The Following: murderers in love are never awkward.

Well, I’ve let this show build up in my Hulu queue, and I seem to have run out of Bones, Castle, Supernatural, Law and Order: SVU, and even Project Runway reruns. Guess it’s time to clear it out. (I will note, however, I’m still watching this before Grimm. So, Grimm, you should think long and hard about what you’ve been doing with your life.)

Not a liveblog as such. Just the horrible things I think at this show as I’m watching it. Why am I still watching it?

Episode 5: 

And we start episode 5 right off with the serial killer threesome in bed. Well, I guess they know what I’m in it for. (Though I have to say, as weird as this sounds, I appreciate it being a two guys and a girl threesome. That makes it very clearly not the typical male fantasy bait.) It’s such a bizarre mix, to have Paul talking killing technique with Jacob one moment, and then trying to calm him down out of a freakout about how he’s not gay in the next. (And I have to say, “Last night is exactly what it needed to be, why do you have to worry about labels?” is a pretty good line from the psychotic murderer guy.)

The greatest trick of this show is making the killers the most human and interesting characters.

Though man, the psychotic babysitter crew are the worst imaginable at keeping an eye on where the kid is at.

I find it so, so very funny that Jacob can’t bring himself to kill the woman in the basement, and that he’s upset about it.

But hey, time to go murder the neighbors!

Another weird thing – despite the fact we’ve seen Emma kill a bunch of people, I still worried about her a little when someone was in the house. But it’s okay. More serial killer brethren to evacuate her and the kidnapped kid. But it’ll break up the threesome and that’s very sad.

Even worse – I want them to escape the law. Because hey, they’re the only characters I even like.

I do not get why the lawyer would work for Carroll after he’s had two of her fingers cut off. I mean, I would get it if it was someone she loved under threat, but if it was her, why the hell wouldn’t she go to the cops? And I assume people have noticed and asked her how this happened. It’s gross and disturbing but makes no sense at all.

Episode 6:

Hardy and Paul arguing about who is going to kill who while Jacob wets his pants in apparent fear over the thought of having to kill someone is sort of a beautiful moment. And suddenly I’m reminded of why I loved Agent Angsty McAlcoholic, because this is the most life Kevin Bacon’s gotten to show in ages. It’s beautiful.

Oh Hardy, you gravelly badass. You’re so much more awesome when you have nothing left to lose.

And in case you forgot, Emma wears the pants of this evil little family.

Oh whoops, Hardy forgot about poor Megan. Like everyone else in this series, and the audience. Poor Megan.

Wow really, talk to Emma about her mom? About the lady she stabbed because she insulted Emma’s haircut? Really?

Apparently the FBI agent lady was in a cult growing up. These flashbacks would have more impact if I actually gave a crap about her, I’m sure.

GOD PAUL FIRST YOU WANT JACOB TO KILL MEGAN THEN YOU WON’T LET HIM STRANGLE HER MAKE UP YOUR MIND.

Oh look. Another surprise Follower. Blah blah blah. Poor Paul though. Guess stabbing isn’t nearly so much fun when you’re on the receiving end.

Aaaaaand even more Followers in the FBI. Whee. Look, I know it’s a plot device that’s supposed to engender paranoia because now they never know who they can trust, but for goodness sake apparently 90% of the population is in this cult.

Aw, poor Jacob and Paul. Emma just ditched them. Though she seems upset she did it. I am so incredibly sad my favorite threesome of evil has broken up. I hope it’s only temporary.

Episode 7:

Well, guess I’m glad to know the cult isn’t all unified. I want Emma to kick the ugly guy’s butt, though. I admit it. I’m an Emma fangirl. She’s my favorite mass-murdering psychopath and god I feel gross for having typed that sentence.

Hardy, that’s not an edit. I’m pretty sure that’s a piece of paper. But it does show evidence of an edit. And a bad editor.

Carroll escaped. No one is surprised. Seriously, the guy already had to of the lawyer’s fingers cut off. How did she not think he was going to kill her?

Oh look. More random killers. Though I have to say, the woman with the razor has some class. Louise.

Not your smartest move, Hardy. It’s always sad when someone gets threatened with their own gun. Even more sad when said gun has been taken from them after having their arm slammed repeatedly in a door.

Why is every psychotic villain an emotionally needy theater major under it all? Such monologing.

Ah, I think we’re going for the obvious point where Hardy’s pursuit of a sadistic monster is turning him into something monstrous perhaps? Or at least I hope so. Because gosh.

I will say this for the episode. This is a pretty awesome song:

For the, you know, now standard musical ending number. (I remember back in the day when ER started doing this kind of thing and I thought it was relentlessly cheesy. Some shows do it well, like Supernatural – probably because there’s already so much vocal music woven into the show – but it just feels weird to me in this one.)

Episode 8: 

Gosh Carroll I don’t know why your kid would be scared of you at all. Maybe it’s the fact that you’re intensely creepy? “I have the ability to be a rather cool and fun guy?” Seriously? You’re an evil mastermind and this is the best you can come up with?

I believe what you mean is that, “He flew away in a helicopter and then dropped leaflets over a city block that all said TROLOLOLOL BITCHEZ NEVERMORE.

Oh. The hardass new guy FBI agent plot. Whee.

Aw. Emma is worried about Paul and Jacob. But apparently not worried enough that it’ll stop her from hitting on the boss. Who says no because he loves his wife. (…well okay then.)

I did not expect the mysterious Roderick to be a sheriff with a southern accent. Aw. Murderers are such a happy family of huggy bears.

I am amused that one of the evil cult members if a former Blackwater operative. (Louise, the cool lady with the razorblade.)

Well, I’m glad at least Mike isn’t a secret serial killer. Kind of weird torture method they got going there. Woo fist fight!

Way to come in with guns blazing, Hardy. Maybe you should have done that before poor little Mike got stabbed. Aw, sad.  Man, these guys shoot like stormtroopers and the rounds spark like blaster rounds. It’s kind of ridiculous.

Tender string music, golden, flickering firelight, two men embracing over a plastic sheet, one gasping… what a beautiful murder scene.

And then all the murderers got laid and Hardy sat in a hospital and felt sorry for himself the end.

Episode 9: 

Apparently we’re starting this episode off with a review of how creepy Carroll is.

Aaaand no one tries to stop the woman that just shot someone with a spearfishing gun. I mean, shock and everything, I get, but she just walks calmly out with Louise. What the hell are they putting in the water in this city?

Wow. Jacob’s mom is sure… accepting.

YES MOM HIS SHAMEFUL SECRET HE NEVER KILLED ANYONE. Oh Jacob.

They just keep making up more and more flashbacks. Which feel like they don’t entirely work with the previous sets of flashbacks.

Aw, Paul loves Jacob. And gets to be the first person Jacob kills. Why are all the best, most emotional scenes in this show between the murderers? I feel like I could write a thesis on this. And incredibly creepy, fucked-up thesis.

I CAN’T HEAR THE MURDER THE MUSIC AT THIS PARTY IS TOO LOUD.

Wow, Hardy. “I will shoot you dead.” “I don’t think you have the–” BANG. This man is done fucking around. I bet Louise was wearing a vest though.

So Jacob is back. I’m sure this won’t be awkward at all.

Episode 10: 

Geeze, Jacob smothers one person and he’s already losing it.

Yes. Not awkward at all with Emma. Not. Awkward. At. All.

I am charmed to see they’re playing up how much getting shot in a bullet proof vest hurts.

Being asked by the boss to forgive Emma after he slept with her? So not awkward. Your (no homo) gay lover, murdered by you, showing up as a hallucination to tell you what your subconscious thinks of Emma deserting you both? Also totally not awkward.

So they know the evil killer people are coming but now is a good time for a relationship talk?

Aw, and now the hallucination of Paul is going to watch Jacob get busy with Emma. Also not awkward. Well Jacob, at least in your fantasies you’re an awesome stabby murderer.

Aaaand then some other stuff happened but I kind of didn’t care any more because I took Nyquil. I have lost my murderous threesome and therefore my motivation.