Tag: bad movies

Categories
charity suffering for charity

Give money to charity, make Rachael suffer through Transformers 4!

All right. You bastards tried to take me down four months ago, and I came up swinging. But I sense a new challenger on the horizon. Something far stronger than the combined might of iffy geology and Kiefer Sutherland in a toga twirling his non-existent mustache. Something that involves a lot of T&A and even more CGI. Something that may just redistribute my posterior through the power of sheer, unapologetic badness1. That’s right, I’m talking about this:


By the glistening biceps of Mark Wahlberg! What has humanity wrought?

So this is the deal, guys. I’m going to make you work for it this time. Considering the neuron-bending things that Transformers 3 did to me (literally, I watched it and now cannot remember what happened, like the movie slipped me roofies or something and we are just not going to contemplate that further) I’m not going down without a fight. It’s the fourth movie in this series, so I think $400 sounds like a fair goal. You have 22 days to make it happen.

And make no mistake. If you don’t donate sufficient money to charity, I will not be seeing this one anyway. Not even when it’s on Netflix. (Though I’ll admit right now that since Steve Jablonsky wrote the score for this one too, I’ll be buying that.) The only way you’re going to be able to treat your ears to my shrieks of indignant outrage is if you donate, donate, donate!

Same rules apply as always: donate to one of the charities listed below, tell me via some sort of social media that you did so (we operate on the honor system here), and I will tally up the moneys on this here blog page, right before your eyes. What’s on offer if you raise:

  • $400: I will see the stupid movie within a week of it coming out and write you a rant similar to what I did for Pompeii. (I’ll be at SoonerCon, so I can’t guarantee opening weekend.)
  • $500: I will go to the midnight showing of this cinematic CGI turd on June 27 and be a gibbering, mind-melted zombie at the office on Friday as a lesson to all my coworkers that this is what happens when you watch a Michael Bay film, and you should really make better life choices.
  • $700: And I will go see it on opening night, IN 3D. I fucking hate 3D.

Sound good? Charities for this round of suffering:

BRING IT.

AND WE’RE OFF. CURRENT TOTAL: $400/500

DAMN YOU SADISTIC BASTARDS: [No really, thank you!!!]

  • Keeley: $50
  • Anonymous: $300 (OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!)
  • @bogo_lode: $50

 

 

 

1 – Yeah, that’s right. I just made a really bad statistics joke. WHATCHA GONNA DO ABOUT IT?

Categories
charity suffering for charity

Give money to charity, make Rachael suffer.

So, I keep seeing trailers for this:

And it makes me:

wpid-IMG_20140210_225202_787.jpg
Seriously fuck this movie and the pyroclastic flow outrunning horse it rode in on.

 

So here is your golden opportunity to do good in the world AND make Rachael suffer horribly.

PROGRESS TOWARD EARLIER ULTIMATE SUFFERING: $120/200

PROGRESS TOWARD ULTIMATE SUFFERING: $100/100 STAGE COMPLETE I’M SEEING THE STINKIN’ MOVIE

IF you all collectively donate at least $100 across the following charities by February 21, I will go watch Pompeii on Monday, February 24. (I’m pushing it back to Monday because I’ll be at ConDFW all that weekend.) And I will write a bitchy–ass review about it and post it here.

Charities for this round of suffering:

This one is honor system; just go directly to the charity and donate, then come back and leave me a comment, send me a tweet, etc to let me know how much you donated. I’ll do a running tally.

But what’s a fundraiser without some stretch goals?

If you all raise $200, I will go see it opening day, even though I’ll be in Dallas. Because you’ll have proven to me how thirsty you are to taste my existential (and scientific) anguish. I will hunt down a movie theater and do it.

If you all raise $300, I will take NOTES and provide a quasi–liveblog in addition to bitchy-ass reviewing. (Sorry, true liveblog is impossible; they tend to frown on you having a laptop out in the movie theater.)

AND

If you all raise $400, I will see it in 3D. That is how fucking serious I am about this. (You have no idea how much I hate 3D in movies.)

DO YOUR WORST. I DARE YOU.

You evil bastards THANK YOU:
JRD Skinner ($5)
Murdoch ($20)
Ingvar ($35 w/ $35 gift match [not counted])
Sin ($40)
Ay Bee (@geckospots) ($10)
Shae ($10)