The post game commentary, generally non-spoilery:
You know what I love about this episode? They came up with some bullshit retcon to explain why everyone in Avengers during the Battle of New York was running around and talking to thin air. Nicely done, Whedon. Nicely done.
Agent May (Ming-na) is my new senpai. That is perhaps all you need to know.
But really, this first episode was everything I could have wanted. It was playful, it was full of nerdery and comic book references, there were badass fights. It followed the tone of the Marvel movies well. So if you like those movies, there you go. I also felt, weirdly, like it had a somewhat more PG Torchwood vibe to it. This is not a bad thing, trust me. I liked Torchwood a lot. I cannot WAIT until next week.
And… the Agent Coulson thing. (Oh come on, that isn’t really a spoiler. They’ve been waving that one in our faces since the first advertisements.) I still feel conflicted about it. Agent Coulson was amazing in the episode, and it’s clear that he’s going to be the heart of the team… just like he was in Avengers. If he weren’t there, they’d need someone just like him. But there is part of me that just always resents the “no one ever dies in comic books” thing. Now there’s a bare hint that there’s more to what happened than just Nick Fury being a lying dickbag, so we’ll see. I’m curious where they’re going with this and…
Ugh, I just love Coulson. I can’t help it. Damn you Clark Gregg. DAMN YOU. I can deal with the story fuckery so we can have Agent Coulson, ultimately, even if I’m mad about getting my emotions jerked around in Avengers. I know, I’m the first person ever to complain that Joss Whedon didn’t actually kill a character.
Anyway, liveblog below the fold!
1900: OH MY GOD IT’S STARTING MY BODY IS READY.
1901: Action figures. Action figures! *heavy breathing*
1901: And we start with an explosion. Good start. And a superhero climbing a brick wall with super strength! COOL!
1902: I just vibrated out of my seat with excitement you have no idea. This is amazing.
1902: Oh dude did he just break that woman’s neck? Oh wait, it’s good. NO WAIT IT’S A BLACK MAN IN A HOODIE–
1903: SHIELD already has all the super nifty spy stuff gadgets. Except for the one that detects women in their underwear, apparently.
1905: Any fist fight where someone gets punched through a cutlery drawer is fine by me.
1905: AND THEN HE FLIES AWAY FROM A ROPE ON A HELICOPTER HOLY SHIT I LOVE THIS SHOW
1905: AAAAAA MARIA HILL *Kermit flailing*
1907: “I don’t think Thor is technically a god.” “You obviously haven’t been near his arms.” *wheezes*
1907: AGENT COULSON *loses fucking mind* YOU AND YOUR FUCKING DARK CORNER OH MY GOD I CANNOT HANDLE THIS
1907: Maybe my body wasn’t ready.
1908: Yep, Nick Fury is a giant dickbag.
1908: Loki is apparently the Asgardian Mussolini. Nah, I don’t see it. He’s got too much hair. And sass.
1909: HAHAHA SHE DREW A LITTLE POOP UNDER HIS PEOPLE SKILLS GRADE OMG I CANNOT HANDLE YOU PHIL COULSON STOP (Hahaha and the best espionage skills since Romanoff)
1910: It’s a porcupine, not a poop. That’s quite the difference.
1910: …okay what is this we’re foreshadowing WHAT CAN COULSON NOT EVER KNOW you’d better fucking tell us before this show gets canceled because Joss Whedon.
1915: “Pretend that we’re talking.” “…we are.”
1916: Awesome black guy in a hoodie is being warned about SHIELD. (His name is Mike.)
1917: She lives in a can. This woman is so crazy she should be wearing a tinfoil hat.
1918: AAAAAA MING-NA. Oh come on Phil does she look like a bus driver to you? Okay maybe.
1920: Ah, there’s the nerd squad with some percussive maintenance.
1920: HAHAHA JOURNEY INTO MYSTERY CLEVER.
1920: And there’s Lola. Oh, that explains the angle in that shot; he just parked her on the ramp of a cargo plane.
1921: Phil Coulson. He’s terribly mysterious.
1921: Could Ming-na look any more badass? Seriously? CAN I BE YOU WHEN I GROW UP?
1922: Wait, so the Rising Tide is a crazy girl in a van?
1922: HAHAHAHA AND THERE IS COULSON. Just outside the door of the crazyvan. As you do. This man is glorious.
1922: WAIT IT’S A TDW TRAILER YOU GIVE ME EVERYTHING I LOVE “I saw you with the Avengers.” “Then I fought to protect Earth.” “That’s your excuse?” “Yes?” “…okay, it’s a good excuse.” OH MY GOD THOR AND JANE I JUST CAN’T WITH YOU TWO.
1927: “There are two ways we can do this.” “Is one of them the easy way?” “No.” AAAAAAA
1927: A big car with SHIELD written on it? Not very subtle, darlings.
1929: Ah, project centipede. So Mike doesn’t really have super powers? Sad.
1930: OH YOU DID NOT JUST SAY SWEATY COSPLAY GIRLS YOU LITTLE SHIT
1931: Hahaha oh my god Sky is an Iron Man groupie.
1932: Ah, a sinister phial of fluid. WHICH HE INJECTS INTO DICKY GUY. I love you Coulson. So much. And then he just leaves Agent Ward in there.
1933: “…gramsy?” OH HONEY okay that’s hilarious.
1934: Oh dear. Mike is starting to lose his shit. Oh dear. That’s got to be due to the centipede thing. I hope.
1941: Aw, Mike went to visit the lady in the hospital. Wait, apparently she’s the person who did this to him? Well, this just got twisty.
1942: Oh dear, Mike is really losing it. SO HEY DOCTOR LADY, DON’T YOU THINK THAT MIGHT BE SOMETHING.
1942: “This is a disaster.” “No, this is an origin story.” Oh dear oh dear oh dear.
1944: OOOH SUPER SOLDIER SERUM. And gamma radiation. Fun. Someone put hero making mojo in a blender apparently.
1945: Oh, this man has really lost his mind. And he has his kid with him.
1945: EXTREMIS? OH SHI–
1950: Go Coulson. “Don’t ever tell me there’s no way!” Awesomesauce. They have to find a way for Mike to not die, that would be so sad.
1951: Agent May is kind of pissed that she got knocked over. I think Coulson is in trouble.
1951: “Don’t want an F… F equals a massacre…”
1952: Note, they did not take Lola.
1952: “You’re risking thousands of lives over nobody.” “Nobody’s nobody, Ward.”
1953: …something seemed weird about Coulson just there. When he dodged (?) that car door. Maybe it’s just me.
1953: HAHAHA OKAY I FINALLY LIKE SKYE. Mike tries to drag her through a train station so she kicks a guy in the nuts to start a fight. (That’s some Captain Ramos shit right there.)
1954: Oh lord they’re doing the talking to no headsets thing. But they explained that, right? AVENGERS RETCON BABY
1955: HOLY SHIT AGENT MAY DAMN GIRL (finally, someone stops the stupid cop.)
1955: “I know how this plays out.” “I don’t.” Agent Coulson, you have a way with people. We have missed you. Oh man, how can you look at this guy and not feel his soul. “You’re right, Mike. It matters who you are.” Coulson’s mutant power is being reasonable yet soulful.
1958: Oh good. A curebullet.
1959: Ah, so they’re trying to get Skye on the team. Hahaha the strangest show on earth. Nice, Coulson.
2000: REALLY? A FLYING CAR? REALLY?????
2001: OH MY GOD I WANT THE REST OF IT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW *FLAILS FOREVER*