Arbitrary Grades for Chocolate Biscuits

From the Cadbury Chocolate Biscuit Selection:

You are a wheel of LIES

Simply Shortcake: It’s a little bar of shortbread covered in milk chocolate, so it basically tastes of nothing but the milk chocolate. Look, I’m not going to tell you how to live your life, but I think shortbread is a biscuit that’s just not trying hard enough to be anything and I prefer my carbohydrates-held-together-with-fat to have some fucking conviction. It’s the moderate of biscuits, which is why you can put anything on it, I suppose. And yes, I’m sure your nan’s shortbread is so fucking amazing it’ll give me a BJ and do my laundry while it’s partying in my mouth, but we’re talking about something that was made in a factory, here. As a vehicle for getting chocolate into your mouth, it could be worse. It could also be better. D

Vanilla Crisp: A rectangular vanilla biscuit that’s fighting its hardest to assert itself over the milk chocolate, and it kind of succeeds. I’m using “vanilla” here in the loosest sense, because it’s mostly just sweet and what androids dream of vanilla tasting like, having only experienced it by mass spectrometer. But at least it’s a biscuit that’s willing to commit to having an actual flavor, so that earns it a grade bump. C

White Shortcake: White chocolate is the insipid cum of the devil’s accountant, Teddy, who doesn’t really like the current state of world affairs, but he doesn’t see how there’s anything that he can do about it, so he’ll just keep his head down and hope to not be noticed. In other words, I’m not putting that in my mouth because I don’t want to know what no real flavor plus no real flavor equals. It’s probably the saddest dividing by zero experience your mouth could have. F-

Crunchy Ring: It’s a biscuit in the shape of a ring. I’m not sure what flavor it is because everything tastes of chocolate. It also has the same texture as every other biscuit from the tin, so I’m feeling a little lied to, here. Just be proud of what you are, biscuit. Call yourself Vaguely Flavored Ring-shaped Biscuit and have done with it. This is a safe place. C-

Milk Triangle: I’m still not sure if the “milk” here refers to the fact that it’s coated in milk chocolate, or there might be something “milk”-flavored going on here. Kind of like that “milk”-flavored Japanese candy that’s an uncomfortable mix between vanilla and something not brave enough to be actually malty. Look, all I’m saying is that I have no idea what this actually tastes of under it’s jaunty jacket of milk chocolate, and it disturbs me. But on the other hand, it’s formed into an approximately equilateral triangle, and I’m a sucker for geometric shapes. B-

Dark Chocolate Surprise: I was expecting elves, or an explosion of confetti, or maybe the crunchy bits that had wandered off the mis-named “Crunchy Ring” so they could crackle in my mouth like pop rocks. It’s a biscuit coated in dark chocolate that completely prevents you from discovering if the biscuit tastes of anything. After all of the other biscuits in the tin, that’s not surprising either. Maybe the real surprise is the friends we made along the way. Or the real surprise that there is no surprise, and there’s actually a cunningly hidden zen koan waiting to be pondered in this tin. But I like dark chocolate okay. B

Ginger CrunchMaybe I’m just incapable of detecting crunch with my horrible American teeth. British crunchy bits are too subtle and worldly for my callow tastes. Maybe I’m the problem and I’ve always been the problem. Fuck you, biscuits, I’m not going to be judged by something that came in a cheery purple tin that isn’t even big enough to conceal the average grandmother’s sewing kit. Anyway, the more important part is that there is ginger, and it’s not giving me a bloody nose and making me cry happy tears of pain, but it’s present and unwilling to be overpowered by the chocolate coating. It’s the only biscuit that comes in its own shiny wrapping, marking it as the Emperor of This Particular Tin, special and infinitely more edible than anything else without being dunked in tea in an attempt to pretend that everything is all right and normal. And I just fucking love ginger biscuits. A

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