Vurping my way through the 50 Shades of Grey trailer 2

0014: Creepy piano music starts. We see frumpy lady in the elevator, startling as the elevator goes ding. Wanna bet that by the end of the trailer she will look supersexyhotinatotallyconventionalway because creepy dude semen has magical wardrobe-improving powers?

0014: “At least everyone’s white. I know that sounds kind of weird, but no one should have to put up with this abuse but white people.” <– my Latina housemate, y’all.

0018: Everything in Mr. Grey’s office is white. Just like the cast.

0020: Sleek blond personal assistant lady in grey power suit reminds me of Portia in Better of Ted a bit, except that was funny and not fucking creepy.

0024: IMPOSING DOORS.

0036: I think this is supposed to be sexy? Apparently he’s intimidating? I guess that’s an intimidating giant hand, rendered in HD on my TV screen.

0036: By the way? Pepper Potts did a much better CEO office.

0045: Worst interviewer ever.

0047: Oh teehee Mr. Creepy Dude! I’m the empty vessel frumpy female character who is here just for you to mold into a thing you like! Teehee!

0051: “Look at me.” “I am.” Presumably not for the first time, I vomit slightly into my mouth.

0051: Also, the big reveal on what Mr. Creepy Dude looks like? He looks like a random creepy dude you might meet in college. You know. The kind you wouldn’t leave you drink unattended around. Presumably he is what is known as “hot” by… someone. I’m guessing.

0051: Also, I disapprove of his tie. With a charcoal gray suit, if he wants to make some kind of dominance statement he really should have gone for the pop of color.

0104: “I exercise control in all things, Miss Steel.” LOL (then wouldn’t you think he’d probably need to loosen the fuck up in the bedroom a bit?)

0111: This has got to be the least sexy supposed-to-be-read-as-dominant-kissing-in-an-elevator scene I have ever witnessed.

0113: OH LOOK HE GRABBED HER WRIST AND PULLED HER ARM UP OVER HER HEAD. SO DOMINANT. MUCH SEXY. VERY STILTED. WOW.

0113: BEYONCE, WHY

0114: Please note that the word “Phenomenon” quite literally only means “a thing that happened.” So yeah. This is sure a thing that happened. Sure is happening. Right now.

0115: Oh god send me help please. Or whiskey. Or pepto.

0118: He has a helicopter. Whee?

0119: As predicted, her clothing is becoming progressively more fashionable and her hair less messy.

0123: “I had a rough start on life. You should steer clear of me.” SOMEONE TURN ON THE MANPAIN SIGNAL.

0124: He’s jogging! In a grey hoodie! SUCH MANPAIN. YOU MUST RESCUE HIM, WOMAN WITH NO PERSONALITY! FIX HIM!

0127: GRRRRR HE IS TERRITORIAL ISN’T HE SO SEXYBARRRRRRF

0137: So like, the thing where he’s touching her leg under the table at dinner. This would be cute or even sexy but this entire trailer is shot like at any instant the officers from Law and Order: SVU are going to come busting through the door.

0139: Oh boy. Lip biting.

0144: He also owns a glider apparently. Double whee? HE IS A RICH, EXCEPTIONALLY CREEPY WHITE GUY. IN CASE YOU HAD NOT NOTICED. SO RICH. RICH AND FULL OF MANPAIN.

0153: “Enlighten me, then.” Could this line have been delivered with less emotion?

0202: The red room. Montage of BDSM stuff one would find doing a google search. Wants to be sexy. Fails.

0222: Bonus for the soft sighs played in the background, which would do nicely if this was a movie about serial killers, I think. Third acidic vurp.

I have no idea who the target audience was for this trailer, but I’m not it. There was nothing romantic or remotely sexy about it. Rather, it read like a tragic cautionary tale about a woman who is stalked, emotionally manipulated, and used by a rich guy who thinks he has it rough.

So fairly accurate to the source material, from what I can tell.

This nauseating creepfest might well destroy my liver next Valentine’s day if my readers hate me enough. Hahaha well considering how I generally feel about that holiday and the way abusive behavior is often depicted as romantic, the release date does seem appropriate, doesn’t it?

(PS: This one isn’t coming up for six months. Wanna make me suffer through something terrible much sooner?)

2 thoughts on “Vurping my way through the 50 Shades of Grey trailer

  1. Reply Cerulean Spork Jul 24,2014 21:46

    oh urf yarf

    i am sooo freakin glad that charlie hunnam bowed out of this

    altho he wld definitely have done a better job as a menacing charmer than this bland dude WHO CANNOT ARTICULATE HIS LINES have seen wayyy better acting from high schl drama productions

    other fun fact — this movie is bein put out by the same company that produced the MAJORLY whitewashed EXCEPT FOR THE HEAD BAD GUY bc lol oc , gorily hard-R , visually bland , militaristic RAH RAH AMERICA FYAH version of a beloved british YA classic abt cross-cultural understanding & the end of empire ALSO HOW BEAUTIFUL NATURE & THE BRITISH LANDSCAPE & ANCIENT ART IN VIVID PROSE a few years ago

    yeah idk what they thought they were doin either WHO THEIR TARGET AUDIENCE WAS not fans of the book thats for sure

    & the movie was so poorly acted & filmed it wasnt gonna get the HBO ROME crowd either

    it was a drastic flop

    -6 MILLION BY RAW BOX OFFICE NUMBERS LEVEL FLOP DID NOT BREAK EVEN

    of course

    but this time they have lucked onto a TWILIGHT fanfic-w-numbers-filed-off w as big a following as TWILIGHT

    so they are probably gonna make a bundle on it no matter how bad it is

  2. Reply Keeley Pollock Jul 24,2014 22:52

    Normally I’m in favor of inflicting horrible movies on you in the name of charity, but in this case, I wouldn’t do it. I’ve heard so much horrible about the books alone, I can’t imagine how excruciating the movie has to be and I just can’t do that to you. I won’t even watch the preview for it unless forced to in the movie theater and can’t escape, I have that much hate for this movie.

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