So this is kind of a giant excuse and an explanation. You see my first pee break in this movie, which is approximately 17 hours long and composed of jackahammers and CGI, I had to pee. And realized there was still an hour and fifteen fucking minutes fucking left in the fucking movie. Came back to my seat. Put in another order because I was not nearly drunk enough for this shit. Order card said:
refill iced tea
another Rocket milk shake and mexican chocolate
because f____ man how the f_____ is this movie another hour long I need more alcohol pray for me
Yes I literally wrote that (including the line instead of the full f-bomb) on my order card. The waitress grabbed it, looked it over, and whispered, “Yeah this movie is really long, isn’t it?”
So I’m kind of too drunk right now after consuming two beers and two very alcoholic (I think it was extra alcoholic because they took pity on me) shakes in a bit over two hours. Too drunk to write something to coherently express how this movie made me feel. It’s really just one giant rage pee. So I will write you your thing tomorrow, you bastards. I earned this one for charity, that’s for sure. And while I’m trying to hammer my anger into actual words rather than a primal, Nicolas-Cage-esque scream, I will scan in the ten and a half pages of hand-written notes I took which become increasingly difficult to read the drunker I get, but you’ll get the idea.
But I will leave you with a few subtitle ideas that would have been much more appropriate than Age of Extinction.
- Longing for the Radically Feminist Days of Megan Fox
- This Is What an Aneurysm Feels Like
- An Overly Long and Creepy Virginity Metaphor
- Magnets: How the Fuck do They Work?
- A Bud Light Movie in Every Sense
- Who the Fuck Is Grimlock?
- Not Even Texas Deserves This
- Fuck This Movie