1425: So here goes. I’m watching a horrible movie for the first time, and I’m going to try to write down my thoughts as I have them. We’ll see if something clever results. Until then… previews. Whee!
1429: Ooh, Saturn’s rings. How ominous. And the sun apparently has indigestion, but at least it looks pretty.
1430: A taxi runs through a puddle and capsizes a little toy boat. I have a feeling this is what “writers” refer to as “foreshadowing.” With “scare quotes.” I also find it amusing that the Indian actors are all speaking with stereotypical Indian accents, instead of, say, speaking Hindi.
1432: The highest neutrino count ever! OMG!!!!!1111 The neutrinos are causing a physical reaction WHAT? They’re making a new form of radiation and… uh… boiling water with it? I agree with you, Indian smart dude. That’s impossible. Except instead of impossible, I’d probably just say “stupid.” Congratulations, movie. It’s only been three minutes and I am already completely incapable of taking you seriously.
1435: And then black dude who was talking to the Indian smart dude gets to meet the president. “Mr. President, I have grave news. A script writer just threw up a physics text book and Roland Emmerich is making it into a movie.”
1436: Oh, of course the world will end when the US has a black president. Perhaps it’s just that a prophecy of global doom sounds more convincing when uttered in rich, African-American tones.
1438: The Chinese. They are doing something sinister. Good to know.
1438: And now it’s 2011. Okay then. And someone wants a lot of money from a rich middle eastern guy. And there’s this Heritage organization thingy that’s making off with the Mona Lisa and replacing it with a fake one. Did I just wander in to the wrong movie? Is this the Da Vinci Code?
1441: “The Mayan *** calendar which predicts the world to end on December 21st of this year due to destructive solar forces.” No it doesn’t.
1441: John Cusack, didn’t you used to be in good movies? And I agree with David – why do the heroes in these movies always have to be deadbeats?
1442: everyone is staring in wonder at a huge crack in the street. Which is apparently the result of a “mini quake”? Um… no. If there’s that kind of surface displacement, it would be a significant earthquake.
1443: John Cusack is apparently a quirky writer who drives a limo and has an estranged wife with an asshole new husband/boyfriend whom his kids like more than him. What a unique and interesting character setup. /sarcasm
1445: Old white guy that doesn’t like his son. Who cares? And then there’s a large ocean wave for no apparent reason.
1446: Okay, so the art thing is a theft/conspiracy thing and some French guy’s car gets blown up at precisely the most dramatic moment when he’s trying to call someone.
1447: “Get your stupid ass to Yellowstone, I don’t want to miss all the fun when it finally blows.” …are you serious?
1447: The earth quakes have nothing to do with plate tectonics and the “surface cracks” aren’t from normal quakes? What, pray tell, are these not normal quakes? Planetary indigestion? The Earth about to fart out a contrived plot point?
1449: The timeline. How ominous. Also, way to be obvious about the scripted love interest.
1450: Okay. So if this all has nothing to do with normal tectonics, why the hell would Yellowstone blow? Other than because it’s in the script and they’ve got a good special effects budget for it?
1451: John Cusack, you are the worst dad ever. Hey kids, let’s go check a dead elk in a dried-up, creepy lake bed that’s been cordoned off with an ominous fence. Nothing could possibly go wrong.
1453: What the hell are these people doing in Yellowstone? Measuring temperature, which is increasing at .5% per hour, without any sort of logical explanation. These people are geologists. You can tell because geologists TOTALLY wear pristine white lab coats. It’s not like they ever encounter, you know, dirt.
1455: “The Earth’s crust is destabilizing.” …wait, what? What does that even mean? Are all the silicates spontaneously breaking down or something? Maybe the mutating neutrinos think that silicon is the breakfast of champions. I think that just may be the most vacuous sentence I’ve written in my life.
1456: “All our fancy machines and the Mayan’s saw this coming thousands of years ago.” Heavy-handed writing is heavy-handed.
1459: The apocalypse is going to start in Hollywood. Of course. I like the really awful and insulting tutorial video to explain the basic science term vomit. Wow, and they dug up Charles Hapgood’s (continental drift denier) stinking corpse. So if I got this right, the mutant neutrinos are going to melt the mantle and thus allow the continents to skate around the surface of the Earth, because as we all know, melted mantle is slicker than WD-40.
1504: So John Cusack’s former wife’s new boyfriend is a total slime ball. I’m sure we’ll all be totally sad and stuff when he dies. /also sarcasm
1505: Wow. I love the crack opening up in the middle of a grocery store with just a little bit of shaking and wobbling. That’s… wow. Stupid. stupid is definitely the word I’m looking for.
1507: Once again, it sucks to be poor.
1508: Wow. Those are some AWESOME bad accents.
1509: I love how the rich passengers for the sooper seekrit escape ships get informed they need to go via text message.
1511: Ugly handbag dog: Check.
1512: Any bets that the obnoxious kid with the bad Russian accent will die?
1513: California is going DOWN! ROFL
1513: “When they tell you not to panic, that’s when you run!” Also hilarious.
1514: John Cusack said the F-word. And did the little girls just seriously whine about her hats getting left in their collapsing house? These people have some priorities.
1515: WOO WE ARE RUNNING AWAY FROM THE COLLAPSING EARTH. This definitely beats running away from the cold air in The Day After Tomorrow.
1516: STUFF RANDOMLY COLLAPSES OH NOES
1516: OMG HE JUST DROVE HIS LIMO THROUGH A COLLAPSING SKY SCRAPER AHAHAHAHAHA
1516: …it was a 10.9 earth quake! Hopefully they meant in moment magnitude. :P And again with this “destabilizing” crap.
1519: AHAHHAHA AND THEN THEY FLY A PLANE BETWEEN TWO SKYSCRAPERS THAT ARE FALLING OVER SPECIAL EFFECTS FOR THE WIN AND THEN SHIT EXPLODES ALL OVER THE PLACE
1520: …and LA is a giant sink hole? What?
1521: You know, guys, we didn’t literally mean that California was going to slide into the ocean. That’s kind of hilarious.
1523: And then the token black scientist has a moment with his dad, and I tried really hard to care but couldn’t. David: “Oh look, an emotional moment between two characters that have had no development.” Well put, my friend.
1524: …they’re going to put normal gas into an airplane? Buh?
1525: I am so glad that cell phones will still work at the end of the world. They must not be using AT&T.
1526: At any point, does John Cusack get to drive a normal car?
1527: Conspiracy dewey decimal system between Roswell and Marilyn Monroe. ROFL If only the nuts really did this kind of filing, that would be AMAZING.
1527: Time for John Cusack to now drive an RV in a completely ridiculous situation.
1528: Supervolcano eruption: You’re doing it wrong. How are these people not getting flash cooked? Shut up blond stoner dude. You don’t even get a last line.
1530: The back of the RV is on fire. That’s hilarious. Because getting hit with a giant magma bomb totally wouldn’t knock the RV over. And John Cusack’s wife better wave her hands harder so that he can see her. Right next to the airplane.
1531: John Cusack jumps a randomly forming fissure with the RV. Since no collapsing skyscraper is involved, I am less impressed.
1532: If John Cusack is too stupid to just grab all of the maps and run to the airplane, he totally deserves to fall into hot lava.
1532: I’M RUNNING FROM THE PYROCLASTIC FLOW! I’M RUNNING FROM THE PYROCLASTIC FLOW! NOW I’M FLYING AWAY FROM THE PYROCLASTIC FLOW! ROFL Okay, movie, you have finally one-upped The Day After Tomorrow.
1534: Anyone else think it would have been funnier if the ash clogged up the airplane’s engines? Just throwing that out there.
1535: “We need to bring people who can contribute.” Okay, then WHY did you auction off tickets to the highest bidders? I’m sure stupid blonde lady with the handbag dog has a lot to contribute. Maybe she’s the world’s bitchiest nuclear physicist.
1537: Bored now. Can we please get back to blowing things up? Your manufactured moral conundrums are unconvincing.
1540: I am so confused now. Is token black scientist in Las Vegas with the weird Russian people? What’s going on? What was that little scene even about?
1541: It’s very considerate of global destruction to pause so President Black Guy can make a speech. Except then it takes him out halfway though HAHAHA
1545: Oh, if only we had a copilot! Douchey plastic surgeon guy can pilot! You know what I don’t get? Why does he keep insisting that he can’t fly if it’s the only way he might survive? I’d be all, “Totally, I’m an ace pilot. I’m so awesome I flew an airplane into the past so I could punch the Wright brothers in the nuts.”
1546: I am so glad the giant ash cloud showed up just in time for the heroes to fly another plane out of it.
1547: SWEET THERE ARE CASINOS TO FLY THE PLANE BETWEEN AS THEY COLLAPSE. No wonder they stopped in Las Vegas; luckily they were able to successfully wed the two themes of this movie in one scene.
1549: Why are there Buddhist monks in my stupid disaster movie?
1550: I like how one of the more tectonically active regions of the world is totally untouched by the global disaster so far. But that’s because plate tectonics is a lie.
1551: Hats make you feel safe. Good to know. I want to come up with a character so shallow that her defining characteristic is “a thing for hats.”
1553: They’re going to refuel in Hawaii, which is composed of active volcanoes. Nothing could possibly go wrong.
1553: Oh look, Hawaii is a mass of lava and burning buildings. Which collapse. I’m so surprised.
1554: The only two black people still alive get together. I think that they’re supposed to have chemistry or something. “This book is part of our legacy now. Why? Because I’m reading it.” Wow. Could we have just stuck to the bad science and at least had some reasonable writing?
1556: Dear movie, please just stick to the explosions. Thanks.
1557: Okay, okay, it sucks to be part of humanity and not a rich jerk. I GET IT.
1558: You know what I want to know? If it’s like a 9.4 earth quake and buildings are toppling like dominoes, how the hell are people managing to stay standing?
1559: David: “SWEET are they going to kill the Pope?”
1600: Yes David, there is a Santa Claus.
1600: Oh look. The Sistine Chapel ceiling broke with a crack dividing the outstretched hands of Adam and God. Your subtlety. It leaves me stunned.
1600: The Earth’s crust has started to shift? HAHAHAHA THE SCIENCE JUST GOT DUMBER AND I CAN’T EVEN FATHOM HOW THAT IS POSSIBLE
1601: So with tectonic plates scooting around like frisbees covered with industrial-strength lube, we finally get to kill the people on the cruise ship that we don’t give a shit about. That’s nice.
1602: Hypothesis: The tectonic plates are actually made of a completely frictionless material, kind of like Chow Yun Fat’s pants in Stranglehold.
1602: Tsunami. You’re doing it wrong.
1605: John Cusack and his wife have a moment. So full of not caring. Guess it’s the setup for when douchebag plastic surgeon boyfriend dies.
1606: “The crust has shifted by almost 23 degrees to the southwest.” What does that even MEAN? So then the guy asks if that means the north pole is now in Wisconsin, and then the geologist (he is wearing a WHITE COAT) says that’s actually the south pole now. Because the continents are sliding around like clowns on banana peels and the magnetic field is shifting too or something what? OH MY GOD YOU STUPID MOVIE AT LEAST KEEP YOUR OWN BULLSHIT “SCIENCE” STRAIGHT ARGH.
1610: “The whole world shifted by 1000 miles.” HAHAHAHA YEAH BECAUSE WE RAN OUT OF GAS BOOYAH PLOT DEVICE. Suddenly instead of an ocean, there’s China, just out of nowhere. It does tend to creep up on you. Instead of magically not running out of gas, they just magically moved all the land masses.
1611: WOO NORMAL CAR TO DO SOMETHING STUPID IN! So they’re going to drive the FREAKING CAR out of the back of the plane because a casino knocked off the landing gear. LOL.
1612: Aw. Hot Russian dude is going to die. Boo.
1613: They try to make us believe for an instant that hot Russian guy will survive. But I know this is a disaster movie. I am not fooled. And all he gets is a lame little explosion instead of a skyscraper erupting from nowhere and falling over on him or whatever the shit the screen writers came up with while sniffing glue.
1615: They’re airlifting elephants with helicopters. What?
1618: It’s nice to know that even for the end of the world, we’ve outsourced to the Chinese. Very thrifty.
1619: And now random Buddhist monk dude just happens to show up in time to pick people up.
1620: So, what you’re trying to tell me is that the people in charge of the arks are assholes? Wow, I never would have guessed.
1621: There goes nice Indian dude and his family. I actually feel vaguely sad about this.
1623: And now the geologist dude is wearing a bowtie. Because that’s totally what geologists wear too.
1623: Starting to be dragged down by disaster movie fatigue. Rocks fall, people die, rich people are jerks. We’ve got it. Can this movie please just end? And it’s only been an hour. What the hell are they going to do with the rest of the movie?
1626: I must have missed something. I have no idea why some of the rich people are being left outside of the ships. It’s kind of funny, though.
1629: The blonde lady is calling for her handbag dog. Wow. And the dog makes it, which is hilarious. I love her flipping off the rich dude who tried to ditch her.
1633: Aw, impassioned speech. Now they’re going to let the rich people and Chinese workers in. That’s nice of them.
1634: I see we have arrived at the random machinery portion of this movie.
1634: Douchey McPlasticSurgeon died, and as I predicted, I did not care.
1636: Aw, bye bye random Buddhist monk dude. I like how this tsunami is so ridiculous it’s pouring OVER the Himalayas.
1637: Big Russian dude THROWS his kid in slo-mo up onto the ramp and then falls to his death. AWESOME.
1638: “I know those kids.” That little girl is obsessed with hats, I’d know her anywhere!
1638: Jesus, annoying politician dude, STFU already.
1639: Is it me, or do they have the same female countdown announcer as there was in Spaceballs? It’s always good to have a computerized voice telling you how much time you have before death. Very comforting.
1640: AND NOW WE’RE RUNNING AWAY FROM WATER HAHA
1641: Save the little girl and the handbag dog. Excellent.
1642: Where did all this water come from anyway?
1643: They’re going to crash into Mt. Everest because they can’t start their engines. Awesome.
1645: It’s a suicide mission, so of course John Cusack will go. And kiss his ex-wife beforehand, because that’s cool even though her boyfriend JUST GOT PUT THROUGH A GIANT MEAT GRINDER.
1645: And the little boy follows him. Of course. Predictable much?
1647: Oh, there’s your problem. Some Chinese dude’s leg and a douchebag plastic surgeon are stuck in the hydraulics.
1648: The tension. It is so thick and dramatic. Like curdled milk. Or possibly blood in the streets.
1450: And so the little boy comes up out of the water. And where’s John Cusack? He is letting the Dramatic TensionTM build. It will be so. Surprising. When he comes up.
1653: Aw, awkward romance between the only two black people on the boat. So awkward and contrived.
1654: Oh look. The little girl has yet another hat.
1654: And another contrived romance, this one between John Cusack and his ex. That is so original.
1656: The seabeds have equalized. That’s nice.
1656: And now ships full of rich white people are going to invade Africa where the dry land is. Nothing could possibly go wrong there.
1658: And we end with a power ballad, except it’s not even sung by Aerosmith. 2012, you are the TaB of disaster movies. You’re not even good enough to be Diet Coke.
So that was a disappointing movie. More explosions, less talking. Seriously. Just an hour and half of nothing but explosions and shit falling over would have been much better.