I’m actually contemplating seeing Hitman: Agent 47 this weekend. This is mostly my BFF Mike’s fault, because he is weak to incredibly stupid and trashy action movies. But I’m willing to actually go along with him on this one, which I think is pretty much the cinematic equivalent of sitting on a curb and eating cookie dough straight out of the package while crying, because that is all I deserve.
I’ve been aware of the Hitman games in the sense that I’ve seen them on Let’s Plays and noticed them in the video game store, and thought they looked like they’re for people who want all of the murder of Assassin’s Creed without so much plot getting in the way. Which is not a judgment on you if you really like these games, it’s more a way of saying that I don’t think I’m the target audience and that’s okay.
But I think one thing is worth noting here. What has made me willing to pay actual money to sit in front of a movie loosely based on a game series I don’t care about and stuff popcorn into my maw was the second trailer. See, here was the first trailer:
THINGS EXPLODE IN A CITY POPULATED ENTIRELY WITH WHITE PEOPLE! THERE IS SHOOTING! LADYPERSON IN BIKINI! You don’t actually matter, ladyperson, other than you are the sexy lamp that will lead us to the actual important person, who is your dad. Wow, I sure have never seen this movie a million and a half times already. (And sorry, 47, your version of “You’re locked in here with me,” is sadly lacking in comparison to Rorschach’s.) Blaaaaaaaaaaah.
Then there was the second trailer:
W-wait. Ladyperson is also a super badass assassin who is going to join in with hot tie-wearing assassin and together they will SHOOT AND BLOW UP ALL THE THINGS INCLUDING TERMINATOR SYLAR? (Trailer 3 seems to confirm this.)
Okay. Bring me some popcorn and an alcoholic beverage. I will watch your train wreck, because it is all I deserve.