Vice Presidential debate liveblog

Okay, going to not quite liveblog this, since we’re probably going to start just a bit late and DVR is magical. But I’ll still update as we watch, about every 10 minutes or so.

So, I am looking forward to this debate. A lot. More than any presidential debate, for certain. (The president has to have decorum. Joe Biden is there to say the shit we’re all thinking, right?) The VP debate from four years ago was the drunkest I’d been in quite a while (thank you Sarah Palin). I doubt this one will be quite that fun, though I think if I drink every time Paul Ryan lies and Joe Biden smiles in an eerie, toothy way, I’ll be smashed in no time at all.

I honestly love Vice President Biden. That man has never met a script he wouldn’t immediately run away from as fast as possible. And he will always have a special place in my heart for baldly schooling Sarah Palin on Dick Cheney being the worst vice president ever. All the while grinning to show what shockingly white, wolfish teeth he has. I felt like he went out of his way to be nice to Sarah Palin so he wouldn’t look mean; I think this will be a test of that hypothesis since Paul Ryan is made of plastic and has no feelings for Joe Biden to spare.

So yes. This ought to be fun. Waiting to see how many things Paul Ryan says that the campaign will then immediately deny because lying baldly and then walking it back quietly later is an excellent strategy.

Five minutes until starting time!

AND HERE WE GO

1914: Oh look at that moderator. You know she’s biased. She’s a woman. Her ovaries have a liberal bias.

1915: We’ll get through nine sections? Either she’s optimistic, or they’ve learned and armed her with a cattleprod.

1916: OH AND THERE IS JOE BIDEN’S SMILE. I have missed you, Joe Biden’s smile.
Isaac: Oh Joe Biden. You terrifying imp of a man.

1917: Joe, you just kind of skated right over Libya. Sigh.

1918: Wow, first mention of Osama bin Laden, four minutes flat.

1920: And Paul Ryan brings up embassy security? Is that a place you really want to go… the Republicans cut funding for that. Guess we’ll see if Joe jumps on him.

1921: Paul Ryan says that Obama’s foreign policy is unraveling. Joe does a toothy grin and laughs. I HAVE MISSED YOU JOE. Oh my god. I AM DRINKING SO MUCH.

1922: “With all due respect, that’s a bunch of malarky.”
THE ROOM ERUPTS IN CHEERS.
Wow, and Joe starts right off with the Republicans cutting embassy security funding.
/chugs

1923: Sorry Jim Lehrer, this moderator is much better. I think she must have punched them both in the balls pre-debate to let them know she meant business.

1925: Paul Ryan brings up embassy security again. Joe Biden looks disbelieving.

1926: Moderator: “I’d actually like to move to Iran.”
…that’s some unfortunate phrasing.

1928: Joe Biden: “That’s incredible.” Then proceeds to eat Paul Ryan’s lunch. However, I will note I think Joe’s full of shit on Iran too. But thank goodness he’s slamming the bluster. I’m so sick of the macho posturing about Iran.

1933: Joe, “a bunch of stuff” is not a valid debating technique. Even if it’s Irish. (Maybe I can try to use that in my thesis and claim I learned it from the VP…)

1935: Joe Biden: “Facts matter.” Wow. I love you so much.

1937: Joe Biden: War should already be the last resort.

1937: “I may be mistaken, he [Romney] changes his mind all the time.” Bwahahaha. Nicely done.

1938: ooooh jobs and the economy. Paul Ryan is supposed to be a Jedi here. Let’s see.

1939: Wow, 47% and 30% hits by Biden. He really does exist to say what we’re all thinking. Wow, and he brought up Grover Norquist. I think my mom is going to start writing him love letters.

1940: Wow. Joe Biden stopped smiling for a minute. Please keep smiling. It’s even scarier.

1941: Paul Ryan: The economy is getting worse!
Joe Biden: You are so full of shit.
Us: We love you, Joe.

1942: DID RYAN JUST CALL ROMNEY A CAR GUY? Well, I guess he’s personally supporting the industry by buying so many…

1943: Paul Ryan: [Biden] knows sometimes the words don’t come out of your mouth the right way.
Joe Biden: Yes, but I always say what I mean.
/CHUGS

1944: Biden: I don’t doubt Romney’s commitment to individuals, but I don’t believe his commitment to the automotive industry.

1945: Biden: Stop talking about how you care about people and show me the policy.
Wow. Goddamn. And talking about the obstructionism and the debt hypocrisy. WOW.

1949: Paul Ryan: Medicare is going bankrupt. Social Security is going bankrupt.
My mom: Bullshit! Bullshit!
Me: It’s okay, mom. Joe’s got your back.

1950: Oh god. He brought up the 716 billion number too. Really?

1951: I will give Paul Ryan this; he was very coherent for this argument.

1951: Hahaha Joe Biden references the Sarah Palin debate with the death panels thing.

1953: “Their ideas are old.” Wow.

1953: Ryan says “they got caught with their hand in the cookie jar.” OH MY GOD THE LOOK ON JOE BIDEN’S FACE.

1955: Wow, I want Joe to just keep interrupting Paul Ryan every time he lies. This is hilarious.

1959: …did Paul Ryan just imply that Joe Biden doesn’t have a record to run on? DA FUQ? I think that man has been in the senate longer than Paul Ryan has been alive.

2001: Joe Biden: I did give you a simple answer. They want people to pay more for Medicare.
Man, this guy is like a one man pull line machine.

2005: I love that even the moderator is asking Paul Ryan for specifics for the 20% across the board tax cuts and… he’s still not coming up with anything.
Moderator: …so no specifics yet.

2007: Joe Biden’s sure got some specifics about loopholes.

2008: Joe Biden: “Oh, now you’re Jack Kennedy?” /chugs

2008: Now Paul Ryan is pretending that the poor Republicans are just being pushed around by the President. Wow

2009: Biden: If Romney did such a good job in Massachusetts why is he not even contesting that state.
OH SHIT SON.

2010: I think the moderator is tired of the bullshit. Moving on to defense. Hoo boy.

2013: Man, this lady should be in charge of the other debates. She’s asking good questions and cutting them off when they try to go too long. Badass.

2018: I’m trying to figure out what Paul Ryan is actually saying about the timeline. It makes no sense. Like he agrees but doesn’t because “reasons.”

2021: There is some excitement here as my beer overflows. I think it’s too excited about Joe Biden talking about the surge. So much surging. (Foamiest beer ever.)

2021: Okay and is it me, or does Paul Ryan sound really patronizing every time he says “Oh, I know this thing is confusing.” It’s not confusing. You’re just an asshole.

2026: Paul Ryan doesn’t apparently understand how the UN security council works. And yeah, let’s not go to the UN. Let’s piss them off and be all alone in everything. Dumbass.

2030: Wow, she brought up abortion issue and religion.

2031: Reason and science against abortion? Do tell, Paul Ryan. Wow that’s great you were happy to see the heartbeat, but you wanted that baby.
And the biologist in the room quietly loses his shit.

2032: Wow suddenly we’re allowing exceptions now? How generous.

2033: Freedom of religion bullshit about how women getting birth control through their insurance is somehow against the first amendment FUCK YOU IN THE NECK.

2034: Joe Biden says he refuses to impose his religion upon others. THANK YOU FOR SAYING YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO CONTROL MY BODY.

2035: He brought up the forcible rape thing. Good for you Joe.

2035: Well, as a woman I feel like Joe won on abortion. Totally unbiased here. Gee, I wonder why I don’t feel like Paul Ryan generously allowing exceptions makes everything okay. Especially when I think he’s a damn liar.

2040: Another dig at the 47% thing by Joe. Nicely done.

2042: I love how the question about the advertisement negativity is answered with a bunch of negativity. Sigh.

2044: Yes Joe, god do we know that you don’t say things you don’t mean. We count on it. That’s why you’re hilarious AND awesome. Middle out, not top down. Nicely done.

Closing statements!

Joe Biden goes back to the 47% and 30% in his closing statement. It was a nice closing statement. And he used his serious voice. And mentioned Scranton.

Paul Ryan wants you to know his eyes are very blue. And that he can say thank you to rhyme with fuck you to Joe Biden. Apparently he and Mitt Romney will not duck tough issues. I guess that’s why they never answer hard questions?

…so, anyone who doesn’t think Joe Biden won needs his head examined. That is all.

Oh yeah and: I LOVE YOU JOE I HAD FOUR BEERS AND A GLASS OF PLUM WINE FOR YOU.

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