Try, for a moment, to imagine the most ridiculously awesome thing possible. Imagine a unicorn composed of woven rainbows and cotton candy with hooves of chiming silver bells and a goofy, horsey smile. Imagine this unicorn galloping across a sky made of pie and pudding and baby giggles while Eric Prydz’s Call On Me remix plays in an endless disco loop in the background. And on this unicorn’s back are Lady Gaga and Tom Hiddleston, wearing matching meat dresses, holding hands and singing along while fireworks and magical sparkles burst into being and simultaneously Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks a velociraptor in the face over and over again for all eternity.
Got that all?
Okay. Now imagine something even more awesome.
That’s because you haven’t seen Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter yet. You lack the necessary vocabulary for the sort of awesome we’re talking about here.
Let me put it to you straight. This is not a good movie. God no. The pacing gets weird, some of the characters can’t seem to figure out who exactly they are from one scene to another, and to call some of the dialog cringe-inducing would be a kindness. And it doesn’t actually matter.
Because let’s be honest. You aren’t watching this movie because you want to watch something good. You’re watching it because you want to see Abraham Motherfucking Lincoln kill a shitload of vampires. With an ax. Which he twirls around like he’s in the color guard contingent recruited directly from Hell. You’re watching this moving because it’s shit-eating-grin cracked-out fun.
Which is exactly what it is. Anyone who tries to take this movie seriously (or thinks this movie is in any way taking itself seriously) is missing the point entirely. It’s not supposed to be serious, or good, or compelling. It’s supposed to be a thing that makes you giggle so hard with pure, child-like glee that you think you’re going to strain a muscle in your face.
I paid $10.50 to see this movie and I feel like I got every penny of enjoyment I was owed and more, from the first ridiculous moment of bitty Abraham Lincoln running at a bad guy with a hatchet to the first part of the credits where they make a map of the US out of flowing cgi blood.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is one of those rare movies where what you saw in the trailer is exactly what you get out of the movie. So if you watched the trailer and thought “Hell yeah I want to eat some fucking popcorn and watch vampires with bad southern accents get chopped apart in random moments of super slow motion” then go to your theater, throw money at them, and get on your goddamn magic unicorn.
If me stating: Dude. It’s a hatchet. With a gun in it. It’s a fucking HATCHETGUN, doesn’t make you want to instantly reach through the internet and engage in a serious brofist, this is not the movie for you.
Honest as Abe.