Almost Human, I am THIS close to breaking up with you

So I finally watched episode number 5 (Blood Brothers) because I was doing a…thing…last night and missed it then. You know, Almost Human, I want to like you. But after that turd of an episode I am so close to breaking up with you it’s not even funny. I’d rather spend the time running on the elliptical.

Karl Urban plays Murdery McMurderson John Kennex the worst cop ever, with Michael Ealy as Dorian the sassy black robot who is 1000% done with Kennex’s shit. This sounds like an excellent setup, really, except for the part where every episode reminds us that these cops are apparently going to SAVE US ALL from this terrifying future where everyone wears blue. No other colors JUST BLUE. THERE WILL BE ONLY BLUE.

Considering the rate at which Kennex casually kills people (and robots) without consequence, I don’t want him to be in charge of saving anyone. Look, I don’t have a problem with cops being the hero of a show. I’m a faithful devotee of several incarnations of Law & Order, after all. But you notice what happens in Law & Order when one of the cops shoots someone? SOMETHING HAPPENS. IT’S A BIG DEAL. 

I am trying so very hard to suspend my disbelief because Karl Urban. And Michael Ealy. And Dorian makes everything worth it. But then this episode. This. Fucking. Episode. Thoughts as they occurred to me during this episode:

• Of course there is a joke about the black guy having an enormous wang. Admittedly, the whole scene is amusing and Dorian puts the burn on John as fabulously as always, but REALLY? REALLY?
• “On good days I’m a petite psychic.” HAHAHA because yes it’s totally funny to make women joke about their size! (Also, you DO realize that petite means short,right?) And just the entire psychic thing to begin with his megabarf through and through. YOU HAVE FUCKING ROBOTS IN THE FUTURE WHY ARE WE PLAYING WITH PSYCHIC BULLSHIT.
• Seriously did the creepy serial killer just insult Captain Maldonado’s LOOKS? And she just kind of took it? “You’re a son of a bitch” is the best she could do? For fuck’s flying sake. I AM SO DONE WITH THIS EPISODE.
• Oh, glad to know the only reason the police are going to rescue Valerie is because she is important to Kennex and not because, I don’t know, she’s a fucking police officer.
• So then at the end, Moldanado gets her own back from the serial killer and walks away with her chin held high, and that’s kind of awesome… and then we FUCK IT ALL AWAY with the guy telling her she’s pretty BECAUSE THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS.

I feel like those pretty much sum up everything that has bugged the shit out of me about this show since the get-go, but I was giving it a chance and enjoying the sass. I was already kind of done in the sexbot episode where 99% of the sexbots were women. (Yes, there were some male sexbots kind of around, which I did appreciate, for the three seconds they were on screen.) And now in this one, the two female cops finally get to do things, and basically…are entirely ineffectual. Moldanado gets schooled by the evil serial killer because she isn’t pretty or something. Valerie is out of the station just long enough to end up as the damsel in distress, and it’s made clear that the only reason she’s important is because Kennex has a thing about her! She’s important to him! Glad we got that covered.

COME ON. Seriously, it’s like the women in this show could be replaced with post-it notes that have smiley faces drawn on them. (Or frowny faces for when someone tells them they aren’t pretty and no one wants them.) And maybe I wouldn’t be so critical except you know what comes on right after this show? Sleepy Hollow. Which gave us Abbie Mills, Jenny Mills’s right eyebrow, and Jenny Mills’s left eyebrow. AND DO I EVEN HAVE TO MENTION TROLLANDO JONES

I want to love you, Almost Human. But you are making it so very, very hard.