Tag: spam

Categories
conspiracy theory silly spam

In which I answer (spam?) e-mail out loud.

from: christian bile
to: katsuhiro at gmail.com
date: Thu, May 8, 2014 at 4:13 AM
subject:

hey i’d like to know if u r an illuminaati member?

Good question! Actually, I’m an Illuminaaati member. They’re easy to get confused, but one is sort of an off-brand Illuminati that’s generally manufactured in sweatshops by children who are held under terrible conditions and paid almost nothing, and the other is a shadowy, terrifying global organization whose agents sneak into your house in the dead of night and make certain your car tires contain the appropriate amount of air pressure. They also have a highly disturbing yet intensely helpful habit of being already waiting at the proper intersection with a tow truck before before your car has broken down. Almost as if they know it will happen. As if they engineered it perhaps.

(I imagined that question being read in an extra gravelly voice, as if Batman has had food poisoning and been dry heaving for a while. No idea why.)

Categories
silly spam

OH MY GOD GUYS I’M GONNA JOIN THE ILLUMINATI

from: candis.alston@xxxxxx
bcc: katsuhiro@gmail.com
date: Sun, Apr 13, 2014 at 1:37 PM
subject: INVITATION TO THE GREAT ILLUMINATI

Your email was selected among the ten lucky people giving the opportunity of becoming rich and popular by joining the great Illuminati network for more details please contact email ([redacted]) for more details.

Er. Wait. No. I’m not being given the opportunity, I’m giving the opportunity.

HOLY SHIT I’M ALREADY PART OF THE ILLUMINATI! AND I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW! That’s how amazing and secret this great network of rich and popular people is. I was already in the Illuminati and I didn’t even know it! Well, I’m glad to know that in addition to being rich and popular, I’m also so generous I’m helping people join an organization I didn’t even know I was part of.

Though I’m kind of disappointed that the Illuminati are about being rich and popular. I mean, rich, okay. But doesn’t popular kind of defeat the purpose of being a super secret and shadowy organization? And I thought there was going to be like…globe-dominating power. Manipulating heads of state like little marionettes and laughing with a rich deep voice while doing so. Can I have that instead of the popularity? I’d rather be the creepy shadow behind the throne rather than having an entourage of people who think I’m cool. That just seems kind of exhausting.

For more details I will be certain to contact the e-mail address (which is f-ing hilarious and I am sad that I had to redact it on the principle of the thing but let’s just say that apparently the GREAT ILLUMINATI use Outlook.com) for more details. The GREAT ILLUMINATI know that being redundant is the secret to being rich and popular and so is being redundant. DO NOT QUESTION THEIR METHODS. I mean OUR methods. Because I’m already there. I’m so rich and popular I didn’t realize I was rich and popular THAT IS HOW RICH AND POPULAR I AM.

Categories
for fun silly spam

Worse pies were et, indeed.

This is, without a doubt, the most brilliant piece of spam e-mail I have ever received. At least I’m assuming it’s spam. It’s from someone named Juan Barry (I don’t know anyone by that name) and is completely incoherent, in that special way you expect from spam. Yet there are no links, no attachments. Just beautiful, transcendent weirdness. Behold.

Subject: And Ive et worse pies
Juan Barry <xxxx@xxxxxxxx.com>
Apr 10 (1 day ago)
to katsu

And so did I, Nor church? Nor church.
So it was? I noticed it.

Is it pure gibberish? Is it poetry? Is it a subtle attack on the Catholic church or perhaps the tax exempt status of American churches? (Nor church? Nor church.) No church can provide you comfort from bad pie, that much is clear.

Is the pie a metaphor? Is society, in fact, the pie? Has it gone moldy on the inside, and poor Juan feels alone in having noticed this, surrounded by a consumerist culture that urges us to eat and ear, when it’s all ultimately rotten and cannot be saved? (Perhaps not even by divine intervention.) And yet the implication that it could be worse! That he’s noticed it could be even worse, this downward spiral of ever worsening pies. We started at Marie Calendars and have backslid, through Village Inn, then Perkins, then down to Denny’s and we’re about to burn our collective mouths on the hot, fake filling of something evil awakening at McDonald’s.

Nor church? Nor church, Juan. Only we can save ourselves.

You all say the cake is a lie. Well, Juan Barry and I understand that the pie is worse.