Category: for fun

Categories
for fun free read writing

[Fiction] Midnight Baking

It is 11:37 in the dark of night. The hour of yeasting. Sian’s sprawled across her brand new reclining sofa, only just bought from Sofa Mart by way of a downright predatory loan because she wanted to own leather furniture for once in her goddamn life and had already decided to be buried with it. Stainmaster, they told her. Tough enough to withstand a pack of great danes or half a day with a rambunctious toddler.

But they didn’t say jack shit about evil fairies. She’s just finished part one of a two-parter for Criminal Minds and is eating hummus directly from the plastic container with a spoon because after your fourth twelve hour shift in a row while holiday music does an endless loop and summons forth the devil in the automotive aisle at Target, going to the grocery store sounds about as appealing as doing lines of ground glass off the floor of a truck stop bathroom.

Sian knows she’s fucked the minute she sees the sparkly puffs of flour out of the corner of her eye, and catches the smells the sweet scent of baking bread mixing unappetizingly with the acrid stench of scorching leather. “Oh, come on.”

Continue reading “[Fiction] Midnight Baking”
Categories
for fun silly spam

Worse pies were et, indeed.

This is, without a doubt, the most brilliant piece of spam e-mail I have ever received. At least I’m assuming it’s spam. It’s from someone named Juan Barry (I don’t know anyone by that name) and is completely incoherent, in that special way you expect from spam. Yet there are no links, no attachments. Just beautiful, transcendent weirdness. Behold.

Subject: And Ive et worse pies
Juan Barry <xxxx@xxxxxxxx.com>
Apr 10 (1 day ago)
to katsu

And so did I, Nor church? Nor church.
So it was? I noticed it.

Is it pure gibberish? Is it poetry? Is it a subtle attack on the Catholic church or perhaps the tax exempt status of American churches? (Nor church? Nor church.) No church can provide you comfort from bad pie, that much is clear.

Is the pie a metaphor? Is society, in fact, the pie? Has it gone moldy on the inside, and poor Juan feels alone in having noticed this, surrounded by a consumerist culture that urges us to eat and ear, when it’s all ultimately rotten and cannot be saved? (Perhaps not even by divine intervention.) And yet the implication that it could be worse! That he’s noticed it could be even worse, this downward spiral of ever worsening pies. We started at Marie Calendars and have backslid, through Village Inn, then Perkins, then down to Denny’s and we’re about to burn our collective mouths on the hot, fake filling of something evil awakening at McDonald’s.

Nor church? Nor church, Juan. Only we can save ourselves.

You all say the cake is a lie. Well, Juan Barry and I understand that the pie is worse.

Categories
for fun Loki silly

In which Loki moves back to Denver, at last.

It was at last time for Loki to leave his temporary lair in Houston, Texas, to return to Denver. But not before a few loose ends were to be tied.
So we meet again, House of Pies.
Very funny, mortal. And by very funny, I mean you will choke on your own blood.
Bring forth your strongest warrior!
If that is the best you can do, truly you are defeated. 
Loki approved of the motif on his conveyance. 
At a gas station, an old friend made herself known. 
“Together, we shall take this realm by storm!”
After a hot dog break.
Extra long, indeed.
As is most appropriate, a snickers blizzard.
Hm. Oops.
Someone has mis-folded the map. How… evil.
After a day of traveling, time for a relaxing bath.
Very funny, Wendy.
In Oklahoma, we came across one of Loki’s favorite mortal restaurants.
But ended up elsewhere. Stupid unadventurous mortals. Not evil enough.
What’s Australian for kneel?
Like a slumber party. An evil slumber party.
Another old friend was found. 
Not funny. Not funny at all.
I find your offering of crayons to be inadequate, Chili’s!
He took a moment to make his mortal’s hat infinitely more pimp.
Wendy punch!
And at last, the triumphant return to big sky country.
And a well-earned Boulder veggie bowl. Even not-really-evil-just-misunderstood gods go through vegetable withdrawal eventually.
The end.
Categories
for fun Loki NERD texas

Loki’s Continuing Adventures in Houston: In Which There Is Pie

Another day, another hive of pitiful mortal activity to be subjugated.

Everything is, indeed, bigger in Texas. Loki is forced to wonder for what the mortals are compensating.
Loki demands that he be brought the fiercest champion of the House of Pies.

“All of your precious strawberry jam is mine, mortals! AHAHAHAHA!”

More strawberry jam, or perhaps the blood of his wounded foe? You are defeated, Monte Cristo – COUNT on it.

Loki first takes a moment to simply roll in the bounty of pies offered unto him by the trembling waitress. He expects no less.

The Monte Cristo did not prove a worthy foe. He demands a new champion, the so-called ‘house specialty’ of this temple of pies.

A mighty battle ensues.

“Admit your defeat, cursed Bayou Goo!”

The noble pie’s stillness is answer enough. Loki takes a moment to savor his victory before succumbing to a food coma.

Next time, House of Pies. Next time.

Categories
for fun Loki NERD texas trip report

In which Loki moves to Houston (with Rachael): a tale told (mostly) in pictures

Loki, for reasons entirely his own but no doubt both devilish and nefarious, decided to move to Houston on the backs of his two hapless mortal minions, Mike and Rachael.

They departed Denver bright an early on Sunday morning.

The scenery quickly became less interesting.

And then Kansas.

Which both claimed I-70 was its main street (Loki scoffed) and had more than its fair share of road construction. “Tiresome,” Loki commented.

As prairie dogs were so numerous as to warrant their own towns, and apparently came in varieties that grew up to 50 feet tall, Loki considered their merits as a secondary army.

Even gods require food.

Perhaps the most curious variant of corn available in Kansas.
The proximity to a gas pump let Loki feel even more evil and powerful, though he wasn’t quite certain why.
“Kneel before me, mortals of Oklahoma,” was Loki’s only comment. Being that there were no people in sight, but quite a few cows, and all the cows were in various states of prostration, he found that acceptable for the time being.
Though even he grew weary after a time.
Loki noted a distinct lack of both the wind sweeping down the plains, or the waving wheat smelling at all sweet.
Camp was made and Mythbusters was watched.
On the morrow, Loki kept close watch on the mortal hotel clerk.
Oklahoma’s finest were suitably intimidated by his presence.
The God of Mischief may be temporarily appeased by a cherry limeade. But only temporarily.

“We shall see who is truly alarmed, pitiful mortal device!”
At last, the apartment was reached, and Loki’s minions set to carrying his many belongings inside and arranging them to his satisfaction.
While for his part, Loki defeated a sandwich in a most epic battle of wits and strength.
And rewarded himself with a sugary confection after.
“I shall have my internet, mortal cable technician, or I shall know the reason why!”
At last, things temporarily arranged to his satisfaction, Loki rested. 
Goodnight, Loki.
Categories
for fun science fair skepticism

Enough With the Zombie Hamburgers

A while ago, there was a rash of postings all over the internets about the sinister Happy Meal That Would Not Die or the utterly disturbing McDonald’s hamburger that had been preserved since, I don’t know, the last ice age or something. The conclusion of the woman with the ancient hamburger is:

Ladies, Gentleman, and children alike – this is a chemical food. There is absolutely no nutrition here.

Note: everything is made of chemicals. Everything.

This even got a mention on Skeptic’s Guide to the Universe (#274), with many a good hypothesis as to why a hamburger might act this way. It was something that definitely could be tested scientifically, and no one had bothered.

Until now.

Every day, I monitored the progress of the burgers, weighing each one, and carefully checking for spots of mold growth or other indications of decay. The burgers were left in the open air, but handled only with clean kitchen tools or through clean plastic bags (no direct contact with my hands until the last day).

This is why I love, love, love reading Serious Eats. Some of the contributors are made of 100% pure WIN.

Read the post, but the punchline is that the author made his own (“all-natural”) hamburger the same size as the McDonald’s one and set them head to head. They both dehydrated nicely and turned into hamburger jerky. This comes as no surprise to anyone who doesn’t ascribe to the idea that McDonald’s is trying to destroy the world by feeding everyone food made out of plastic. Or whatever.

Of course, it’s a small sample size and yadda yadda. We must need some replication! It sounds like an awesome way to flavor the air of your house with the stench of old hamburger. This would, I think, make an EXCELLENT science fair experiment for a kid with extremely tolerant parents.

Good on you, J. Kenji Lopez-Alt. Good on you, Serious Eats. You get a skeptic gold star today.

Categories
for fun

Why you’re not going to get laid, mathematically

From io9: Mathematician Uses SETI Formula To Determine He Has A 0.00034% Chance Of Getting Laid

I actually found the paper highly amusing; to me it sounded like a joke that a dorky guy was having at his own expense. But I also find math jokes very funny.

Also funny, from io9’s commentary on it:

This aspiring economics researcher has made one of the most basic mistakes men make – especially men who are science fiction writers or scientists. He’s confused women with extraterrestrials.

There’s enough arguing to be done about the Drake Equation to begin with, but I think it’s a fair point to make that it’s even iffier if you’re taking it out of its context and trying to apply it to your dating life. That said, it’s still pretty amusing.

Categories
for fun

An astronomy quiz for you!

Beautiful Universe Astronomy Quiz.

I got 18/20. I blame those two missed points on the fact that I’m a geologist.

Categories
for fun

Know your internet laws.

There will be a quiz.

Internet rules and laws: the top 10, from Godwin to Poe

Poe’s Law is a beloved old friend of mine, as is Godwin’s Law. Double points if you can mix the two. Funny enough, when I run in to Poe’s Law material, I automatically assume that anything that ridiculous must be parody until proven otherwise. This may not be the best position to take, since it means I tend to think people are more sane and have better senses of humor than is actually true. And this has led to some truly jaw-dropping moments of “BZUH?”

Also, I’d been unaware of Danth’s Law until now, but the example used to illustrate it (Lansky pwning Schlafly) still never fails to make me chortle with glee.