So the TV is on and my friencd just turned it to Syfy and Snowmageddon. I think the movie is already in progress. I don’t think it matters. A giant snowball just blew up a school bus and decapitated Santa.
LIVEBLOGGING COMMENCES.
(If only we’d started drinking. Damnit.)
1358: Commercials. A tiny woman is watching a movie on an iPhone. Bowls of fruits are covered by CGI mold.
1400: Back to the movie. Everyone keeps looking up at a mountain that’s shrouded with clouds. I think this must be their displeased god who is chucking giant snowballs with them. Aha. They are in Alaska, I think? The man just said something into the radio about Alaska. The man in flannel is also Park Ranger. You know this because his building says Park Ranger.
1402: Okay so if this actually does take place in Alaska, why is everything green at Christmas time? I thought that was when it was endless night and snow vampires ride moose through the streets.
1402: Norm’s hurt really bad. Apparently. In a green bus festooned with greenery. It has a live power line on it. Which means no one can get in, but somehow Norm and his friend can lean against the metal sides of the bus inside. Because SCIENCE.
1403: Just like that, it’s over. No, blonde girl. It has ONLY JUST BEGUN. We don’t care about your family drama. Give me more snowy death.
1403: The little boy is a fantasy nerd who plays games. CHARACTERIZATION.
1404: Are they implying that the mountain is a volcano? I mean, the ominous look at the fake volcano on the game board seems to imply that. But that mountain sure doesn’t look like a stratovolcano.
1405: What have we got? A helicopter crash, apparently. Two blonde ladies struggle against the elements. Everyone has mouth blood and a head wound because those are probably the easiest injury makeups to apply.
1407: If you don’t touch the bus and the ground at the same time, you can jump free! WHAT?
1408: Two women battle desperately against a seatbelt. Okay then. But hey, you’ve got a snazzy quilt now! AND NOW THE WRECKAGE IS ON FIRE.
1417: We are still trying to figure out where the fuck these people are located geographically. Disaster on the mountain, blah blah. Sad people with head wounds in snow. There’s a guy that’s showed up with a snow cat after maybe ten minutes, so apparently the super snow mountain is like RIGHT NEXT DOOR to the green valley where you only need a little flannel jacket and geography, how the fuck does it work.
1418: Someone is going to attempt to fix the power situation with a pair of wire cutters. Nothing could possibly go wrong.
1419: Oh, we have improved from wire cutters to a sledgehammer. BEST ELECTRICIAN. He whacks the power thing with the sledgehammer. SPARKS!
1421: DOOMY DOOM DOOM SCARY CLOSE UP OF GAME BOARD AND NOW THERE IS AN AVALANCHE
1421: hahaha the guys is driving the snowcat away from the avalanche. Oh thank fucking god the avalanche overtook them or I’d be pissed, it’s like driving a car away from a fucking pyroclastic cloud.
1422: AND NOW THE BUS IS ON FIRE BECAUSE OF COURSE IT IS. This is how this movie rolls. The situation is bad. Things happen. AND THEN IT IS ON FIRE.
1423: The bus has now exploded. I repeat. The bus has now exploded. Farewell, Norm. Norm’s scruffy friend appears to have been thrown free of the conflagration.
1430: You have been buried by an avalanche. You are not going to be able to just drive the snowcat out. Even if you alternate between forward and reverse.
1430: MORE OMINOUS BOARD GAME SHOTS IN THE RUSTIC CABIN OF DOOMY DOOM. Rudy, the nerd leaves a note saying he ruined everything, it’s all his fault. Sure. Why not. Maybe he wrote the script for this film.
1432: No one is coming to help the mysterious town. It’s like they dropped off the map. THAT’S BECAUSE NO ONE KNOWS WHERE THE FUCK YOU EVEN ARE, NOT EVEN THE WRITERS.
1436: The people who were on the giant mountain with the avalanche are, five minutes later, down in the valley that appears to be somewhere in the pacific northwest, maybe. There is no sense of distance or time in this thing. At all.
1442: Wandering around, looking for Rudy. Now it’s the people off the mountain looking for him.
1444: MAGIC SNOW GLOBE OF EVIL EVILNESS. SHAKE IT UP YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.
1445: “You think this snow globe is cursed, or maybe the globe cursed the town.” Lines that only an actor could deliver straight-faced.
1456: And now a town meeting about the snow globe.
1458: ASK NOW FOR WHOM THE SNOW GLOBE TOLLS. Something is happening. Yes, did you hear the bass rumble of the soundtrack? HAHAHAHA WOODEN SPIKES ARE SHOOTING OUT OF THE GROUND. This is kind of amazing actually.
1459: Derrick is on the ground and bleeding. I would find this a more believable and awesome death if he was actually spitted on one of the spikes.
1500: Oh back to Rudy’s game. It’s based on Hephaestus and Pandora! Pandora’s box contained a snow globe apparently! Yeah! And now it needs to be tossed into the volcano but… where is there a fucking volcano.
1504: THE SHITTY CAR GOT SPIKED AHAHAHAHAHA okay apparently my liveblog has to end because I need to take a shower and we are going to Chuy’s. And Chuy’s? Chuy’s >>>>> shitty movie. But it’s been fun. I got to end on a hilarious note.