[Movie] Guardians of the Galaxy 5

[Movie] Guardians of the Galaxy
Guardians of the Galaxy is wonderful fun because it has no pretensions about being anything other than goofy, pulpy space opera. It’s unabashedly weird, colorful, and cheeky. And it’s one of those rarest of all animals, a movie where the trailer tells you exactly what you’re going to get: So yes, if you looked at that ...

Want to make me watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? 10

You know, the new one, produced by my favorite ever, Michael Bay. Because there is still a part of my childhood that has not been violated. In which all of the turtles look like Shrek. (Why should you want me to watch horrible movies? Well, for one, money goes to charity. For two, you’re sadistic ...

[Movie] Snowpiercer 13

There is a basic level of surreality you have to accept when you approach this movie, similar to when you watch a Terry Gilliam or Jean-Pierre Jeunet film. (I can’t believe it’s coincidence that one of the characters is named Gilliam.) There are things that happen that don’t necessarily make sense outside of a sort of ...

[Movie] Riddick 8

So, I’m really glad I didn’t bother seeing this movie in the theater. I’m now regretting even paying for it on pay-per-view. Because it actively pissed me off as I watched it. Let’s just do this bullet point style: It was obvious from moment one that the only reason Riddick found the alien puppy was ...

[Movie] The most disappointing thing about Edge of Tomorrow is its title 3

Couldn’t you have come up with something better for a title? Really? I felt like I should be seeing an episode of Star Trek. Or perhaps Lady Gaga would appear at any moment, wearing disturbingly avant garde yet somehow still sexy robotic battle armor with unbelievable high heels, and belt out a song while pyrotechnics ...

[Movie] Maleficent 4

Going to start this one off with a disclaimer, which is this: I am not an original dyed-in-the-wool Maleficent fangirl. I do not have a massive ladyboner for this Disney villain the way quite a few of my friends do. So I’m taking this movie as itself. It’s been well over a decade (man, probably ...

[Movie] X-Men: Days of Future Past 4

I don’t actually have too many major thoughts on this movie, other than gosh it was a nice gift to all us Charles/Erik shippers. (/cough) It was explodey and colorful and pretty much everything I’ve come to expect from one of these movies, which is in some ways good and in some ways bad. I ...

Godzilla 2014 (Oh look, another movie about white men.) 13

I have a lot of feelings about this movie. A lot of feelings. Spoiler: Many of them are not terribly positive. Just so I can mentally organize this, I’m going to split it into parts. NOTE: for the purposes of this long, long rant, I will be using Gojira to mean the original 1954 Japanese movie ...

[Movie] Chef

Which should be subtitled: Or: 115 minutes of unrelenting food porn; if you don’t leave the theater prepared to murder a hobo if it will only get you a cubano, you are either the most self-controlled vegan who has ever lived or dead. So that is the first thing you need to know about Chef. It’s a ...

[Movie] Under the Skin 8

[Movie] Under the Skin
My reaction to Under the Skin, summed up by well known philosopher, critic, and Hero of Canton, Jayne Cobb. Because I am an adult and make excellent life choices, I decided to see this movie at 2230 on Sunday, even knowing that it would mean getting less than five hours of sleep before work on Monday. ...