Dear Rando

Dear Rando With Whom I Was Apparently in Some Crucible Matches Today, Not That I Noticed Because I Was Paying Attention to My Own Fucking Business,

Wow, thank you so much for taking time out of your no-doubt busy day (I mean, come on–only the most important and high-drive people are playing Crucible at noon on a Friday, right?) to let me know that I suck at PvP. I never would have guessed that without your insightful and helpful messaging over Xbox Live. Like wow, I thought my negative K/D ratio was a great thing, like what do you mean PvP doesn’t have the same kind of scoring regime as golf? Gosh, my face is red.

But this is a very important thing, since my sad playing in a whole two or three matches disturbed your zen enough that you felt the need to take valuable time and energy to message me, a complete stranger, with your obviously valuable opinion. I guess I should be honored to have been given the gift of time by someone so much better at a small portion of a video game than me. I’m humbled, really.

Because god knows what might have happened, if I’d dared to keep playing. The internet might have blown up in the fires of my absolute failure to shoot video game people in the head with a gun made out of math. The massive weight of my sucking at PvP could have warped space and time and caused a singularity to fall into the center of the earth and destroyed life as we know it. Hyper intelligent aliens, on the verge of contacting humanity, might have taken one look at that match and been like, “well, we were totally going to give these sad monkey people the cure for death and the answer to all poverty, but that bitch can’t even hit someone with a grenade so lolbye.”

(Oops, except I did keep playing, by the way.)

I mean this is a Big Deal that I somehow messed up your ability to win an Extremely Important Video Game Thing for maybe an hour while I was playing. Because god knows you must be more important than me, and your enjoyment of the game must be more important than mine, and your feelings about this game that we have literally paid the same amount of money for are way more valid than mine.

We don’t need to get into the fact that the only reason I’m even grinding in PvP at all is because Bungie keeps forcing it on us by making quests and weapons that have to be completed in PvP. We don’t need to get into the fact that the only reason I’m there to ruin your match with my unbridled suckitude is because I’m being compelled to, and I want to be there as little as you want me to be there. And we don’t need to get into the fun vicious cycle of how you can’t get good at a thing unless you do it, but when other people make doing the thing unpleasant because you’re not good, you don’t want to do it, and… well, does that even matter?

Obviously not to you. Because only you matter, right? Only you exist in your sad little world of one, where your video game accomplishments are so important that they’re worth being shitty to a stranger about, I’m guessing because you literally have nothing else going for you.

In conclusion: I invite you to eat all of the dicks. And while you’re working your way through that pile, marinate in the knowledge that you being super awesome A+ lolgitgudnewb at PvP has exactly the same effect on where you sit in the world as me being shit does: none. Zip. Your power is as fictional as glimmer and even less useful because it has no place in even the made-up economy of a game.

Enjoy your dick salad with dick dressing followed by a steaming plate of dicks alfredo and maybe a nice dick mousse with macerated dicks on top for dessert.


The Titan Who Sucks at PvP and Gives No Fucks

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