wash the gel out of my hair. I turned on the light, and there was a thing on the wall above my fucking bed. A big, brown thing. It had approximately five million ...

In which I answer (spam?) e-mail out loud. 1

from: christian bile to: katsuhiro at gmail.com date: Thu, May 8, 2014 at 4:13 AM subject: hey i’d like to know if u r an illuminaati member? Good question! Actually, I’m an Illuminaaati member. They’re easy to get confused, but one is sort of an off-brand Illuminati that’s generally manufactured in sweatshops by children who are ...

OH MY GOD GUYS I’M GONNA JOIN THE ILLUMINATI 2

from: candis.alston@xxxxxx bcc: katsuhiro@gmail.com date: Sun, Apr 13, 2014 at 1:37 PM subject: INVITATION TO THE GREAT ILLUMINATI Your email was selected among the ten lucky people giving the opportunity of becoming rich and popular by joining the great Illuminati network for more details please contact email ([redacted]) for more details. Er. Wait. No. I’m ...

[“Fiction”] And My Death Song, the Chair

[TW: Melodramatic suicide] I lean against the metal door, the cold of it biting through the inadequate barrier of my jeans and jacket. My head throbs, skin pulled by the bandaid I stuck to my forehead to pull that split skin shut. It had looked disturbingly like a grin, gape-mouthed and toothless, on my forehead, ...

Worse pies were et, indeed.

This is, without a doubt, the most brilliant piece of spam e-mail I have ever received. At least I’m assuming it’s spam. It’s from someone named Juan Barry (I don’t know anyone by that name) and is completely incoherent, in that special way you expect from spam. Yet there are no links, no attachments. Just ...

In Which Loki Conquers Natural Wonders

Another day, another adventure, another bit of the realm to conquer. This time, to a place called Colorado Springs.  The best plan of attack, Loki decided, was to start at the top and work his way down. He made his way to Manitou Springs, and found a curious building at the base of Pike’s Peak. ...

In which Loki moves back to Denver, at last.

It was at last time for Loki to leave his temporary lair in Houston, Texas, to return to Denver. But not before a few loose ends were to be tied. So we meet again, House of Pies. Very funny, mortal. And by very funny, I mean you will choke on your own blood. Bring forth ...