Vurping my way through the 50 Shades of Grey trailer 2

0014: Creepy piano music starts. We see frumpy lady in the elevator, startling as the elevator goes ding. Wanna bet that by the end of the trailer she will look supersexyhotinatotallyconventionalway because creepy dude semen has magical wardrobe-improving powers? 0014: “At least everyone’s white. I know that sounds kind of weird, but no one should have ...

Want to make me watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? 4

You know, the new one, produced by my favorite ever, Michael Bay. Because there is still a part of my childhood that has not been violated. In which all of the turtles look like Shrek. I wasn’t actually even thinking about this one, just because of scheduling fuckery. Bay’s TMNT comes out on August 8. I ...

Two storifies, two podcasts for Wednesday 3

Two storifies, two podcasts for Wednesday
I know, there has not been bloggening in forever. July has been and will continue to be totally crazypants as far as scheduling goes. But here, I have some stuff for you! Storifies: During my one long break at DetCon1, I went to the Detroit Institute of the Arts. I only had a bit over three ...

Disappointment fajitas before cannibalism 3

I find this disturbing on a multitude of levels. I will lay this out here first: I have not read the fic in question, any of the writer’s other fics, and I am not part of either of those fandoms; don’t care about Persona, and while I listen to WTNV, I don’t participate in the fandom ...

Schrodingersexuality 1

So apparently the new Constantine isn’t going to be bisexual or a total fiend for cigarettes, but hey at least they managed to make him blond this time? That’s a brave creative choice there, guys. There is so much about this article that just gets on my pecs that I already ranted about it on ...

[Movie] Snowpiercer 13

There is a basic level of surreality you have to accept when you approach this movie, similar to when you watch a Terry Gilliam or Jean-Pierre Jeunet film. (I can’t believe it’s coincidence that one of the characters is named Gilliam.) There are things that happen that don’t necessarily make sense outside of a sort of ...

A thing so precious I just have to share it. 9

A thing so precious I just have to share it.
THIS IS SO HILARIOUSLY PRECIOUS THAT I CANNOT HELP BUT SHARE IT. Like a video of a kitten angrily batting at an enormous piece of exercise equipment, but with 300% more fedora. (By the way? Andrew’s fault. Because he finds hilarious and terrible things and tells me. Left to my own devices, I’d just kind of… pick ...

[Movie] Transformers 4: Fuck This Movie 9

I’ve been trying all day to come up with a funny way to write about how transcendently angry this movie made me. Something hopefully a bit more highbrow than the entire concept of “rage pee.” And then I realized I can’t do it, and it was going to stop me from meeting my obligation to you lovely ...

Transformers 4: I am drunk and I must rage pee 5

So this is kind of a giant excuse and an explanation. You see my first pee break in this movie, which is approximately 17 hours long and composed of jackahammers and CGI, I had to pee. And realized there was still an hour and fifteen fucking minutes fucking left in the fucking movie. Came back to ...

Incredibly disappointed, entirely unsurprised. BTW, our healthcare system sucks. 3

The ruling for the Hobby Lobby case has come rolling downhill from SCOTUS, like a giant turd. (PDF here, dissents start on page 60, thank you Elise.) A couple of months ago and after a Facebook kerfuffle, I had a nice in-comment chat with a friend of mine who is a lawyer. And he explained ...