date: Sun, Apr 13, 2014 at 1:37 PM
subject: INVITATION TO THE GREAT ILLUMINATI
Your email was selected among the ten lucky people giving the opportunity of becoming rich and popular by joining the great Illuminati network for more details please contact email ([redacted]) for more details.
Er. Wait. No. I’m not being given the opportunity, I’m giving the opportunity.
HOLY SHIT I’M ALREADY PART OF THE ILLUMINATI! AND I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW! That’s how amazing and secret this great network of rich and popular people is. I was already in the Illuminati and I didn’t even know it! Well, I’m glad to know that in addition to being rich and popular, I’m also so generous I’m helping people join an organization I didn’t even know I was part of.
Though I’m kind of disappointed that the Illuminati are about being rich and popular. I mean, rich, okay. But doesn’t popular kind of defeat the purpose of being a super secret and shadowy organization? And I thought there was going to be like…globe-dominating power. Manipulating heads of state like little marionettes and laughing with a rich deep voice while doing so. Can I have that instead of the popularity? I’d rather be the creepy shadow behind the throne rather than having an entourage of people who think I’m cool. That just seems kind of exhausting.
For more details I will be certain to contact the e-mail address (which is f-ing hilarious and I am sad that I had to redact it on the principle of the thing but let’s just say that apparently the GREAT ILLUMINATI use Outlook.com) for more details. The GREAT ILLUMINATI know that being redundant is the secret to being rich and popular and so is being redundant. DO NOT QUESTION THEIR METHODS. I mean OUR methods. Because I’m already there. I’m so rich and popular I didn’t realize I was rich and popular THAT IS HOW RICH AND POPULAR I AM.