For the most part, this has been a very uneventful weekend. I’ve been driving, driving, driving, and then driving some more in my slammin’ ride, by which I mean a ten foot U-haul truck that contains approximately twelve boxes and two bicycles. And I’ve been driving through northern Texas, Oklahoma, and Kansas, which are not known to be the most exciting states in the Union.
So to be honest, the most exciting thing that’s happened all trip was a random guy in Kansas flashing his cock at me.
I would have much preferred to be bored.
This is how it happened – the U-haul trucks have a governor in them so you can’t go over 74 miles per hour. The speed limit is 75 in Kansas so I pretty much have been running on the governor the whole way. I passed a guy in a gray pickup truck. Then there was a semi, so I got in the left lane to pass that as well and the guy in the pickup followed me. He was right on my tail, which meant he must have sped up, but whatever.
He stayed on my tail as I got over to the right lane. Which seemed weird, since I expected him to pass me. It happens. Then he went over into the exit lane and sped up even more so he pulled even with the truck’s cab.
At that point I was wondering if maybe there was something wrong with the back of the truck. People will sometimes do that, speed up to let you know there’s a problem, just to be nice. I turned to look out the passenger window at him.
The man looked me in the eye, then arched back to give me a nice view of his exposed penis, which he gave a couple of emphatic rubs before he was gone down the exit. My mother was in the passenger seat and missed the entire thing, because it happened in just a few seconds and she was focused on reading an article in the New Yorker.
I’m not upset about this so much as deeply puzzled and creeped out. I could have gone my entire life happily without seeing a perfect stranger’s wang while going 74 mph on I-135. Or on any highway for that matter. Or in any situation. I know this sort of thing happens, but it’s always seemed the stuff of legend. No one’s ever messed with me like that; I’ve been told it’s because I look like the sort of person who would just as soon tear said appendage off.
So I guess that makes flashing it at me while separated by two windows and a healthy amount of space on a highway the safe prospect. I will say, relative to the penises I’ve seen in my life, it wasn’t at all interesting. I guess presentation is everything.
My mom caught the shocked look on my face right after the guy had sped off down the exit ramp. I explained the situation to her and laughed, because at that point what else can you do? It is incredibly ridiculous, when you think about it. But I also kept asking, who the hell does this? Who the hell even thinks this kind of behavior is in any way acceptable?
What really creeps me out isn’t seeing someone’s dick or possibly being an unwilling participant in some random stranger’s weird sexual fantasy. What creeps me out is the flasher looked like he could easily have been someone’s husband, someone’s dad. (I’d put him in his fifties, probably.) I find it disturbing that, after exposing himself to a startled woman on the highway, he quite possibly drove home to get a kiss on the cheek from his wife and hug his daughter.
Presumably said wife and daughter don’t know how deeply pathetic he is.