Did I mention spoilers?
Okay, I am disappointed in that article. Shocking? You call that shocking? You only used up my year’s supply of OH NO YOU DIDN’T. I was hoping the true shocking death the director wanted was something like:
Matthew and Mary are on a ship on their way to [PLACE RICH PEOPLE GO] and they are attacked by PIRATES! Matthew and Mary swing on ropes over to the pirate ship, cutlasses clenched in their teeth, and fight back to back until they have slain most of the pirate crew. Mary is looking beautiful and mostly unruffled, but Matthew is bleeding a bit, since we all know he’s not nearly as badass as Mary. Then disaster strikes! They find a mysterious chest with an ANCIENT BOOK in it, which Matthew flips through, failing to notice the signs that it is actually a lost tome some alien and disturbing race which may or may not contain the phrase, “Ia! Ia! Cthulhu fhtagn!” As Mary and Matthew prepare to return to their newly-saved steamer, one of the “dead” pirates (who we now realize is wearing a stylish black cloak and mask instead of the more traditional ratty frock coat) uses his last few heartbeats to shoot Matthew in the back! Matthew falls, clutching at the railing. Mary reaches for him, but just then a GREAT WHITE SHARK leaps from the water and latches on to his legs! Matthew, face pale and eyes wide, whispers, “Fly, you fools!” before the tentacles of a GIANT SQUID come up from the depths and rip both Matthew and the shark away from the ship. When last we see Matthew, he is manfully wrestling with the shark even as a squid tentacle wraps around his neck. AND SCENE.
And forever more, that is how Matthew kicked the bucket. IN MY HEART. Only you never actually see him die, so he could totally come back as Matthew the… uh… well, he’s already whiter than white bread with miracle whip so let’s go a bit different and say MATTHEW THE PINK. With a fucking awesome beard to boot.