Category: fitness for fat nerds

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fitness for fat nerds

Losing another exercise

I think I might have to give up running pretty soon, for probably at least 7 or 8 months. I’m going to try to hold on until the Zombies, Run! virtual race because goddammit, that’s what I’ve been training for since November (10K or bust), but I’m not sure if I’ll be able to keep going much after. And for once it’s not because some new part of my body is attempting to fall off or explode. It’s because it’s too fucking hot. Or not even too fucking hot, just too fucking humid.

I used to say that I don’t deal well with heat, but no, I’m pretty sure I do okay with heat, it’s the humidity I can’t handle. I’ve had less miserable runs when it was 95F in Denver than when it’s 75F in Houston. Dizziness and vomiting when I’m barely doing 11 minute miles is some ridiculous bullshit, right there.

I feel like little by little, Houston is eating all of my options. I’ve basically given up on biking at this point, after a member of my peloton got hit by a car and killed on his way to a ride, and after having two extremely terrifying close calls of my own with Houston drivers. I can’t long distance on my own safely, and I haven’t been able to get up early enough for a group ride in forever, because at this point I’ve basically cut my candle in half so I can burn four ends at once. I’ve had to put my weightlifting on hold because I started having that awful, grinding sensation in my left shoulder, the one that makes me think I should really go ask the doctor to do a CAT scan of it, but I don’t really want to know what the answer will be and I don’t want to face another endless series of random doctor bills that my insurance doesn’t happen to cover.

What I learned when I started my grand project of losing weight and getting fit years ago was that the only way for me to make this work was to find ways to change my life I could live with on the very long term. That’s why I don’t believe in giving up specific foods or shit like that. And with exercise, it has to be something I can keep happily doing until some body part fails and I have to move on to the next thing. I don’t hate myself enough to effectively punish myself for hours at a time, multiple evenings a week. Life’s too short for that.

So no, running on a treadmill is not an option. I get so goddamn bored that five minutes stretches to a subjective hour, and all I can think is how much I hate exercising and would rather do anything else. Mountain biking isn’t an option, I don’t enjoy it.

I have to figure out what to do next. Going to have to find something indoors because I can barely handle the temperatures already and it’s only March–what the fuck is July even going to be like? Maybe dance lessons again. I had to give up on tap for a while because of my fucked up toe, but surgery has supposedly corrected that and I’ve been running okay on it for months. Maybe there’s a facility with a climbing wall around and I can finally learn how to do that. I hear if you do it right, you mostly use your legs anyway, so my pathetic level of upper body strength won’t kill me. Haven’t found any non-McDojos in my area, though, I’m very sorry to say.

What I’m most worried about is that I won’t find anything I like doing at all. Maybe I can float by on spinning and walking on a treadmill because at least that way I can pass the time by reading, but neither of those are as good as the real thing. But the other reason this is beyond important to me, running 3-4 times a week and walking 3+ miles every day, is since I started doing this, I haven’t had any more major problems with my lower back. So if I suddenly can’t do much walking any more because it’s Too Fucking Hot And I Want To Vomit Then Die, are my back problems going to return?

It’s kind of stupid, because I never thought of myself as an outdoorsy person. I grew up in Colorado, but I never much cared for camping and I have an aversion to dirt that’s downright hilarious in a geologist. But I get somewhere where suddenly I can’t just hop on my bicycle and ride downtown from my front door in about an hour, on paved, safe bike trails the whole way, or somewhere I can’t just go take a walk whenever I want without wanting to die from the sticky heat or worry about getting hit by a car, and I realize that yeah. I spent a lot of time outdoors. Way more than I ever realized, and I fucking miss it. You’d never think this much ridiculous urban sprawl could make someone feel suffocated and claustrophobic.

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fitness for fat nerds

10 rules of nutrition

To my non-expert but skeptical eyes, this is a pretty good article from io9: The Rules of Good Nutrition (That Absolutely Everybody Agrees On)

Points 1-7 even have citations! Citations! To journal articles!

Anyway, there are two points that I just want to highlight:

3. There is No Perfect Diet For Everyone

Bottom Line: The best diet for YOU is the one you get results with and that you can stick to in the long term.

and

9. “Diets” Don’t Work, a Lifestyle Change is Necessary

Bottom Line: Adopting a healthy lifestyle is the only way to ensure long term weight loss and a lifetime of improved health.

These are the things that have really been driven home to me over the last three years and my own continuing adventure in weight loss. People tend to push particular diets, because they’re fads, because they’re trying to sell you something, or often even just because it’s worked well for them so they think it should be a cure-all. It never is. You have to find a mix of foods that work for you to keep you fueled and healthy.

And more importantly, you have to find that mix that you can sustain and live with. It’s easy to go on a diet and make yourself eat shit you hate for like maybe a month, and then it’s all over. You have to like what you’re doing, or it’ll never work. You have to do changes that you can stick with permanently and be happy.

Because if it’s not making you happy (in the long run, there will always be fucking miserable days) then why the hell are you doing it?

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fitness for fat nerds

These are the things I tell myself before exercise

The very last thing I want you to think about is:

How will this make me look?

The mirror is a liar. It wants you to fail. It sells you doubt.

No. I want you to think:

How will this make me feel?

Fucking powerful, is how it should make you feel.

Strong. Fast. Like you can lift mountains and race lions

And win.

Free.

Like you’re Artemis reborn, and no one can ever catch you and you’ll use your last breath laughing.

Like Athena, ready to throw your spear and slay a thousand demons.

Like a warrior that doesn’t have to fight, because you’ve already won against yourself.

And sweat is the only crown of laurels you’ll ever need.

Because you’ve won. You’re here.

You’ve won.

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fitness for fat nerds

Something I haven’t done for 15 years.

Some of you already know this story, I’m sure. In high school, the one and only sport I could do (being a chubby nerd who couldn’t even run a quarter mile) was weightlifting. And I was actually good at it, which was the crazy part. I’m basically built like a draft horse, so for me lower body strength is where it’s at. Squat was my big event.

About fifteen years ago was the last weightlifting meet that I did, for State. In the weight room I’d done squats close to 300 lbs before, so that’s where I was headed, just working my way up to it. On my second squat  I was well over my body weight (I want to say somewhere in the neighborhood of 250 but you know how memory is) and I dropped under the bar. I think my back gave out, because I’ve always had a problem squatting low without starting to bend over. So I hit the mat with both knees and the bar still on my back and then my right hip went out.

So yeah. That was basically when I stopped doing squats. Because it scared the shit out of me that badly. And to this day, that’s one of the root causes of the problems I’ve had with my knees.

Well, hell with that. I’m tired of being scared of it. It’s not like the bar is going to jump off the rack and attack me. Or that’s what I told myself when I decided today, I was going to do it. Hack squats with a machine just aren’t as good. And the rack at the Fitness 19 has these nice things you can hang on it so if you do drop the bar, it’ll get caught before it utterly destroys you.

But I’m not going to claim I wasn’t kind of scared, going in. I did a couple practice squats with just the bar, to make sure everything was okay and see how low I felt safe going. Then I threw a pair of 45s on the bar and gave it a shot.

Damn, I forgot how much I hate having that stupid bar sitting across my shoulders. Ugh.

But I did it! And my third set I upped the weight to 155 and was still all right. I can’t go competition low any more, but that’s fine. I’m not competing with anyone but myself these days. I don’t have to be scared of the stupid bar any more. I’m taking my event back.

It feels good. (She says, gleefully thinking about just how sore her quads are going to be tomorrow.) You didn’t beat me, fear. It’s fifteen years later, and I’m going to win this thing.

 

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fitness for fat nerds

Start Guide: Weightlifting

I talked about weightlifting generally before, but I want to get into a little more detail about how to get started, since it might be a little intimidating if you’ve, say, never taken a class.

Workouts
You really don’t want to over train a particular muscle group. That can cause a lot of problems in the future. If you don’t have access to a trainer, I would suggest looking up a workout online (you will be able to find them for free). I’ve been using this full-body dumbbell only 3-day workout, for example. Once you’ve picked one, stick with it. Don’t add exercises to it, and substitute with caution. (Though for example I substitute bent row for wide-grip pull-up because I… can’t actually do pull-ups.)

And as always – there is good pain, and there is bad pain. You will have sore muscles at first when you start lifting. That’s a good pain. If your joints start hurting, or you start getting sharp pains instead of aches, that’s bad pain. Stop and consult your doctor.


Technique

So you know how I mentioned technique before? That’s the place where you start. Without proper technique you risk hurting yourself, or at the very least you won’t get as much as you should out of exercising. Proper technique means, for example, not cheating by swinging the weights.
Technique first, then worry about the weight. Every repetition should be slow, controlled, and with good form. Watch a video for each exercise you want (Muscle & Strength has a good archive) and pay careful attention to body positioning and how the exercise is executed. If you have access to a mirror, it helps to watch yourself that way. (Though I can totally understand if you’d rather not; I find mirrors painful and distracting.)
This means aiming pretty low for weight to begin with; it’s much harder to maintain good technique when you’re struggling with heavy weight, and if you’re a little shaky on technique to begin with it won’t do you any good. For the first few weeks, until you’re comfortable with technique, don’t worry about lifting to failure or trying to max out or even about feeling a real burn. Just concentrate on doing it right.
Once you’re okay with technique, then start ramping up your weights. It sometimes takes a little time to figure out just how much you should be lifting for a given exercise, how much you can do your sets with that will be challenging but do-able. Give it some time and test out different weights. Once you figure out where you should be, then it’s a pretty simple matter of just bumping up another level of weight once you can do all your sets without struggling.
Quick vocab:
Reps = repetitions. The number of times you do a given exercise in a set. My preference is 6-10 reps in a set, since I’m in the high weight/low reps camp.
Sets = the number of times you do your target number of reps. My preference is 3 or 4 sets per exercise in a given workout.
A note on the high weight/low reps versus low weight/high reps debate. Both technically have their place; it just depends on what you’re trying to do. High weight/low reps is primarily aiming for building muscle strength. Low weight/high reps seems to be where a lot of women gravitate, and often gets sold as “toning.” Rather, it builds muscle endurance. Women are apparently supposed to like that better because they don’t want to “bulk up” with muscle mass. It doesn’t tend to work that way, though. I lifted for strength for two years straight and was on the weightlifting team for my high school, and I never turned into a bulked-out monster (and this even though I tend to put on muscle mass unusually well for a woman); achieving that kind of look requires a hell of a lot more work than any of us is going to be able or likely even willing to put in.
But I would also like to say – what the hell is wrong with a woman having some big muscles anyway? We get sold on low weight/high reps for weight loss, I guess, but it’s better to build up muscle mass for that because it means you burn more calories resting. Muscular is sold as a manly thing, but it’s really a human thing. We all have muscles, even if some of us (like me) cunningly hide ours under layers of fat. Lift in a way that you think is fun, lift because it is fun, and let it be what it’ll be.
Strong is sexy. So is determination.
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fitness for fat nerds

A Return to Weightlifting

I used to lift a lot in high school, which is (funny story) how I ended up destroying my right hip and knee. And then later gave myself rotator cuff tendonitis, because I actually really love weightlifting and have a tendency to overtrain if I’m not careful.

That’s kind of why I’ve stayed away from it until now, but I’ve come to the conclusion that weight training is what’s missing from my fitness routine, so I’m going back to it. (And hey, I’ve missed doing it.)

I decided rather than trying to come up with my own routine (since I don’t trust myself for a lot of reasons) I’d look for one online. I found this three-day program for dumbbell-only lifting so I’m going to try that out. I’ve always preferred free weights (dumbbells and bars with plates) versus machines, plus I’ve got dumbbells at home and just needed a flat bench, so then I could work out at home. I have much better success with home workouts than going to a gym.

(Cat not included.)

The above setup cost me about $300. I ended up getting the stacked weights instead of individual dumbbells because they save space. This brand had reasonable reviews (I’ve heard a lot of bad stuff about the Bowflex variety) so we’ll see how they work out. I’d say if you don’t want to spend the money to buy things new, just scope Craigslist in a couple of months once the New Year’s resolutions start dropping like flies. (Also, if you’re in Colorado and come get them, I’m getting rid of my old dumbbell set, which goes from 5-12 lbs. Just light weights, sorry.)

So in honor of getting started for the new year, here are some basics for weightlifting:

Good technique is everything. The site I linked to has videos for each exercise, which is excellent. Proper technique in execution will (a) help build muscle better and (b) keep you from hurting yourself while you’re doing it. I cannot emphasize this enough.

Don’t overtrain. Don’t just randomly add extra exercises to your routine. Find a good one that works everything over a week and don’t hammer on one muscle group more than that. Are you listening, self?

Rest. Resting your muscles is as important as lifting. You need to give them time to heal before working them again or you’ll just hurt yourself. That’s why, for example, I’m only doing three days a week, with a day off between.

Go to the brink of failure. This means picking a high enough weight that you’ll have to work, and aim to feel like you can’t possibly lift it one more time at the end of your set. You don’t want to actually get to the point where you drop the weights, though, since you can really hurt yourself doing that.

By the way, cats apparently love weight benches. Trying to get the little bastards off of it so I can do bench press is a feat of strength all its own.

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fitness for fat nerds

So wait. You’re saying carbs AND protein?

Note, this post is going to involve talking about food, and my personal quest to get my weight under control. So proceed with caution if you have a problem with those topics.

While I’ve got my awesome health insurance, I decided to go in for a visit with the dietitian today. (Dietitians and nutritionists aren’t the same, by the way.) I’ve been kind of stuck on another weight plateau and the last couple of weeks I’ve been feeling unusually tired. Last night at kung fu I actually became light-headed and couldn’t focus, and that’s not normally a way I like to feel when kicking things.

So, here’s what I learned from the dietitian. It may or may not help you, because my situation is likely different from yours. Take with a grain of salt.
– First off, calorie tracker websites are lying to you when they tell you how many calories you’re burning with exercise. The one I use (Sparkpeople) was off by about 50%. So take that into account if you’re counting calories. If it’s throwing numbers over 1000 at you for an hour and a half of biking, for example, don’t trust it.
– Also, you don’t get to eat 2000 calories, subtract how much you think you’ve burned today, and then call that your calorie count. This is not a mistake I was making, but it’s apparently a common one and I thought I should mention it. 
– When you’re calorie counting, the most common mistake is not entering the right food, or not measuring the portion correctly. That’s the first thing to check if you hit a plateau like I have. 
– And sometimes those plateaus happen. The way around them seems to be just making sure you’re not cheating, and then cutting back a little bit (50-100) calories more. Then be patient and keep working at it, because it might also be that you’ve replaced some fat weight with muscle mass.
– You should not feel hungry all the time. If you’re constantly hungry, you’re doing it wrong.
– Everyone loses lean body mass when they’re losing weight, along with actual fat. The reason to take the slow and steady approach is to minimize that loss.
– Eat more snacks and smaller meals. I’m actually really bad at this one, because I really like eating big meals so I can have a giant hamburger, say. But it’s better to just have the snacks, and even eat them when you aren’t really hungry yet to keep yourself from getting unreasonably hungry. Also, make sure to eat something after working out, and potentially have a snack a bit before doing so if you’re planning to be going for several hours. (Heck, for long bike rides you need to take snack breaks in the middle too, just to keep the blood sugar from crashing.)
– Eat protein with your carbs. Protein with your carbs. Did I mention protein with your carbs? This is apparently one of the big mistakes I’ve been making, particularly with snacks… I tend to eat fruit or veggies, but don’t add in protein to actually make them stick, so to speak. So mix protein in with your carbs, even for snacks. 
– If you’re still having problems with the weight plateau, you can try doing a couple weeks of meal replacements. (As in, replace everything with things like muscle milk, healthy frozen dinners, protein bars, etc. Things where the portion is strictly controlled and you know exactly how many calories you’re getting.) This is a thing that sucks, isn’t something you want to do long term, and can be really expensive besides. But it can also help retrain you if you’ve been losing it on the portion size issue. I’m going to try to avoid this option. 
So that was the advice she gave me. She’s going to see if my doctor will be willing to order a blood test, since I’ve been feeling tired and light headed. She seemed kind of shocked by how little meat I tend to eat (only 2-3 times per week, generally), and thought it might be an issue of anemia. Which is very possible, since in the past I haven’t been allowed to donate blood because my hematocrit has been too low. So I may need to get on the multivitamin train again, or do iron supplements. It’s also possible that it’s a blood sugar issue, which will hopefully be fixed by me (all together now!) mixing protein with my carbs. 
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fitness for fat nerds

Fitness for Fat Nerds: Martial Arts Red Flags

Before I got into biking, my big fitness thing was kung fu. It’s actually what wore the cartilage out of my shoulder – don’t worry, that’s not a thing that normally happens. But now that I’ve had surgery and am at full recovery AND I’m back in Denver, I’ve returned to my kung fu school. I couldn’t be happier.

There’s a lot to be said for a class environment. If you’ve got a competitive personality like me, it’s a great way to stay motivated. Plus you get to kick things. What’s cooler than that?
…I kid. The kicking things is really secondary to the class culture and philosophy. 
The biggest problem with getting in to martial arts is that there are, frankly, a lot of horrifically bad schools out there that just want to suck money out of you. I was really lucky to find my school (Shao Lin Hung Mei Kung Fu) when I did. They’re a non-profit. That’s pretty unusual in the realm of martial arts schools, though.
These are what I consider to be the five major red flags:
  1. The money: Classes can be expensive, but there’s expensive and there’s “you’re out of your fucking mind.” I pay $45 per month for up to four lessons per week; that’s for a non-profit. When I was looking around for schools previously, there were some that were running $250-$300 per week, which is insane. Even if the lessons themselves seem reasonable, check to see what else your school might require you to buy. Are uniforms really expensive and required? Do you have to buy weapons? What fees do they charge for testing for advancement, and how often will you be expected to advance? 
  2. Is it a “belt factory?” That’s a term you’ll hear get tossed around pretty often as a way to dismiss really crappy, money-grubbing schools. It’s normally a bad sign if there are a zillion of different belt colors, and even worse if testing for them is on a set schedule – and you have to pay a lot of fees. You should not be guaranteed any kind of belt in any set amount of time. (eg: Black belt in six months!) Everyone learns at a very different pace. And this is the thing about belts. They’re nice. They’re an accomplishment, an outward sign of your advancing knowledge within the art. But they should not be the point of the school. If you feel like there’s a lot of emphasis being placed on belts and rankings, be wary.
  3. What’s the ancestry? A good teacher should know his lineage (as in, who taught his master, who taught his master’s master, etc) back at least three generations. 
  4. Are they teaching the kitchen sink? I’ve seen a lot of schools that advertise that they teach Judo and Jiujutsu and Karate and Kung Fu and Tai Chi. Yikes. Unless you’re specifically looking for something more mixed (and if you want MMA that’s a whole other thing I know nothing about) I’d recommend caution. It takes a long time and a lot of hard work to get good at even one style. Trust me, trying to go from some form of, say, kung fu to tai chi is not easy, and unless you have a good understanding of the first style before moving on to the second, you’re just going to end up learning a lot of stuff badly. 
  5. Are they using ‘kung fu’ as a catch-all? This is one that really drives me nuts since I’ve been learning a style of Shao Lin kung fu, but it’s not something most people will necessarily know. There are five major families of Shao Lin kung fu (Hung, Liu, Cai, Li, Mok) and each of those families has sub-groups within it. They’re all very, very different. If someone is advertising that they’re teaching Hung Mei or Hung Gar, that’s good. If it’s just generic “kung fu” that doesn’t mean they’re necessarily going to be bad, but it means you likely won’t be getting the more traditional art. So you need to decide if that’s important.
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fitness for fat nerds

Fitness for Fat Nerds: Snot, Spit, and Tears

Alternative title: The Gross Stuff

Fair warning. This post is going to contain some frank discussion of less than fabulous bodily functions. (So if you’d like to avoid me discussing farting, etc, just skip this post.) I know this can be rough on us grown-ups, and it’s even tougher for those of the female persuasion because the social norm is that girls aren’t supposed to have bodily functions.

Because everyone knows we’re not actually human.

I started off writing these Fitness for Fat Nerds posts because it was all stuff I wish someone had told me when I started exercising. Well, this falls under that category. I’m not going to claim that all these things or even some of them will happen to you, so don’t worry about that. But if they do, I want you to know it’s okay. It’s not because you’re going to die or because you’re a fat nerd daring to exercise. People have various biological fiddly bits, and we emit fluids and smells and other things we like to pretend don’t exist.

Hey, that’s life.

Sweat
This is obvious, and I hope by now you’ve realized that everyone who has exercised ever sweats. There is nothing wrong with it. But I wanted to throw this out there because women in particular get discouraged from ever looking like we’re anything but dry and sparkly and appropriately rose-scented, and it’s total bullshit. Your sweat is effort, my darlings. The sweatier you get, the harder it means you worked. And frankly, even the most awesome deoderant that has ever been invented is not going to be able to hold out against a truly excellent workout.

Everyone smells bad after they’ve worked up a sweat. That’s what showers were invented for. Revel in your sweat and workout stink. They’re badges of honor. And if anyone ever, ever gives you crap about it like those little assholes did to me in junior high, you tell them that Rachael says they can fuck all the way off.

The only downside of sweat, to be honest, is that it gets in your eyes. And if you’re a real sweat-monster like me, you can also inhale it up your nose. The former is awful and stings like hell, the latter just fells incredibly weird. This is why bandannas and sweatbands were invented. Don’t feel bad about using them.

Also if you do a lot of cycling, you will occasionally get sweat splashback from other riders. It’s a thing that happens, and not something to worry about. You’re not going to catch a disease off of it, sweat really isn’t that gross (it’s basically water and salt) and keep in mind, you’re probably splashing the people behind you. It’s a thing that happens.

Snot
Snot happens to me with distressing regularity. Mostly when it’s cold out, but I got hit with a bout of the runny nose today while I was riding my bike, and it was oh my god it’s hot degrees outside in Houston.

All you can really do about it is sniff, blow your nose if you have some kleenex around, or my favorite, do the classic and subtle nose wipe on the sleeve maneuver. This is not acceptable behavior in normal social situations, but you’re going to sweat through that shirt and chuck it in the wash as soon as you get home anyway. A little snot isn’t going to make a difference one way or the other.

Spit
I also spit a lot when I work out. I have a problem anyway with mucus at the back of my throat, so I’m well-practiced at it. You’ll notice spitting is a pretty common thing if you’re going any kind of distance. Breathing through your mouth a lot tends to dry things up and make your spit thick and clingy, the sort of thing that then makes it harder to breathe. It happens, even if you’re drinking plenty of water.

If you get a throat boogie or some nasty, thick spit? Don’t choke yourself trying to swallow it. Spit and keep going. Just aim properly away from other people. (And particularly if you’re riding, spit down, not out. It keeps your spit from hitting other riders in the peloton, which they appreciate, believe me.)

People seem to find it appalling in particular when women spit. Let them clutch their pearls; it’s not your problem unless you spat on them.

Tears
I’ve noticed my eyes, like my nose, tend to run when it’s cold. Also when I go really, really fast on a bike or have the wind in my eyes. I only mention it because it’s in the title of the post. Carry on.

Farts (and worse)
This was something I mostly noticed when I was running. I don’t know what it is about vigorously bouncing along the trail, but it can feel like you’ve taken everything in your intestinal track and compacted it downward. This can lead to some absolutely awe-inspiring farts.

This actually freaked me out enough the first few times it happened that I checked with a friend of mine who runs a hell of a lot more than I do. It’s a Thing That Happens. Really, it’s just polite to spare a moment of pity for anyone who is downwind of you. (And hope that you’re not about to run into someone else’s noxious cloud before it dissipates.)

It goes beyond that as well. I’ve had a friend or two, while trail running, that have had to take a furtive dive off into the bushes. I’ve managed to avoid that myself, but again, it’s a Thing That Happens. It doesn’t mean that you’re dying or ate something bad.

Barf
This is a thing that’s happened to me, due to both running and overexertion at kung fu. This is actually the only thing on this list that I’d count as bad and something you want to try to avoid, because it means you have pushed yourself way too hard. If you start feeling sick or dizzy, stop. Put your head between your knees.

Also, give yourself sufficient time between eating and exercising. That really helps the not-barfing efforts as well.

The Red Tide
This one is just for the biologically female fat nerds of a certain age range. And I actually don’t have a whole lot to say about it, since recently I’ve started just taking birth control pills continuously so I can avoid having a period altogether. (Seriously, birth control pills, where have you been all my life?)

I will say I always hated exercising while I had my period, because I’m not a fan of tampons, and a sweaty pad is a thing of horror. While sometimes exercising seemed to make my flow temporarily stop, other times it would just sort of back up and then fwoosh. The sort of fwoosh that happens at the worst possible moment.

So I suppose file those under the heading of, “things that have happened to another girl.” As far as I’ve known, ladynerds who don’t have my issues with tampons do just fine using those.

#

Those are the major gross things that I could think of off the top of my head. Did I miss one? Have a, “Is this normal?” question? Throw it in the comments.

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fitness for fat nerds rants things that are hard to write

Losing weight sucks

I’ve been meaning to write about this for a while, but I’ve been putting it off. It’s tough to write. Anything about weight and self-image and societal bullshit is kind of destined to be.

Over the last two years and three months, I’ve lost about 75 pounds, going from 270 to 195. I’m now back down to what I weighed as a sophomore in high school, before I started training as a powerlifter. The reason I decided to try to lose weight (and keep trying) is because there’s a lot of type II diabetes in my family, and I want to dodge that bullet.

I tell you this not as some kind of brag line, or because I’m looking for congratulations, but because I feel that it lends meaning to the point of this post. I lost 75 pounds. I generally feel healthier as a person. And I would never in a million years get on someone else’s back and tell them they are in some way obligated do what I’ve done.

Losing weight sucks. It sucks a lot. It can be utterly soul-destroying, and it’s self-inflicted.

There’s this narrative that all us fat nerds know. It says that we must be fat because we’re lazy. Because there is something fundamentally wrong with us. Because we’re greedy. Because we’re gross and lack the willpower to resist evil, sinful things like that piece of cake. It’s our fault, and we deserve to be summarily judged by perfect strangers simply because of how we look.

After 75 pounds, I hate that narrative more than ever. I hate that people assume I must be significantly more physically fit now than I was 40 pounds ago. I hate that outside of my immediate circle of friends and family, the news that I weigh less than I used to is greeted with far more enthusiastic congratulations than the fact that I’ve published stories in professional magazines. The latter normally gets a, “Hey, that’s cool.” The former receives the kind of approbation I’d expect if I’d just fucking cured cancer.

I hate that I can’t write about this without crying.

Losing weight sucks.

Anyone who tells you that losing weight is easy is lying to you. They’re trying to sell you something, or they’re trying to make you feel like shit because they’re an asshole.

Between cardio activity and weights, I’ve probably spent 15-20 hours per week on physical activities in the last two years. It’s like a part-time job. I write down everything I eat. Everything. And then I count the calories and wish I could have a beer, but not today.

I know I’m lucky. I have that kind of time I can invest into physical activity. I also know that my 15-20 hours a week is nothing compared to the time invested by people who are professionally good-looking. You know, the people we constantly get told we should look like, as if they are the true norm. There are a lot of people out there who literally do not have that kind of time; they have multiple jobs, they have kids, they have responsibilities that don’t let them go ride around on their bicycle for two hours a night. And there are also people who just would rather spend their time doing something else, and I sure can’t blame them for that. The only reason I’ve managed to keep doing it is because I like biking and kung fu.

I hate writing down everything I eat. I hate counting calories. I can’t blame anyone who doesn’t want to put themselves through that either. I don’t feel like I have a right to demand that my fellow human beings are miserable. I could probably lose weight faster, but I’m human, and there are days where I decide that if I get hit by a bus tomorrow, I don’t want to die regretting the fact that I didn’t try the red velvet cake. If anyone has a problem with that, they’re welcome to fuck themselves.

Losing weight sucks.

This is the part that sucks the most: it doesn’t magically make you love yourself. You still look in the mirror and hate the same things about yourself that you hated 20, 40, 70 pounds ago. Losing weight is a slow motion process of punctuated equilibrium. You don’t even realize anything has changed about your body until you look at old pictures. Maybe then you can feel like there’s been some kind of improvement (however you judge that) but then it’s back to the same you in the same mirror and the million things you wish were just different.

If I just lose some weight then I’ll… is one of the dumbest phrases ever spoken. It’s a lie, and an excuse. If you’re not brave enough to do something now, you won’t be when you weigh less.

Because there’s still all the shit in your head, years upon years of the world teaching you to hate yourself, and that’s harder to lose than every spare pound you have.