Fifty Shades of This Is How It Is

I just had a seventh person ask me if I’m going to see Fifty Shades of Grey  and rant about it like I did with the quasi-porn of a different sort, Transformers 4.

The short answer is: Fuck you.

The long answer is: No really. Fuck you. And you. And especially you. I’d rather watch a 48 hour loop of Age of Extinction with my eyes pinned open like I’m the fucking vic on some episode of Criminal Minds without the benefit of a single milliliter of alcohol in my system. This goddamn movie is going to make Michael Bay look like he’s fucking Gloria Steinem in comparison. Okay?

So this is how it is. $400 to charity got me to watch a movie so fucking awful that I was drunk before it was halfway through it and writing pitiful notes to my waitress. You want me to watch a gross quasi-porn movie with unsafe “bondage” and an abusive relationship that I’m supposed to believe is somehow romantic that’s going to have me chewing on my own seat because it makes me so goddamn angry? A movie that will probably make me bust an aneurysm in self defense so I can leave via ambulance before the opening credits finish? Pony up the fucking dough. That’s what it’s going to take. Put your money where your inarguable sadism is.

Okay, okay, I will be seeing Fifty Shades of Fuck My Life Grey on February 21 or 22 thanks to the sadistic monsters listed below. But this is no excuse to stop giving. Here are some bonus reasons why you should keep donating to anti-domestic violence charities:

• If you fucking assholes give $1,000 to charity, I will give you my handwritten notes. Because there will be handwritten notes. You know. Like these.
• And IF you sadistic motherfuckers manage to make it to $1,250, I will attend this shit show of incipient alcoholism wearing a three piece suit and a tie. My suit, for the record, is gray.
• BONUS GOAL: IF you evil bastards get to $2000 donated to anti-domestic violence charities, local author Michael Ashleigh Finn will come with me to the movie and be my designated driver. And then write a post for you all about the horrors of watching the movie sober. 

So that’s what it takes. Start giving. It’s honor system, so communicate with me via social media, email, or dropping a comment here and I will add you to the total. (If you would prefer to remain anonymous, just say the word.)

Charities I will accept for this round of suffering:

• TESSA (confidential support for victims of DVSA in Colorado Springs)
• Refuge
• Houston Area Women’s Center
• RAINN
• Battered Women’s Justice Project
• Incite!
• Mending the Sacred Hoop
• Anishnaabe Kwewag Gamig regional women’s shelter
• Rosie’s Place
• Battered Women’s Support Services
• Colorado Domestic Abuse Fund

Notice a pattern here yet? I don’t know, assholes, there is just something about this fucking movie that really makes me want to see money get given to charities that help the victims of domestic violence. I wonder why that could be. But you know what? Any charity that serves victims of domestic violence is okay. Please provide links if you have a favorite and I will add it to the list.

Though my standard go-to charities are also okay:

• UNICEF UK
• Sea Shepherd Australia (or your own country’s chapter of Sea Shepherd)

Currently: $843.39/$1000

I HATE EVERYTHING. FINE. I’M GOING. BUT YOU DON’T GET MY NOTES.

These people hate me and think my pain is funny and also hate domestic abuse so I guess they’re okay:

1. Beth Wodzinski ($50)
2. Rosemary Warner (£10 aka $15.24)
3. Ingvar (£100 aka $152)
4. Nick Mamatas ($25)
5. Thomas Pluck ($20)
6. Frenchie ($25)
7. Mike ($100)
8. Andrew Barton  ($200 CDN aka $160.73)
9. Amy ($50)
10. Corina ($25)
11. Sin ($30)
12. Rai ($125 CDN aka $100.42)
13. John DeLaughter ($20)
14. Mishalak ($30)
15. Sean ($20)
16. Sarah McGovern ($20)