Vurping my way through the 50 Shades of Grey trailer 2

0014: Creepy piano music starts. We see frumpy lady in the elevator, startling as the elevator goes ding. Wanna bet that by the end of the trailer she will look supersexyhotinatotallyconventionalway because creepy dude semen has magical wardrobe-improving powers? 0014: “At least everyone’s white. I know that sounds kind of weird, but no one should have ...

Want to make me watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? 10

You know, the new one, produced by my favorite ever, Michael Bay. Because there is still a part of my childhood that has not been violated. In which all of the turtles look like Shrek. (Why should you want me to watch horrible movies? Well, for one, money goes to charity. For two, you’re sadistic ...

[Movie] Transformers 4: Fuck This Movie 12

I’ve been trying all day to come up with a funny way to write about how transcendently angry this movie made me. Something hopefully a bit more highbrow than the entire concept of “rage pee.” And then I realized I can’t do it, and it was going to stop me from meeting my obligation to you lovely ...

Transformers 4: I am drunk and I must rage pee 5

So this is kind of a giant excuse and an explanation. You see my first pee break in this movie, which is approximately 17 hours long and composed of jackahammers and CGI, I had to pee. And realized there was still an hour and fifteen fucking minutes fucking left in the fucking movie. Came back to ...

Give money to charity, make Rachael suffer through Transformers 4! 3

All right. You bastards tried to take me down four months ago, and I came up swinging. But I sense a new challenger on the horizon. Something far stronger than the combined might of iffy geology and Kiefer Sutherland in a toga twirling his non-existent mustache. Something that involves a lot of T&A and even ...

Pompeii: Deadly Weaksauce Eruption Destroys City 2

Well, I did it, you bastards. I saw Pompeii. Sorry that it took me 24 hours to get my write-up done, things were kind of busy today. So this is the thing. I went into this movie expecting to be incredibly annoyed by the geology. But actually, the geology wasn’t that bad. There were volcanic bombs ...

Give money to charity, make Rachael suffer. 5

Give money to charity, make Rachael suffer.
So, I keep seeing trailers for this: And it makes me:   So here is your golden opportunity to do good in the world AND make Rachael suffer horribly. PROGRESS TOWARD EARLIER ULTIMATE SUFFERING: $120/200 PROGRESS TOWARD ULTIMATE SUFFERING: $100/100 STAGE COMPLETE I’M SEEING THE STINKIN’ MOVIE IF you all collectively donate at least $100 across ...

Liveblog of 180

Okay, as promised. You guys are awesome and donated over $200 to the Red Cross, so I’m here to take my punishment. I’m going to watch the Ray Comfort “documentary” 180, a copy of which was left on my buddy David’s windshield one day when he was parked near a Planned Parenthood. (That this particular ...

Okay seriously why do you people hate me. (YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME)

Less than 24 hours after setting out the challenge, the goal of $100 donated to the Red Cross has been reached! Wow, you guys must seriously hate me! (And by that, I mean the people who read my blog are AWESOME.) Thus, you have bought my tasty, tasty suffering on Black Friday. I will liveblog ...

Donate to the Red Cross, Make Rachael Liveblog Something Awful

I’ve already donated to the Red Cross to help out those who have been caught by Hurricane Sandy. I’d like you to donate as well. And I have a (dubious) reward for you if you do! I’ve noticed my blog posts tend to get around 100 hits. I’m hoping that means at least 100 people ...