Category: texas

In which my housemate saves my life

Post author By Alex
Post date May 24, 2014
6 Comments on In which my housemate saves my life

So no shit, there I was.

Which is to say, I was in my bedroom, because I needed to take a shower and wash the gel out of my hair. I turned on the light, and there was a thing on the wall above my fucking bed. A big, brown thing. It had approximately five million legs ~~and a switchblade~~. It was a cockroach. A fucking cockroach. And not just a little one. One of the Texas-sized ones. You know, these.

I need you to understand something. I grew up in Colorado. Until forced to move to Texas, I literally had only seen one cockroach “in the wild” in my entire life. And that was an incredibly well-fed german cockroach in a super sketchy Chinese buffet. I am not psychologically prepared to handle this shit.

Which explains the next thing I did, namely scream, “KATHY, I NEED YOU RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW. KATHY. KATHY. COME HERE.”

My housemate, bless her forever, hurtled into my room. Yes, that sure was a massive cockroach that was SCURRYING DOWN MY WALL AND AAAAA

There was an undignified scramble to grab the vacuum cleaner, because that’s apparently an amazing way to kill giant cockroaches. Then we had to figure out how to get the long tool attached. Then THE COCKROACH WAS ON THE FLOOR OH MY GOD and Kathy tried to suck it up with the vacuum but it ran under the file cabinet.

Suddenly I was like that guy in the action movie. You know, the guy who gets sent to open the door that the evil alien monster is drooling behind by a jerk of the chin from the guy who has the BFG? I HAVE SEEN THESE MOVIES. I KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO THAT GUY OKAY. Carefully I turned the little file cabinet over. Nothing. “Open the drawer,” Kathy ordered. I righted the cabinet and, very carefully, opened the drawer. THESE MOTHERFUCKERS CAN FLY OKAY.

The cockroach ran across the files in the drawer. I totally didn’t scream.

(She totally screamed.)

Kathy thrust the vacuum cleaner attachment into my hand and I tried to get the roach as she ran out of the room and LEFT ME ALONE OH GOD WHY. But the roach was wily, and strong, and it called me a bitch and spat at my feet as it ran out across the carpet, murder glinting in its evil little eyes. I got it a good one with the attachment, but then THE ROACH JUST RAN RIGHT BACK OUT OF THE FUCKING HOSE OKAY THIS ROACH WAS WEARING DEPLETED URANIUM ARMOR OR SOMETHING.

As my life flashed before my eyes Kathy charged back into the room, shoe in one hand, can of Pledge in the other. With a mighty battle cry of “LEMONY FRESH, MOTHERFUCKER!” she sprayed the roach with furniture polish. It slowed the ravening beast and then, at great risk to her own life, she beat it to death with her shoe.

And that is the story of how my housemate saved my life tonight.

(The cockroach was subsequently buried at sea.)

Tags cockroaches, my amazing life, my brush with six-legged death, what is my life even

colorado politics texas

Reason number five million why I miss Colorado (special voting edition)

Post author By Alex
Post date November 5, 2013
7 Comments on Reason number five million why I miss Colorado (special voting edition)

In Colorado I was on the permanent mail-in ballot list. Several weeks before election day, I would receive my ballot in the mail without having to do anything special for it, then peruse it at my leisure and mail it back, no muss, no fuss.

Technically, they have mail-in ballots in Texas. But only if you are disabled or elderly, basically. I am thankful to not currently be either of those.

In Colorado, the other annual pre-voting day ritual I enjoyed was receiving the state blue book. This lovely pamphlet translates all the proposed amendments into plain English, provides a dry for and against argument for each, and also estimates fiscal impacts. It also told you if judges were recommended for retention. I loved that little blue book and its cheap newsprint paper.

As far as I can tell, Texas doesn’t have those either. I had no idea how spoiled I was, growing up in Colorado.

Of course, I’m still lucky and spoiled here in Texas, to the extent that (supposedly) I’m not going to have any problems with the new voter ID law. I have multiple forms of approved IDs and I didn’t change my name when I got married (not that I did that in Texas anyway). But a lot of people aren’t nearly so lucky as me. It just makes me furious whenever anyone makes it harder to vote.

Anyway, I’ll attempt to find the actual physical voting place either during lunch or after work. I hope it’s right, since I looked it up in the Harris county website. You’re supposed to get the info from http://votetexas.gov but that site has been timing out all morning so…yay?

Enjoy your little blue books and your mail-in ballots, Colorado. Throw the pages of non-partisan explanations of legalese up in the air and laugh mockingly as they flutter down around you. You have no idea how good you’ve got it.

(I am well aware there are many places in the rest of the world where people are literally dying to only be as inconvenienced as I will be today. I wish they had our problems in place of their own, I truly do.)

Tags colorado, elections, politics, texas, voting

abortion feminism politics texas texas scares me

Big Damn Hero

Post author By Alex
Post date June 26, 2013
1 Comment on Big Damn Hero

I was up past midnight last night, glued to a livestream. I haven’t done that since we landed on Mars. I wish this one had been such a happy occasion. I was, of course, watching the livestream of Texas state Senator Wendy Davis filibustering the horrifying anti-abortion bill that the legislature was trying to pass in an emergency session. Apparently the Texas legislature is allowed to have abortion emergencies but women aren’t. Nice to know.

I think I probably would have been watching anyway, but this is particularly important to me now that I live in Texas. And amusingly enough, at least for now I can literally claim I didn’t vote for any of these people. (Though god, I wish I could vote for Wendy Davis. I’m not in her district, though.)

Filibusters are apparently serious business in Texas. You’re not allowed to speak off topic, sit, lean, have a bathroom break, eat, or drink. This is one place where I can wish the Federal government was a bit more like Texas, because I bet if those were the filibuster rules the Republicans would stop being such dickbags about every damn piece of legislation. Anyway, I can only imagine Senator Davis must have carb loaded on Monday to manage this one today, because she was going strong up until the end. Appeals for testimony for her to tell went out repeatedly on Twitter, so she’d have something on-topic to speak about.

I sent her an e-mail during dinner. I don’t have my own abortion story and I don’t feel like I have a right to tell the stories of my friends. But I did catch an impressive case of baby rabies this weekend because my three-month-old niece Aya is SO RIDICULOUSLY CUTE. And the moment after I contemplated, “gosh I kind of want one” I immediately followed the thought with “no way in hell am I being pregnant in Texas.” So that’s what I told her – bills like this make me actively afraid to be a woman in Texas, where pregnancy transforms you into a second-class citizen no longer in control of your own decisions and life.

I have no idea if that ended up being useful, but I tried.

Anyway, she was still going strong at midnight, when the filibuster ended, supposedly with the Senate session. And then – I cannot fucking believe this – the State Senate voted anyway. And then tried to claim they had voted two minutes before midnight instead of two minutes after. Twitter ERUPTED.

Who knew, apparently Republicans think they’re Timelords. The time on the voting record was changed on the website. I went to bed at 12:30 with Twitter still exploding with rage and couldn’t sleep because I was so incredibly angry. They won’t get away with this was the consensus on Twitter, and apparently from the angry crowd filling the state capital. Everyone was watching.

Well, they didn’t get away with it.

I had an e-mail from Wendy Davis sitting in my in-box this morning when I got up:

I have amazing news!

Just moments ago, Lt. Governor David Dewhurst announced to the Senate that SB5 is officially dead! Evidently, Governor Perry and the legislative leadership can hear our voices.

This amazing feat is because of you. I wanted to share this wonderful news as soon as I could.

Thank you so much for all of your encouragement, support, hard work, and most of all dedication and determination.

It is a great night for women and families in Texas and our allies across the country.

Your friend and, proudly, your State Senator,

Wendy

This woman is a hero.

A Big Damn Hero.

Let’s make sure she wants for nothing. I just wish we could send this woman to the Supreme Court and have her work some magic there. The victory in Texas was amazing, but let’s not forget Tuesday was also the day the Supreme Court took a shit on the voting rights act. Unfortunately the vociferous protests of Justice Ginsburg (the resident badass of the Supreme Court in my opinion) didn’t have the same kind of power as the words of Wendy Davis did in the Texas State Senate; that’s not how the Court works.

Anyway, back in Texas, apparently the Republicans are already planning part two; per BBC news, the Lieutenant Governor “hinted that the vote could be held again at a second special session.” The abortion emergencies. They never end. (You know, if they have any time after they do some voting rights work.) But we’ll be watching, even more of us now that we know what they’re up to. And I have faith that Wendy Davis or another Big Damn Hero will step up.

Tags abortion, politics, texas

bugs texas texas scares me

Roly poly interlopers

Just today, I’ve removed three pillbugs from my apartment. I have no idea where they’re coming from, but they really like to hang around my kitchen. Maybe they’re hoping for a cup of tea. Or a beer, it’s pretty hot out even in the morning.

Pillbugs are the least offensive arthropods I’ve encountered since moving to Texas. There’s the giant cockroaches that everyone tries to pretend are okay by calling them palmetto bugs, but let’s not kid ourselves. There’s the tactical mosquitos. There’s the thing in my bathroom that I crushed with a wad of toilet paper this morning that we will not speak of further. There was the other thing that I encountered in my shower, which I mercifully can only remember as a mahogany-colored blob (I wasn’t wearing my glasses at the time) that I beat into a disturbingly large smear with a shampoo bottle.

I’ve got fond memories of pillbugs from growing up. What kid hasn’t had fun poking these little guys and watching them curl up into little grey-black, segmented pills?

Pillbugs are crustaceans (so they have blue blood), they breathe through gills (but spend all their life on land), and they’re exceedingly cute. They also tickle if you let them walk across your skin, kind of like millipedes. They also eat their own poop (to recover excreted copper), but thankfully have not done so in my presence.

Apparently the ones in Texas are mostlyArmadillium vulgare, which I’m pretty sure are the same ones we have in Colorado. I think it’s pretty neat that their family name is Armidillidiidae, which I’m guessing was named for armadillos, since those can also curl up into a ball. Though unlike pillbugs, armadillos aren’t nearly as cute and can apparently seriously fuck up your car if you run over one. Armadillium vulgare is apparently actually a European pillbug, so it’s a transplant.

Oh yeah. And they’re in order Isopoda. Which means they’re related to these guys, which I think is another argument for returning pillbugs safely to the wild habitat of the courtyard garden outside my window. Because I don’t want one of their big brothers showing up while I’m in the shower and chittering at me in a menacing fashion to indicate its displeasure that I stepped on second cousin three times removed Rita.

Though of course, there’s also the parasitic tongue-eating isopod that makes me glad I’m not a fish and oh god I wish I could unsee that.

Suddenly pillbugs seem… less cute.

Tags bugs, texas, texas scares me

for fun Loki NERD texas

Loki’s Continuing Adventures in Houston: In Which There Is Pie

Post author By Alex
Post date June 11, 2012
No Comments on Loki’s Continuing Adventures in Houston: In Which There Is Pie

Another day, another hive of pitiful mortal activity to be subjugated.

Everything is, indeed, bigger in Texas. Loki is forced to wonder for what the mortals are compensating.

Loki demands that he be brought the fiercest champion of the House of Pies.

“All of your precious strawberry jam is mine, mortals! AHAHAHAHA!”

More strawberry jam, or perhaps the blood of his wounded foe? You are defeated, Monte Cristo – COUNT on it.

Loki first takes a moment to simply roll in the bounty of pies offered unto him by the trembling waitress. He expects no less.

The Monte Cristo did not prove a worthy foe. He demands a new champion, the so-called ‘house specialty’ of this temple of pies.

A mighty battle ensues.

“Admit your defeat, cursed Bayou Goo!”

The noble pie’s stillness is answer enough. Loki takes a moment to savor his victory before succumbing to a food coma.

Next time, House of Pies. Next time.

Tags for fun, Loki, NERD, texas

for fun Loki NERD texas trip report

In which Loki moves to Houston (with Rachael): a tale told (mostly) in pictures

Post author By Alex
Post date May 23, 2012
No Comments on In which Loki moves to Houston (with Rachael): a tale told (mostly) in pictures

Loki, for reasons entirely his own but no doubt both devilish and nefarious, decided to move to Houston on the backs of his two hapless mortal minions, Mike and Rachael.

They departed Denver bright an early on Sunday morning.

The scenery quickly became less interesting.

And then Kansas.

Which both claimed I-70 was its main street (Loki scoffed) and had more than its fair share of road construction. “Tiresome,” Loki commented.

As prairie dogs were so numerous as to warrant their own towns, and apparently came in varieties that grew up to 50 feet tall, Loki considered their merits as a secondary army.

Even gods require food.

Perhaps the most curious variant of corn available in Kansas.

The proximity to a gas pump let Loki feel even more evil and powerful, though he wasn’t quite certain why.

“Kneel before me, mortals of Oklahoma,” was Loki’s only comment. Being that there were no people in sight, but quite a few cows, and all the cows were in various states of prostration, he found that acceptable for the time being.