Final Presidential Debate Liveblog

So, going in to this, I have one thought: if President Obama can’t manage to win a debate on foreign policy against Mitt Romney, he doesn’t deserve to remain president. Frankly, Mitt Romney has been incoherent in every foreign policy statement I’ve ever heard him make – which basically boils down to “Uh I have no idea let’s bomb shit in the Middle East. And Benghazi! Yeah!”

I’m planning to drink every time Benghazi and Iran get mentioned. Chugging when Obama mentions we killed Osama bin Laden. I shall also chug if Mitt Romney has the solid iron balls necessary to try to lie about the President calling Benghazi an act of terror again. Because I’m really just wondering how much of Fox News alternate reality we’ll hear.

Anyway. T-minus ten minutes until we start. I’ll update about every 10 minutes or so and become no doubt less coherent as the night goes on.

1902: The questions all belong to Bob Schieffer! All of them! And he’s not sharing!

1903: …and then my mom just paused the debate so we are in a holding pattern. CURSE YOU DVR.

1914: And okay, we’re back.

1915: How come Romney gets two glasses of water? I’m sure there’s a rich white guy joke in there.

1917: Benghazi to start with, huh? And Romney gets to start. Will there be more lying? Do I even need to ask?

1918: And… Iran. And Osama bin Laden. Good idea by Romney to mention it first, nice strategy. But I’m having a hard time figuring out what the fuck Romney is even saying What is the point of this? You need a comprehensive strategy? What strategy?

1919: Nice poke by Obama about Iraq not having anything to do with 9/11.

1921: Yes, tell us about your strategy. So it’s more than killing bad guys? It’s simple but it’s broad?

1922: More economic development? How, when you’re all about major sanctions?

1922: And I’m sorry, but every time Romney claims women’s liberation is important in the Middle East, I laugh in a horrible bitter way.

1923: And what bothers me here is he’s saying x, y, and z need to happen but not how the hell the US would be involved in doing this.

1923: Nicely done Obama… “Glad that you finally recognize Al Qaeda is a thread instead of Russia.” And pointing out Romney’s foreign policy positions are basically from the 80s if not earlier. Oh man. This is brutal.

1925: Wow. I feel almost bad for Romney except he’s an awful human being. But damn.

1925: “Attacking me is not talking about how we’re going to respond to things in the middle east” – UH AND YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT THAT?  Holy shit this man is lying at the speed of light. Why. Why is Russia an issue?

1927: This is the sound of fact checkers collectively screaming in agony.

1928: Syria. Oh gosh.

1929: These are some tough questions. Good.

1929: I think Obama makes a good point that charging in without having clear objectives in Syria is a bad idea.

1930: Syria isn’t Iran’s only ally. And it’s not the one stop shop to stopping Iran. And wait… now Romney says he basically wants to do the same thing as Obama? What? When did this happen? We need to work with our allies and see the long game… that’s exactly what Obama just said.

1933: And now we’re back to Lybia… why?

1934: Oh, bringing it as an example for how Syria will be handled.

1934: Hahaha and Bob Schieffer asks Romney if he’d actually do anything different from the administration. And… apparently not? Except Romney specifically wants a puppet government. Ugh because that always works great.

1935: Consensus here – the only different is Romney says we need to find opportunity, Obama says we have and are working on it.

1936: Obama says Romney isn’t coming up with different ideas because we’re already doing this. It’s the leadership we’ve already shown. Fail, Romney. Fail.

1937: Funny, when Obama says that it’s necessary for women to be given full rights, I actually believe him.

1937: We should probably also drink every time someone says Israel.

1937: But kudos to Obama for pointing out that people in Egypt (and everywhere really) want the same kind of things, like a good life, good schools for their kids, etc.

1938: Obama calls Afghanistan and Iraq an experiment in nation building and says we’ve failed at home. Nicely done.

1939: And then Romney agrees with him again about Mubarak, basically. But he’s getting to talk about how awesome he would have been in hindsight and gotten ahead of things.

1939: Our mission is to make sure the world is peaceful… is that really the mission the US should have ultimately?

1941: I think Romney missed guns versus butter day in economics.

1941: What’s America’s role in the world is the question.

1941: The privilege of defending freedom? Ugh. And he talks about free elections, but let’s remember how much everyone has bitched up and down when apparently free elections put people in power that America doesn’t like.

1942: It’s guns OR butter, Mitt. Guns OR butter.

1943: Ended the war in Iraq! Drink!

1944: I feel like both of these answers are long, incoherent strings of bullshit. I must need to drink more.

1945: CLEAN COAL SCREEEEEAM

1946: “I’ve got a plan for the future.” Right Romney. And your 12 million jobs. Your 12 million mysterious jobs.

1946: …can we get back to foreign policy? Bleeeeeeh

1949: Bob: Let’s get back to foreign policy.
Us: /applause
Romney: Let me talk about education.
Us: /groan
BOB GET OUT THE CATTLE PROD AND SHUT THESE ASSHOLES UP.

1952: Romney, where are you going to get the money to spend that much on the military? Really?

1952: Wow, not even Obama can keep a straight face. And then he brings up the tax cuts. And math. And spending even more on the military.

1953: Obama says military spending has gone up every year as if this is a good thing.

1955: Mitt Romney, running the country isn’t the same as a business. For fuck’s sake.

1955: Did Romney really bring up the sequester? You know, that thing his running mate voted for?

1956: WE WANT TO BE ABLE TO FIGHT EVERYONE IN THE WORLD!!!!! Ugh.

1956: “I think governor Romney has not spent enough time seeing how our military actually works… we have less of some things but we also have less horses and bayonets. We have these things called aircraft carriers…” OH SHIT SON.

1957: Uh oh, Israel…

1959: Military action as the last resort.

2000: Man, they are both just dancing around this question at speed.

2001: And once again Romney is basically saying yes what the President is doing but uh… I would have done it first.

2002: One, I will make a list. Two, I will read you that list.

2003: Give Iran a chance to re-enter the community of nations. Wow. That’s different. “I’m glad Governor Romney agrees with the steps we’re taking.” HAHAHAHA “You’d do the same things we did but you’d say them louder.” Wow, Obama.

2005: Romney claims that Iran thinks the administration is weak… oh my god, are we going back to the preconditions shit from the debate with McCain. Stupid machismo bullshit.

2007: “Nothing that Governor Romney just said is true.” And he just called it a whopper. Wow. That’s… wow where was this Obama in the first debate?

2008: Wow, he brought up the Chinese oil company thing.

2009: Yes, tell us why it’s an apology tour for daring to not be a giant asshole to everyone else.

2010: “Mr. President, America has not dictated to other nations.” OH NO YOU DIDN’T.

2010: Obama: “Let’s talk about overseas trips.” Oh my god. And slams Romney on fundraising there. Man they are getting NASTY.

2011: DAMN ROMNEY YOU JUST GOT SERVED.

2012: Does he have anything to say other than Iran being four years closer to a bomb?

2013: …wait a second, did Romney just say North Korea is exporting their nuclear technology HAHAHAHAHAHA OH SHIT Y’ALL I FIGURED IT OUT HE GOT HIS FOREIGN POLICY REPORT FROM THE NEW RED DAWN.

2013: “I’m please you are no endorsing our policy of applying diplomatic pressure.” Wow. Glad he’s pointing out Romney has had every mission known to man.

2015: This is the all bin Laden section. I may not survive this level of drinking.

2017: I am waiting for the portion of the debate where Obama says, “Quit hitting yourself. Why do you keep hitting yourself?”

2017: Oh wow, a 2014 deadline. That’s a unique and interesting idea, Mitt.

2018: And then a friend shows me this HAHAHA

2020: Obama talks about our partners and our allies a lot. Romney really doesn’t. This is really offputting I think to be honest… I’m really sick of America acting like we’re the only fucking country in the world.

2022: You know, one thing I have to give Mitt is that, unlike previous Republican candidates, he can pronounce the world nuclear correctly.

2024: I’ve noticed that Mitt Romney has had some good responses. But all of his reasonable ones have basically been “What Obama does but LOUDER.”

2024: Drones. Ugh, drones. I HATE BOTH OF YOU. Killing bad guys my ass jesus fuck this is not a movie.

2026: Wow, someone works fast. 

2027: The US homeland really Obama? Gross.

2027: Oh my god we are going to talk about something other than the middle east.

2027: China is a potential partner if it follows the rules. He’s setting himself up as a good contrast to Mitt’s incoming machismo bullshit about tough talking a nation that doesn’t give a fuck about our opinions.

2028: So I noticed the more I drink the more I cuss.

2028: Mitt Romney would like us to know that the greatest threat that the world faces is a nuclear Iran. Because I guess when they get one bomb they will drill a hole to the center of the planet and then blow up the earth’s core with the bomb and we’ll have to call in James Bond and goddamnit he is not American.

2033: China doesn’t want the world to be free and open… have you seen their internet? What? Mitt? I don’t get it.

2034: Mitt do you really want to go here about companies shutting down? Isn’t this what you do?

2034: Day one is such a busy day. They are not a currency manipulator. Mike has become incoherent with annoyance.

2035: Wow what happened to his macho shit about China?

2036: And then Obama hits him about companies shutting down and going overseas whoops.

2037: Every time I look at Mitt’s face when the President talks, I feel like I’m watching a Prilosec commercial.

2038: …wait he wants to talk about the auto industry QUIT HITTING YOURSELF WHY DO YOU KEEP HITTING YOURSELF

2039: “Under no circumstances would I do anything but to help this industry get back on its feet.” Jesus fucking Christ.

2040: “I’m still talking” WOW DUDE YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.

2041: Wow Romney do you actually believe your own lies holy fuck I think he does. History is a flexible thing in that man’s brain.

2044: Did Romney just claim to love teachers?

2045: Wow we’re already on closing statements? DRINK! DRINK! DRINK FOR YOUR LIFE.

Post debate:
Chris Matthews: the President was very good on Osama bin Laden.
Me: the only way he could be bad on that was if he said “I killed Osama bin Laden” and then punched a nun in the face.

Romney punched himself in the face for an hour and a half. Obama wins. My liver hates me. The end.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: