It’s a cassic, and I haven’t seen it yet.
Get ready for bad geology in 3… 2… 1…
1740: Here we go. The opening titles have some brooding strings going. (Ellen: “Pierce Brosnan? WOO!” Woo indeed, Ellen.) Oooh, look at those flamey opening titles. THE RAGING FURY OF A VOLCANO.
1741: Make no mistake. This is a movie about volcanoes. Volcanoes that will FUCK YOU UP. Run from the flames pathetic humans! RUN! RUN!
1742: Is that a sparkler?
1743: I don’t know what’s the bigger emergency. The volcano or that man’s shirt. Wow.
1744: Okay, I will say. I like the volcanic bombs.
1745: “A volcano killed my wife. I am now doing pushups so I can kill the next volcano I meet WITH MY BARE HANDS.”
1746: “Going on vacation isn’t going to kill me. BUT IT KILLED MY WIFE.”
1746: For the record, kids, most geologists are not that obsessed with pushups, unless it’s an arm strengthening exercise for developing your drinking arm. And admittedly our hair generally isn’t that good either.
1748: He just left his glasses behind in the shop. Because A VOLCANO KILLED HIS WIFE.
1749: And then the mayor just leaves her car in the middle of the street. What is it with this town?
1750: A major investment in your economic future? Doomed. You’re all doomed.
1750: Also, naked coeds in the hot springs? Doomed as well. Because everyone knows that pigeons can sense volcanoes coming.
1752: Oh Sarah Connor. You used to be so much more badass. Why are you just honking your horn? Go in there and drag that kid out by the scruff of his neck with your LADY BICEPS.
1752: And now that we’ve put the single mom mayor in the car with the hot widower from the USGS, are we telegraphing much? That’s where my money is
1753: Also, almost no one calls it ‘the United States Geological Survey.’ Everyone I have ever met just calls it ‘the USGS.’
1753: You can tell he’s a geologist. He correctly identified a quartz crystal on the first try.
1755: Are you Mayor McSingleton’s boyfriend? She wishes.
1755: Yes. Mt. St. Helens. Nothing happened then.
1755: I wonder what mountain played Dante’s Peak?
1756: The glasses have mysteriously reappeared.
1757: Look at that picture he took with no scale. Fail geologist.
1757: “A man who stares at a rock must have a lot on his mind.” And we all LAUGH.
1758: I think they should have made this a zombie squirrel movie instead of a volcano movie.
1759: I love how he waits until the little boy is about to dive in before saying anything.
1800: …wait, how is the carbon dioxide killing trees? Ellen offers that maybe it’s like oxygen poisoning. But then all the humans would be dead too.
1801: Ah, douchey bald guy that thinks money is more important than human life. This is a familiar character. Thank you for providing the necessary fig leaf to explain why we aren’t immediately GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
1803: And here’s the grizzled old geologist (you can tell he’s grizzled because he actually uses USGS) who is overly cautious because Pierce Brosnan is a MAVERICK! A maverick with a DARK PAST. Who NEEDS A VACATION.
1806: Oh don’t be silly. Geologists drink BEER, not whiskey.
1808: Oh, and of course Mayor McSingleton runs the coffee shop. And spills coffee on them so they can flirt.
1808: “I’ve always been better at figuring out volcanoes than people and politics.” /groan
1812: Those kids are not very bright.
1813: Okay, sorry, he wasn’t married. So he just had the love of his life MURDERED BY A VOLCANO.
1814: I’m glad you’re here, Harry, so we can all die a fiery death together.
1815: “Good coffee… you know what Harry? This town might just be worth saving.” Okay, I’ll admit. That’s kind of accurate. If it’s good beer we will go down into the Earth and punch the magma chamber in the face to stop it from erupting.
1815: LOL. “She was in to cyrstals. Not rocks, crystals.” Okay, that is beautiful.
1819: “I don’t think this is a very good idea.” Gaby: Aw, grow a pair.
1823: This is probably the least compelling helicopter rescue I’ve ever watched. Though I do like the mid-air cuddling that’s going on.
1825: Wait, if the biggest quake was 2.9, how would you feel it? OH MY GOD PEOPLE JUST FACT CHECK. Three minutes on the internet. That’s all it takes.
1830: I just. I don’t even know what is up with this scene. She’s like wanting to give him coffee, except it’s totally sex and not coffee, only he says he doesn’t like her coffee but sex is TOTALLY LIKE A BICYCLE. This is some of the worst romantic dialog ever.
1831: I feel like it was a relief to everyone involved that the kid woke up.
1832: I do like that they bring up Mt. Pinatubo.
1834: Ah, the free-spirited old lady who refuses to leave the volcano. I can smell where this part of the plot is going. Like sulfur.
1838: That was an awesome scream out of that woman.
1838: “For what it’s worth, you were right, I was wrong.” /looks at erupting volcano. YEAH NO SHIT.
1846: Good effort with the helicopter crash, but I think this movie still needs more fireballs.
1847: He doesn’t have enough time, but he’s a MAVERICK! And not this time you damn dirty volcano! NOT THIS TIME!
1847: Now the volcano is throwing plastic boulders at his car. No fair.
1849: Yeah Ruth. Way to murder your whole family by being a crusty old bitch that wants to prove she isn’t afraid of a volcano.
1850: Crazy movie geologists: We’re riding this one all the way down! God’s big show! John: Hell with you guys, I’m out of here.
1850: OH MY GOD LAVA FLOWING INTO THE CABIN AND THEY JUST RUN AWAY FROM IT AND THEN JUMP IN THE BOAT WE ARE DYING. Because everything is on fire from the AWESOME HEAT OF THE LAVA. Except for you know, the humans.
1852: Volcanic activity has turned the lake into acid. But it’s okay, because okay because there’s a quartz crystal. And singing. Though I will note, Pierce Brosnan sings MUCH BETTER in this movie than he did in Mama Mia!
1854: Because the water. Is acid. And wrapping your hand in a shirt will totally help? Not unless it’s water proof. And apparently that’s some hella acidic water considering it’s MELTING GRANDMA. This scene is unspeakably ridiculous.
1855: Gaby: Just leave her behind. Me: Yeah, she wanted to stay behind anyway. John: Is that how Venezuelans treat their grandmas?
1857: Her legs look like a terrible suntan bed accident but it’s okay HAVE THE CRYSTAL.
1900: I bet you didn’t realize that all geologists know how to hotwire cars. It’s grad school 101 baby, because we’re fuckin badass like that.
1902: Gaby: What are you doing, fool! Just get out of the van and run! Me: But the new paint job! And I just had the satellite dish put on! And the shag carpeting in the back!
1903: /Willhelm scream
1904: Stuck in the lava! Just rock it back and forth. There might be some cat litter in the back of the truck.
1904: And… a daring puppy rescue? That was random. Grandma died, but we saved the dog. I don’t have words for this.
1907: OH MY GOD! WE PREDICTED THE MOUNTAIN IS LIKE GOING TO ERUPT EVEN MORE. How do you even predict that? YOU CAN’T.
1907: You correctly identified a pyroclastic cloud. You’re such a geologist.
1908: OH MY GOD PYROCLASTIC FLOW IN THE REVIEW MIRROR DRIVE FAAAASTEEEEEER (Okay, you realize these things move at something like 700 km/h.)
1909: They act like the force of the flow is the issue instead of the fact that it’s made out of FUCKING SUPERHEATED (1000C) GASES AND ASH and should have broiled them alive instantly. /facepalm That’s what makes pyroclastic flows so scary!
1910: Oh wait, I figured it out. It was a supercooled pyroclastic flow and that’s why it was moving so slowly.
1911: Annoying little girl: my head hurts. Mayor McSingleton: My head hurts too. Me: Bitch, you ain’t even WATCHING this movie.
1911: Harry: You ever go deep sea fishing? – “You like watching gladiator movies?”
1916: Yay, Harry managed to get the McGuffin turned on. Good for him.
1921: And thus the village was saved. At least this movie wasn’t as long as 2012. Or it sure didn’t feel as long.