Category: marriage

I’ve been married for a little less than a month now, and one thing to note is that I haven’t changed my last name. I very much doubt that I will in the future, unless given a very compelling reason.

The name change issue came up fairly early in our engagement. One day, Mike said to me that I was going to be “Mrs. His-last-name.” It sounded very strange to my ears, and I reacted a bit strongly to it – though I immediately apologized for that. But the bug was in my ear, so to speak. Part of why I reacted the way I did was the simple assumption that I would be changing my name. I don’t think this reflects negatively on Mike, necessarily; almost everyone had assumed that I would. It’s a societal expectation that tends to go along with marriage. But it’s one I think needs to change.

I understand that marriage is about becoming a family unit, so to speak, and that having the same last name is part of that. But I dislike the very patriarchal assumption that it’s the man’s last name that ought to reign supreme; it really seems to hearken back to a time when a woman would pass directly from the control of one man (her father) to another (her husband) and that a certain “ownership” was indicated by her last name. While that isn’t necessarily the case any more¹, I think that historical baggage still exists.

Even in modern day, when it’s not so much an issue of ownership, I still consider the name change to be rather unfair. Changing your legal name isn’t a simple process, and comes with a variety of annoyances. The fact that it’s normally expected that a woman will jump through the many hoops – and only the woman will do it – without complaint rubs me the wrong way.

There is also the fact that I really like my last name. It’s a very uncommon one – I have yet to meet someone who has my last name that isn’t related to me. It’s also at the very beginning of the alphabet, and I admit that I really enjoy being able to tell anyone with an alphabetical list, “I’ll probably be first or second.” And simply, it’s been my name for my entire life – almost thirty years at this point. It’s part of who I am, and for the most part I like who that happens to be. At the time, I didn’t think that marriage would fundamentally change either my identity or my relationship with Mike.

I explained all of this to Mike, and he understood where I was coming from. We considered several options, such as hyphenating (which created something that sounded very silly to both of us); I also suggested that we could both change our last names to something entirely new to keep it fair. Mike didn’t particularly like that idea either, which I think helped drive home to him why I was balking at the whole process. I tried to keep the discussion open, however, since I didn’t know how important it was to him². A couple of months before the wedding we were walking home from the bus station and as a random change of conversational topic he said, “I think you should keep your name. You can always change it later if you need to.” And that was that.

A month in to it, I’m going to say I was right; I’m still the same person³ and our relationship is the same loving partnership it’s been for the last five years of living in sin. I’ve had a few people assume that I’ve changed my name already; I don’t let it bother me, since I understand that it’s still the societal norm. If I get the opportunity to correct them gracefully, I do.

This is not some sort of judgment on the majority of married women out there (including my mother and my best friend) who have changed their last name. I think it’s a personal choice, and it’s up to what you want, what you feel comfortable with, and what meaning it has to you. To me, it’s something of a feminist statement, but one of the things people tend to forget about feminism is that it’s about choice – in a broader sense than just abortion rights. It’s about making sure women have choices, and that they can execute those choices in whatever way is best for them, regardless of whether you would make the same decision. I made my choice for my reasons, like everyone else. I feel lucky that I live in a time where it was my choice to make.

1 – The chillingly creepy “purity” movement aside.
2 – Another lesson I’ve learned is that it’s all about compromise when something is really important to your partner. This is why, for example, I wore a poofy white dress at the wedding and not a scarlet pirate frock coat.
3 – Probably to Mike’s relief, since I imagine it would be a little disturbing if the woman he loved spontaneously changed in to someone else just because she had a ring on her finger.

There are honestly times I’ve been made to feel very uncomfortable about the fact that I’m going to be married in May. The biggest cause is the giant douchebags that defend their bigoted and outdated beliefs by claiming that they’re somehow “defending” marriage. I don’t think this particular journey Mike and I are planning to embark upon requires defending, thanks. And the more the secular institution that I’m interested in gets wrapped in pages from the Bible, the less welcome I feel, to be sure. I find few things more insulting than the idea that our love and our relationship should receive some sort of privileged status because I’ve got an innie and Mike’s got an outie.

Needless to say, I’m very interested in the case against California’s Proposition 8, which is currently being tried in Federal court. I think it’s incredibly important that it’s being made in to a Federal issue, and that it will no doubt end up in front of the Supreme Court. I’m both incredibly hopeful and incredibly worried.

If you’re similarly interested, there are several good places to keep a close eye on the trial:
Prop 8 Trial Tracker
LGBT POV
Pam’s House Blend

So far, so good, but it’s only the third day.

Melissa Harris-Lacewell reflects on marriage.

I really respect MHL, and this article made me respect her even more. I was strongly on the side of marriage equality before I was ever in a committed relationship. I canvassed for Referendum i in Colorado, and was incredibly upset when it failed and the gay marriage ban amendment passed.

This issue’s taken on a new light for me since I’ve gotten engaged, though. For the most part, I’m happy, and I feel like one of the commenters on the article as well – after more than four years of cohabitation, I honestly feel like we’re married already. A party and a fancy cake are more just a celebration of that commitment, at least in my opinion. But since I’ve been engaged, there are two aspects that are still bothering me about the process.

The first is the last name change issue. That’s a discussion for another time.

But the other is the issue of marriage equality. My fiance and I have the right to make of this marriage what we will, and we’ve got the legal support for it because we’re heterosexual. I have some very dear, close friends who are not in the same boat as us, and have been in a committed relationship far longer without the ability to get the same legal support. It bothers me that I get a privilege they don’t, and all because I like sleeping with boys instead of girls. A lot of the arguments “defending” marriage have made me even more uncomfortable about it, because of all the religious and sexist baggage that comes with the institution. (And let me tell you, as an atheist, I am utterly charmed by people who hammer marriage as a religious institution – guess I shouldn’t be getting married at all.)

This was why MHL’s point at the end really hit me. People seem to want marriage to not change. Frankly, I hope it does. It’s already different from how it was in the 50s. It’s still not common, but most people don’t have to do a double take any more if a woman hyphenates her last name or decides not to change it at all. While many people bemoan the divorce rate, I take it as a good sign that people have the ability to end relationships that go bad. So I hope that as we fight for marriage equality, it will change the institution as it is. I want to see marriage become a place where no one looks sideways at guys that want to be stay at home dads, or (perish the thought) men who decide to take their wife’s last name rather than the other way around. I want people to finally get the difference between civil marriage and church marriage and stop asking horribly insulting questions like “Why do atheists get married?” (Answers: love, family, and health insurance. Oh, and you’re an asshole.)

Sometimes, I feel like I should refuse to participate in this institution as long as my friends are denied it. Because it does feel horrible being able to get married and knowing that I have friends who can’t because the country’s apparently still run by a bunch of neanderthals that can’t understand reasons more complicated than “making babies.” But in a way, reading MHL’s article has made me feel a little differently. No, my one little wedding isn’t going to change marriage the way so many national changes have. But maybe I can be on more little snowflake to help get the avalanche rumbling.