All right. You bastards tried to take me down four months ago, and I came up swinging. But I sense a new challenger on the horizon. Something far stronger than the combined might of iffy geology and Kiefer Sutherland in a toga twirling his non-existent mustache. Something that involves a lot of T&A and even more CGI. Something that may just redistribute my posterior through the power of sheer, unapologetic badness1. That’s right, I’m talking about this:
By the glistening biceps of Mark Wahlberg! What has humanity wrought?
So this is the deal, guys. I’m going to make you work for it this time. Considering the neuron-bending things that Transformers 3 did to me (literally, I watched it and now cannot remember what happened,
like the movie slipped me roofies or something and we are just not going to contemplate that further) I’m not going down without a fight. It’s the fourth movie in this series, so I think $400 sounds like a fair goal. You have 22 days to make it happen.
And make no mistake. If you don’t donate sufficient money to charity, I will not be seeing this one anyway. Not even when it’s on Netflix. (Though I’ll admit right now that since Steve Jablonsky wrote the score for this one too, I’ll be buying that.) The only way you’re going to be able to treat your ears to my shrieks of indignant outrage is if you donate, donate, donate!
Same rules apply as always: donate to one of the charities listed below, tell me via some sort of social media that you did so (we operate on the honor system here), and I will tally up the moneys on this here blog page, right before your eyes. What’s on offer if you raise:
- $400: I will see the stupid movie within a week of it coming out and write you a rant similar to what I did for Pompeii. (I’ll be at SoonerCon, so I can’t guarantee opening weekend.)
- $500: I will go to the midnight showing of this cinematic CGI turd on June 27 and be a gibbering, mind-melted zombie at the office on Friday as a lesson to all my coworkers that this is what happens when you watch a Michael Bay film, and you should really make better life choices.
- $700: And I will go see it on opening night, IN 3D. I fucking hate 3D.
Sound good? Charities for this round of suffering:
- Planned Parenthood
- RAWA (Revolutionary Association of Women of Afghanistan)
- TESSA (confidential support for victims of DVSA in Colorado Springs)
- MaxFund (Denver’s no-kill animal shelter)
- Sea Shepherd Australia (or your own country’s chapter of Sea Shepherd)
AND WE’RE OFF. CURRENT TOTAL: $400/500
DAMN YOU SADISTIC BASTARDS: [No really, thank you!!!]
- Keeley: $50
- Anonymous: $300 (OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!)
- @bogo_lode: $50
1 – Yeah, that’s right. I just made a really bad statistics joke. WHATCHA GONNA DO ABOUT IT?