[Movie] The Hobbit 2: Alternate Titles

Considering you don’t actually see the titular desolation until over halfway through the movie, I thought perhaps some alternate titles would be more appropriate. [Spoilers]

The Hobbit 2: 

  • Dwarf Royale With Extra Cheese
  • Gosh Aren’t You a Little Tall For a Dwarf?
  • In Mirkwood Spider Stomp On You
  • There’s Nothing More Badass Than an Archer
  • Now With Orcs and Dwarves Running
  • We Make Thor 2 Look Like the United Nations
  • Rise of the Fabulous, Spinny Elven Bastards
  • Ugh It Smells Like Wet Dwarf in Here
  • How Many Legolases Can Dance on the Head of a Dwarf?
  • We Made Up An Entire Elf Just For Some Relief From This Goddamn Sausage Fest
  • Daddy Issues, Daddy Issues, Daddy Issues
  • It’s Totally Different Because This Time It’s Under The Mountain and They’re Being Chased By a Dragon, Not Goblins Geeze
  • All You Need Is a Sassy, Lying Hobbit
  • Check Out How We Spent Our CGI Budget
  • Let Sleeping Dragons Lie
  • No Really This Movie Totally Needed to Be Almost Three Hours Long Trust Us
  • As Your Bladder Softly Weeps
  • I’d Pay Ten Bucks to See Thranduil Channel David Bowie I Don’t Know About You
  • We Spent Our Gold on Orcs, Not Editors
  • A Compendium of Legolas’s Bitch Please Looks
  • The Best Cinematic Dragon Ever
  • If the Darkness Had Bothered to Call First I Would Have Done Something With My Hair, Maybe Picked Up a Bottle of Wine But No Now We’re Just Making Awkward Conversation Over Freezerburned Chicken Nuggets
  • Get Your Shit Together, Thorin, Jesus Christ
  • Orcs Are Kind of Like Visa They’re Everywhere You Want to Be, Serve a Dark and Terrible Master, Want to Consume Your Flesh, and Have Horrifying Teeth Okay Maybe Not That Last One
  • Don’t Worry Legolas, You Get Your Elf/Dwarf Romance in the Next Trilogy
  • Thorin Fat Shames a Dragon
  • This Plan Will Totally Work It’s Not Like Dragons Breathe Fire Or Anything

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