This is pretty much nothing but spoilers, so if you haven’t seen the movie, fuck off until you have. Or don’t complain to me about getting spoiled.
If you want to read an actual coherent review, I have written one, which will hopefully be published in an actual publication instead of on my bullshit blog. I shall keep you in the know.
Anyway, basically all I want to do right now is go to AO3 and roll around in the Finn/Poe tag like a happy dog. If you do not like my OTP (for which I will also consider the OT3 option) you need to get out of my house now. Also, if there is anyone who actually ships Rey and Ren, please leave the planet immediately. Because no. I admit, I had about three seconds of thinking hey that could be some interesting fic when Rey and Ren started getting all telepathic at each other, but considering Rey watched Ren murder the guy who was basically becoming her surrogate father, who was actually his father, no. NO.
And really, I’m not in to shipping Rey with anyone, for all Finn has a super adorable crush on her. She’s going to be a Jedi, boys. She ain’t got time for your nonsense. (Though hey, maybe Rey gets to finally be the person who balances the Force, etc, and it gets to be not belonging to either of your odd little religious cults, thanks.)
I am a little worried about Finn and Rey having the common orphan background. Not because I think that point of commonality for them is wrong, not of itself. But because I am concerned it’s going to become a stupid game of LOOK WHOSE KID YOU SECRETLY ARE. And we already have had the “kid of important people does a thing” with Ren—it’s a nice reversal on the trope of Luke being Vader’s son. If there’s any more of that in this movie, it’s going to be dumb. Also, Rey shouldn’t be Luke’s kid in particular, considering he’s a Jedi and I’d like to think he’s managed to not make all the same mistakes as his dad. AND for goodness sake, people other than the Skywalkers can use the force and be good at it. Let Rey be her own person, please.
Could Rey and Han have been any more cute? Han was perfect, absolutely perfect. Bless you, Harrison Ford. And Carrie Fisher. Everything Han and Leia were in was gold and broke my heart a thousand times. And then Leia feels it when Han dies NO OH MY HEART NO. Just.
Ren, you little shit. I’m not sure if I’m hoping for him to follow in grandpa’s footsteps and get a redemption arc that ends in death, or if I just want him to go the full Caligula and get stabbed more than thirty times, presumably by evil Bill Weasley.
I do love that an angry ginger is running the Empire. Though it does get a little too Harry Potter when you realize that Kylo Ren basically looks like young Snape, and is about as charming. As a dear friend of mine pointed out, Ren’s almost got this baby Caligula thing going (though with less incest plskthx) where he has no impulse control, and he’s dangerous because he’s not suave and in control. The Stormtroopers are scared as hell of him, that’s for sure.
While I’m excited Phasma was there and no boob armor was in sight, I’m hoping there will be a lot more of her in the next movie. We don’t see her die, and now she’s got a reason to really want to hunt down Finn and make his life hell. And if this does not occur I will be BEYOND disappointed.
I just wish Han hadn’t died. I get WHY it had to happen, why it was necessary, and so on. But it still makes me so sad. Han was my favorite from Star Wars, always. And I knew he was a dead man from the minute he decided to approach Ren. Hell, I think he knew he was a dead man too, from the look on his face. But “We miss you”? And then touching Ren’s face after he gets run through with that damn lightsaber? Why don’t you just come to my house and punch me directly in the heart, Harrison Ford?
Okay, done flailing about the characters for now. I am really puzzled and annoyed by the Resistance/Republic and Empire/First Order thing. It’s confusing and weird, particularly the Resistance versus the Republic. What, they’re sort of like a guerrilla terrorist cell being funded by the Republic, but not officially? And way to blow up some planets that we had no reason to care that much about, JJ. The end of the second act was a bit of a hot mess, and I’m really questioning some of the choices there. If you want us to care about the galactic politics, you need to explain it enough that I’ll be able to fucking understand it after watching the movie twice. I wish they’d trusted the fans enough to say okay there’s a Republic, and now the rebel alliance is a valid military that’s fighting against an insurrection or something, and not treated it like we needed to have something that was exactly the rebels but with a slightly different name.
Also, for the love of fuck, the goddamn Empire better have a new fucking idea beyond just make an even bigger gun in the next movie. THINK BEYOND THE TRENCH RUN THANK YOU.
I’d rather just think about shippy things, really. My OT3 is the cutest, the end.
Alternate Titles for The Force Awakens
Death Star Supreme With Extra Cheese
Oh Look Another Disney Movie Powered By Daddy Issues
HERE COMES THE GENERAL
The Search for Luke or Waiting for Luke
BB-8’s Big Adventure (With Some Humans, I Guess)
Oh It’s the Same Idea, It’s the Same Idea
Kylo Ren and Poorly Designed Chamber of Science Jargon
Poe, Rey, and Finn Form a Giant Cuddle Pile
…that last movie I would watch until the projector broke