Yes, I’m going to Worldcon this year. I haven’t really been talking about it much because… well, I’m going to be honest. I’m having a lot of anxiety and while I’m looking forward to doing vacation-y stuff in Scotland, I am dreading the convention more than a little.
I’m a writer, so I guess I’ll write about it.
A large source of my dread is, in all honesty, that I’m on business meeting staff this year. And while I really love the rest of the staff team and am excited to be working with them, there’s also the 100 fucking page long agenda (available from this URL if you want to give yourself sympathetic anxiety: https://glasgow2024.org/whats-on/wsfs-business-meeting/business-meeting-agenda/). I don’t feel like I’m talking out of turn to acknowledge that there are some controversial things on the agenda, thanks in no small part to a previous business meeting I did not participate in, and I’m also well aware of some of the shit that’s being said out there in the community.
I don’t have any programming at Glasgow other than the business meetings. Because they’re going to run so long, and because I had to take a hard look at both my mental and physical health and concluded that there is quite literally no way I could do more programming as an author and guarantee that I’d be even marginally pleasant and energetic for it.
I can’t really blame WSFS entirely, however, and it would be very unfair to do so. The rest of it is of a piece with the physical and adjacent mental health issues that I’ve been struggling with since November 2022. Things are improving (I’m still in remission! I’m finally starting to taper off immunosuppressants!) but I feel like I am not even living in the neighborhood of my old self yet, and who knows if I ever will again.
This is the first large convention I will have gone to since all of this bullshit started. Up until now, I’ve basically been living like a recluse in my own basement, because I’ve been taking my nephrologist very seriously when he’s told me how fucking bad it would be to catch even a cold while I’m on cyclosporine, let alone COVID. (Having had a single cold and a resulting sinus infection during this time has only highlighted how right he is.) So I’m incredibly anxious about the plane flight and the convention, since those are the times when I’m going to be around a lot of people in enclosed spaces. You can bet your ass I’m going to be wearing a mask all the time!
And frankly, I’ve never been really great with crowds, though I do a decent job of pretending when I’m “on” and being an official, friendly author person. But now, it’s been over a year and a half since I’ve been around any kind of sizable group of people that I’d like to actually interact in and that’s kind of freaking me out, too.
There’s one other thing, too, which feels vain and stupid but here we are. I’ve gained a lot of weight in the last year and a half, thanks to long-term high-dose steroids and being at times just very physically unwell. I’ve always taken pride in being a very natty dresser, and I know it’s how people tend to find me in a crowd. All that’s gone out the window; frankly, my old, nice clothes no longer fit me satisfactorily, and I haven’t had time, energy, nor budget to remedy that situation. So approaching this Worldcon now feels like heading for a battle without any armor.
Bonus author anxiety: I haven’t really done any writing (other than some tie-in work that I am proud of!) in a year and a half. Feels bad, man.
So yeah. I wish I could say I was looking forward to Worldcon, but I really can’t at this point. I’m hoping that once I’m there I’ll be able to relax and have some fun and see people I haven’t gotten to see in a while. Please, if you’ll be there and you’d like to hang out, let me know! I’m not really in a place to go to a party or barcon it, but I’d be up for grabbing lunch or sitting outside and having a tea* or going for a walk. Something low key.
On the other hand, if you see me and I look weird or am being unusually quiet or seem really anxious, I promise it’s not you. It’s me, and the fact that my kidneys tried to literally murder me a year and a half ago and I’m still not over it.
Also, please wear a mask at the convention. In all indoor spaces, really. I know I’m not the only immunocompromised person around.
* – guess who’s going to Scotland and can’t drink alcohol right now. Me. I’m talking about me.