Fifty Shades of This Is How It Is 32

I just had a seventh person ask me if I’m going to see Fifty Shades of Grey  and rant about it like I did with the quasi-porn of a different sort, Transformers 4.

The short answer is: Fuck you.

The long answer is: No really. Fuck you. And you. And especially you. I’d rather watch a 48 hour loop of Age of Extinction with my eyes pinned open like I’m the fucking vic on some episode of Criminal Minds without the benefit of a single milliliter of alcohol in my system. This goddamn movie is going to make Michael Bay look like he’s fucking Gloria Steinem in comparison. Okay?

So this is how it is. $400 to charity got me to watch a movie so fucking awful that I was drunk before it was halfway through it and writing pitiful notes to my waitress. You want me to watch a gross quasi-porn movie with unsafe “bondage” and an abusive relationship that I’m supposed to believe is somehow romantic that’s going to have me chewing on my own seat because it makes me so goddamn angry? A movie that will probably make me bust an aneurysm in self defense so I can leave via ambulance before the opening credits finish? Pony up the fucking dough. That’s what it’s going to take. Put your money where your inarguable sadism is.

Okay, okay, I will be seeing Fifty Shades of Fuck My Life Grey on February 21 or 22 thanks to the sadistic monsters listed below. But this is no excuse to stop giving. Here are some bonus reasons why you should keep donating to anti-domestic violence charities:

  • If you fucking assholes give $1,000 to charity, I will give you my handwritten notes. Because there will be handwritten notes. You know. Like these.
  • And IF you sadistic motherfuckers manage to make it to $1,250, I will attend this shit show of incipient alcoholism wearing a three piece suit and a tie. My suit, for the record, is gray.
  • BONUS GOAL: IF you evil bastards get to $2000 donated to anti-domestic violence charities, local author Michael Ashleigh Finn will come with me to the movie and be my designated driver. And then write a post for you all about the horrors of watching the movie sober

So that’s what it takes. Start giving. It’s honor system, so communicate with me via social media, email, or dropping a comment here and I will add you to the total. (If you would prefer to remain anonymous, just say the word.)

Charities I will accept for this round of suffering:

Notice a pattern here yet? I don’t know, assholes, there is just something about this fucking movie that really makes me want to see money get given to charities that help the victims of domestic violence. I wonder why that could be. But you know what? Any charity that serves victims of domestic violence is okay. Please provide links if you have a favorite and I will add it to the list.

Though my standard go-to charities are also okay:

Currently: $843.39/$1000

I HATE EVERYTHING. FINE. I’M GOING. BUT YOU DON’T GET MY NOTES.

These people hate me and think my pain is funny and also hate domestic abuse so I guess they’re okay:

  1. Beth Wodzinski ($50)
  2. Rosemary Warner (£10 aka $15.24)
  3. Ingvar (£100 aka $152)
  4. Nick Mamatas ($25)
  5. Thomas Pluck ($20)
  6. Frenchie ($25)
  7. Mike ($100)
  8. Andrew Barton  ($200 CDN aka $160.73)
  9. Amy ($50)
  10. Corina ($25)
  11. Sin ($30)
  12. Rai ($125 CDN aka $100.42)
  13. John DeLaughter ($20)
  14. Mishalak ($30)
  15. Sean ($20)
  16. Sarah McGovern ($20)

32 thoughts on “Fifty Shades of This Is How It Is

  1. Reply Kari Carlson Feb 4,2015 17:49

    Are we allowed to contribute to an anti-you-having-to-go campaign? Because I don’t want even your one ticket go to toward these fucktards as “proof” that people love this shit.

    • Reply Rachael Feb 5,2015 12:33

      I mentioned the idea a couple places, got the feedback that it wouldn’t feel fair to Team Go, so I scrapped it.

  2. Reply Rosemary Warner Feb 5,2015 05:49

    £10 (that’s $15.24 according to xe.com) donated to Refuge. I LAUGH AT YOUR PAIN.

  3. Reply Ingvar M Feb 5,2015 09:27

    Ooops, I seem to have donated $152 (£100) to RAINN (also noted on DW).

  4. Reply emily Feb 5,2015 16:36

    how about torrenting the film once it comes out? i’m sure they’ll be plenty out there. that way, you can still subject yourself to abuse (masochist), but you won’t have to give the bastards any money.

    • Reply Rachael Feb 6,2015 22:59

      I’m mostly figuring that proportionally, a single ticket sale really isn’t going to matter that much. And is it weird that part of me is like oh god, I do not want that shit in my house? As if a movie can leave some kind of grimy residue on one’s television.

  5. Reply A reader Feb 6,2015 22:40

    Do you really think that crude makes you sound cool? It pretty much makes you sound uneducated and classless. Nothing personal. Think it over.

    • Reply Rachael Feb 6,2015 22:47

      Do you really think that being judgmental about they way I talk on my own website makes me want to listen to you? It pretty much makes you sound passive-aggressive and nitpicky. Nothing personal. Think it over.

      I don't care

      Sashay away

    • Reply lafemmeluna Feb 7,2015 11:08

      In the same vein, are you aware that judging someone’s educational background, purely on their use of language, is the mark of ignorance? Also, “class” is something made up by society to determine who deserves respect and who does not. Despite the fact that, as humans, we all deserve respect. But going by your comment, I’m going to say that might be a difficult concept for you to grasp. Ach, forget I said anything.

      Very personal.
      Think it over.

  6. Reply lafemmeluna Feb 10,2015 11:50

    Just donated $25 to RAINN, bb. XD

  7. Reply Mike Feb 13,2015 05:18

    $100 for Battered Women’s Justice Project. :-)

  8. Reply Andrew Barton (@ActsofAndrewB) Feb 13,2015 09:47

    $200 (CDN) to AKG, that one I sent you the DM about. I have a photo of the check if you require proof. HAR HAR HAR

  9. Reply Amy Feb 13,2015 13:50

    Here’s another one to add to your list. Rosie’s Place in Boston. Awesome shelter, been donating for years. I’ll leave another comment when I have time to make a donation today or tomorrow.

    http://www.rosiesplace.org/

  10. Reply Amy Feb 13,2015 14:03

    And done. $50 to Rosie’s Place

  11. Reply Sin Feb 13,2015 17:50

    $30.00 to TESSA!

    SUFFER!

  12. Reply Rai Feb 13,2015 21:05

    $125 can (or $100 US) to http://www.bwss.org/ a Vancouver, BC organization that operates a number of services for battered women.

    Happy Valentines <3

  13. Reply Keeley Feb 13,2015 21:05

    I may have mentioned what you’re doing on Felicia Day’s Facebook… she’s going for a book club assignment and I thought if she had to go, she could do the same thing you are, ask people to donate to charity.

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  15. Reply Sean Feb 19,2015 09:59

    $20 to RAINN.

    enjoy! :)

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