50 Shades of Nuh-uh. 4

All right, I’m flinging up my hands on this. I’ve poked at the 50 Shades Darker fundraiser repeatedly, and I think I’m basically shouting into the overwhelming roar of THE WORLD BEING ON FUCKING FIRE, so I don’t feel that bad, really. Also, the few responses I’ve gotten at all to trying to fundraise off the oncoming ...

Okay, monsters, this is the deal. (50 Shades Darker) 2

My nemesis “wants me back.” You’ll recall that last year, I tangled with Fifty Shades of Grey for the bargain price of $843 and somehow managed to crawl my way out with only a mild hangover. I’ve been training. I’ve been drinking a lot of beer. But I see that the sequel has stepped up its ...

[Movie] Gods of Egypt: Should’ve got the lettuce wrap 11

[Movie] Gods of Egypt: Should've got the lettuce wrap
Well, you jerks gave enough money to Act For Change. You paid for my suffering. Here’s what you get. And by the way? The manager at my local Alamo Drafthouse, who now recognizes me on sight, initially assumed I was there to watch Kiki’s Delivery Service. Oh no, I told him. Gods of Egypt. His eyebrows ...

Gods of Suffering. I Mean Egypt. 3

And lo, in the year of our Lord 2016, Hollywood is giving us an Egypt so white it almost looks like the Oscars. Just kidding. One of the Egyptian gods (Thoth) actually is played by an African-American actor, which makes this movie significantly more diverse than the 2016 Academy Awards and let’s just contemplate that ...

A Monday Treat(?) – those 50 Shades of Grey notes 1

A Monday Treat(?) - those 50 Shades of Grey notes
So back in February, a bunch of people donated the princely sum of over $800 to domestic violence charities to make me watch and blog about 50 Shades of Grey. I’d hoped to get a bit more money for charity by holding my handwritten notes hostage; that didn’t succeed. After thinking about it, and looking ...

Want to make me watch San Andreas?

A lot of people have been asking me about this one. Come on, it can’t be that bad, can it? AHAHAHAHAHAHA ha ha ha haaaaa Well. Uh. I like the Rock? And the geologist isn’t wearing a white labcoat? And watching the Rayleigh wave go through LA is… kind of cool, even if it’s moving ...

By the bulging right eye of Christian Grey! 10

By the bulging right eye of Christian Grey!
The story so far: Sixteen sadistic jerk-asses banded together and raised $843.39, thus forcing me to see 50 Shades of Grey. I went on Saturday. I had two beers and three hurricanes in a little over two hours. I am not ashamed to admit that I got really fucked up in a way that had ...

I see how it is. 2

Well, it happened. With just over five days to spare, you motherfuckers did it. I’m going to have to watch 50 Shades of Shitty Writing, and then tell you all about it. 12 people from three different countries, united in their hatred of both me and domestic abuse, have donated a combined $753.39 to anti-domestic violence ...

Fifty Shades of This Is How It Is 32

I just had a seventh person ask me if I’m going to see Fifty Shades of Grey  and rant about it like I did with the quasi-porn of a different sort, Transformers 4. The short answer is: Fuck you. The long answer is: No really. Fuck you. And you. And especially you. I’d rather watch a 48 hour loop ...

[Movie] Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: could have been worse 4

[Movie] Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: could have been worse
Well, you did it, so I did it, so here we are. Charity gets $300 and you get to make me suffer for a little over an hour and a half. There was unfortunately no drinking accomplished during this movie, but that was because I had two tablets of vicodin on board to help defeat ...