Author: Alex

Categories
freedom of speech

The word will break cement.


We reached our hands out to the people who, for some reason, consider us their enemies, and they spat into our open hands. “You are not sincere,” they said to us. Too bad. Do not judge us according to your behavior. We spoke sincerely, as we always do—we said what we thought. We were unbelievably childlike, naïve in our truth, but nonetheless we are not sorry for our words, and this includes our words on that day. And having been maligned, we do not want to malign others in response. We are in desperate circumstances, but we do not despair. We are persecuted, but we have not been abandoned. It is easy to degrade and destroy people who are open, but “When I am weak, then I am strong.”

Listen to our words and not to what [pro-Putin television journalist] Arkady Mamontov says about us. Do not distort and falsify what we say. Allow us to enter into a dialogue, into contact with this country, which is also ours and not only the land of Putin and the Patriarch. Just like Solzhenitsyn, I believe that in the end the word will break cement. Solzhenitsyn wrote: “Thus, the word is more essential than cement. Thus, the word is not a small nothing. In this manner, noble people begin to grow, and their word will break cement.” [Solzhenitsyn, The First Circle]

Katya, Masha and I may be in prison, but I do not consider us defeated. Just as the dissidents were not defeated; although they disappeared into mental institutions and prisons, they pronounced their verdict upon the regime

—Nadezhda Tolokonnikova of Pussy Riot, from her closing statement

I really don’t want to recap the gross injustice done to three of the members of the riot grrrl group Pussy Riot by the courts of Russia. There’s a really thorough and good recap of it at Mother Jones magazine. The short version is that Pussy Riot did an anti-Putin performance at Christ the Savior Cathedral in Moscow; three of the five members present were arrested for hooliganism. They were subsequently jailed for five months, run through a show trial in which they spent most of the time in a glass-sided cage, and then sentenced to two years in prison.

To an American this seems unthinkable, even in our pathetic age of “free speech zones.” Protest has been widespread and international. These women are incredibly brave, principled, and strong in the face of persecution. They’re also intensely thoughtful and articulate. You should read the translations of their closing statements. Read all of them. The words are important.

Then, a panel of experts diagnosed all three defendants with personality disorders based on their “activist” stances, “desire for self-realization,” “overstated self-esteem,” and tendency to voice their opinions. 

 (From Mother Jones, emphasis mine.)

I can’t help but wonder if this extra, nasty little twist can be credited to the fact that it was women daring to speak their mind. It has a familiar, despicable ring to it. And as Nadezhda points out, it’s common practice for dissidents to have their credibility attacked, to be declared insane, all in an effort to take power from their voices.

What I really want to draw attention to is another thing that Nadezhda said; it has haunted me: Just like Solzhenitsyn, I believe that in the end the word will break cement.

This is the distillation of so much protest. We want to be heard. Because in being heard, we know we will triumph. Perhaps not today, or tomorrow, but words are geological in their nature, and over time they will wear down the tallest mountain. It seems plain that governments like Putin’s understand this. So much governmental energy across the world is devoted to silencing people, because words are powerful. Words are the best and sometimes only weapon that any of us have.

I hope that enough pressure is put on Putin that this travesty is brought to an swift close. But even if not, the words are already out there, and they won’t be forgotten. You can’t stop the signal. 

I now have mixed feelings about this trial. On the one hand, we expect a guilty verdict. Compared to the judicial machine, we are nobodies, and we have lost. On the other hand, we have won. The whole world now sees that the criminal case against us has been fabricated. The system cannot conceal the repressive nature of this trial. 

—Yekaterina Samutsevich of Pussy Riot, from her closing statement

I am amazed that truth really does triumph over deception. Despite the fact that we are physically here, we are freer than everyone sitting across from us on the side of the prosecution. We can say anything we want and we say everything we want. The prosecution can only say what they are permitted to by political censorship.   

—Nadezhda Tolokonnikova of Pussy Riot, from her closing statement

Fear has a way of robbing us of words. That’s how bullies of all sorts operate, intimidating people into silence and eventual non-existence. But this shows the imperative that we must not be afraid, that we must stand and speak. It may be cold comfort, but I too believe that words win in the end. Love and the desire for freedom win in the end.

Words seem soft and simple, but so do the roots of trees.

Categories
writing

Twitter is not a chore.

If you haven’t read Justine Larbalestier’s blog post about social media self-promotion for writers, you should. Obviously, as a writer who has actually published novels and made money, she has much more cogent and useful things to say about the issue than I do.

But I would like to add my two cents as someone who is attempting to do writerly things, and more importantly, someone who uses Twitter.

At one point, I saw a submissions call and checked it out. The publisher that issued the call had a note on it that basically said if you did not have X number of followers on Twitter and X number of followers on Facebook, you were obviously not serious about this writing thing and they wanted nothing to do with you. I found that incredibly offensive for a multitude of reasons.

Obviously, I know that being serious about being a writer isn’t just about writing, as much as I wish it was. I’m not that naive. But this emphasis on social media, this requirement that you have to, by hook or by crook, have a minimum number of followers just pisses me off.

I use Twitter for fun.

I know some people acquire followers on Twitter by following people and hoping they get a follow back. That’s never been my style, mostly because I read my Twitter feed in its totality. I may have to start messing with lists sometime soon anyway for time management, but I still am not going to follow someone unless I am actually interested in what they have to say.

Let me lay this out as a generic Twitter user: people who do nothing but relentlessly self-promote are goddamn boring. The authors that I follow (Justine Larbelestier, John Scalzi, Jim Hines, Neil Gaiman, etc) are on my list because they’re interesting, not because I want to be updated daily on what they’re selling. I like the heads up on new things coming, but they have a hell of a lot more to say than just “buy my book.”

I have unfollowed people before because they rarely Tweeted anything that wasn’t about their products. I’ve also unfollowed people because they were boring. What this tells me, as someone who now might want to approach this from the other side, is that maybe being on Twitter just so you can tell everyone to buy your shit is not going to work that well.

I don’t like That Guy, you know, the one that only wants to talk to you so he can try to sell you something and tell you how awesome he is. I’d hazard that no one does. I refuse to be That Guy. You can’t make me.

Categories
cycling rants

It’s my road too.

Dear person who honked at me:

Look, a car horn isn’t really the best communication medium there is. I guess we could try morse code, or set phrases like the general 10-codes, but outside of that I don’t really know what you’re trying to tell me. Of course, I have some guesses.

Maybe you’re trying to tell me that you think I should be on the sidewalk. Funny thing is, that’s actually illegal in a lot of places. Bicycles are considered vehicles and as such, we’re supposed to be in the street. And moreso, people like me who regularly commute via bicycle tend to cruise along at 20+ mph when we get going. I don’t want to collide with a child or a family pet when going that kind of speed. It wouldn’t end well for anyone.

So nothing personal, but I don’t know you well enough to be willing to break the law for you, grievously injure someone’s kid, or put myself in the hospital.

Maybe you’re trying to share with me that you’re really annoyed there’s a bottleneck where cars can’t go zooming around me, an I’m impeding your progress by up to thirty seconds. You’ll have to forgive me if I don’t have much sympathy for that. You can make up time a lot better than I can with just my quads and a couple of wheels to power me along.

Maybe you’re trying to tell me that you saw another cyclist do Terribly Assholish Thing X, and you now hate all cyclists. Look, I’m sorry that someone was a jerk to you, but that doesn’t mean I’m a jerk or deserve to be punished for their mistakes. When I was little, a dog bit me on the face. I still have a scar. But you don’t see me going around and being mean to every dog I meet because I got the crap scared out of me once.

Maybe you’re trying to tell me that you don’t want to share the road with me. Tough shit, it’s my road too.

Maybe you’re trying to share the important information that your car is equipped with a horn. Well, that’s nice to know. Good for you. 

But this is the thing. When you honk at me, I can’t hear any of that nuance. All I get out of it is: Just wanted you to know, I’m an asshole.

Hope that’s what you were trying to convey.

Categories
biology bugs

The new arthropod invasion

I’ve been seeing fewer pillbugs these days, but more millipedes. While I wish the little guys would find somewhere else to hang out, I don’t have a problem with them.

I actually have a lot of fond memories of millipedes. I used to volunteer at the Butterfly Pavilion and Insect Center in Westminster, Colorado. Back then they let us handle the giant African millipedes, which was a very cool experience. Those things get up to over a foot long, and like to curl around your wrists like bracelets made of cable. And then poop on you, but they don’t mean anything by it.

Watching them walk is a really cool thing; their legs move in distinct waves. Millipedes, it should be noted, have two pairs of legs per body segment. And they don’t have stingers. That would be centipedes (who have only one pair of legs per body segment), and I’m not a fan of those.

There was a giant Sonoran centipede at the insect center too. They did not let us handle that. It had stingers on the tail, one on each foot, and some terrifying jaws. Those things can eat lizards and little rodents. And apparently you should always pick them up with forceps longer than the actual centipede, because they can curl up fast and latch on.

Ugh.

But millipedes. Millipedes are cool. They also roll up in a ball like pillbugs when they’re scared. Which is… shockingly adorable.

I’ve been picking up the little guys and letting them crawl over my hands as I carry them outside. They’re much better at clinging than pillbugs. Though if you play with millipedes, you should wash your hands afterwards. And not just because of the messy millipede poops (they’re kind of like the cows of the arthropod phylum, if you take my meaning) but because they secrete defensive chemicals if they get scared – such as hydrogen cyanide.

Also, unlike pillbugs, they have no terrifying marine cousins. So family reunions are, presumably, all cute with occasional pooping, and no tongue-eating.

I’m spending an inordinate amount of time these days on arthropod rescue. But we’ll see who’s laughing when I see a magical millipede safely to the planter outside and get three wishes as a reward.

Categories
politics Uncategorized

Situational assessment: GROSS.

Twitter is exploding about the situation with Julian Assange. I am averting my eyes and feeling creeped out. There is nothing in this situation that is not gross.

  1. Assange is wanted in Sweden over suspicion of sexual assault on two Swedish women. Gross.
  2. This is being downplayed by nearly everyone who is a fan of Assange and Wikileaks: also gross.
  3. Yet the giant swarm of British police at the Ecuadorian embassy sure seems to indicate, frankly, that this is not about the sexual assault charges in Sweden. Because when was the last time you saw any police force turn out like this to deal with a sexual assault case? Gross, gross, gross.
  4. Ecuador is giving Assange asylum not because of the situation in Sweden but because of what appear to be very justifiable fears that he will then be subsequently extradited to the US, since America wants his ass in the worst possible way. Thus making the sexual assault case a pawn in this despicable game. Disgusting.
  5. And of course, shout-out to America for being gross in its entire response to Wikileaks, particularly if those are our grubby little governmental fingers prodding the British along on this. Nuclear yuck. 

This entire goddamn thing makes me want to wash my hands and never stop.

Categories
movie review

Total Recall: An Inexplicable Obsession With Elevators

I tried to go in to this movie with an open mind. I really did, I swear.

Then Total Recall told me: So yeah. Elevator through the center of the Earth.

Well. If you’re not going to take this seriously, neither am I.

And no, I don’t count that as a spoiler, because the damn movie slaps you with that facepalm-inducing concept within five seconds of the opening credits starting. (If that revelation stops you from seeing this movie in the theater, I’d appreciate it if you use some of the money you saved to send me a cookie.) That’s right. The grandeur of possibly fake saving an entire planet has been replaced with a giant elevator that somehow goes through the center of the Earth.

It’s a sad, sad day when you manage to come up with a concept that makes even less scientific sense than the original Total Recall. And here’s the thing: the elevator through the center of the Earth is actually the least aneurysm-inducing part of the world build. Don’t even get me started on how the societal set up itself makes no damn sense. (Everything is a chemical cesspit except Europe and Australia so every day all the people from Australia get shipped to the other side of the world via the elevator to go to work WHAT okay I need to lay down now.)

I’m kind of wondering if the script writer was perhaps savaged by an elevator as a child. Because there is a lot of elevator action going on in this movie. Large chunks of it, action scenes and chase scenes, take place in elevators. I don’t know, is there a Jungian archetype for this? I suppose we could get all Freudian and boil it down to sex because HEY A THING GOES INTO ANOTHER THING, only I can think of nothing potentially less sexy than Colin Farrell and Jessica Biel looking vaguely uncomfortable at each other in a giant elevator.

That, and this new version of Total Recall was so infested with lens flares that I had this crazy moment where I wondered if JJ Abrams had punched Len Wiseman in the head and taken over, only then it would have been a much more interesting and suspenseful movie. I’m not really a fan of the Abrams love affair with lens flares, but at least he manages to do it in a way that’s not actively annoying. Here, I got very, very tired of seeing ghostly blue streaks over Jessica Biel’s face. As far as I can tell, her only purpose in the movie was to look pretty, and that sure didn’t help.

The original Total Recall wasn’t exactly a festival of logic, but I think I was more willing to go with it because the movie so obviously didn’t take itself seriously. I’m more than capable of enjoying movies that have a certain sort of gleeful badness – Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter anyone? – but with this one I just spent a lot of time rolling my eyes. Total Recall took the concepts of the old movie (loosely based as it was on We Can Remember It For You Wholesale) and sucked all the joyful, ridiculous mayhem out of it. So instead, it feels ponderous, silly in a squirm-inducing way, and you don’t even get copious blood spatter as a reward.

Blah.

I did find it amusing that in the future:

  • Great Britain apparently becomes the Empire, complete with stormtroopers and battle droids. Glad to see that they’re keeping up with their glorious tradition of being cartoonish villains in American-made movies.
  • Enormous guns on combat helicopter things can only fire two second bursts and then have to reload themselves, which takes just long enough that they are basically useless.
  • Collin Farrell gets his ass thoroughly kicked by a suit-wearing politician. 
  • Stabbing someone in the intestines kills them instantly, except that it doesn’t because they subsequently come back to life just in time to be blown up.
  • Bill Nighy is the leader of the resistance. (If I had somehow managed to keep it together after the ELEVATOR THROUGH THE CENTER OF THE EARTH thing, to be honest that would have killed it for me. Sorry, Mr. Nighy.)

There were precisely three things that I liked about this movie. One, the sets and backgrounds were done really well. I liked the sprawling multi-level dystopian metropolis. It looked intense, wonderful, and at times downright Blade Runner-esque, and that hits all the right geek buttons with me.

There were some great little nods to the original Total Recall that I appreciated, as someone who loves that movie in all its silly glory. There was the hooker with three breasts, the woman in the ugly yellow coat at security, and a lot of other little nods in lines. Spotting those Easter eggs were some of the only truly fun moments in the movie.

Third and most important, Kate Beckinsale almost managed to salvage the entire movie by being unbelievably badass in every single scene in which she appeared. I found myself hoping she’d show up even more often to punch the good guys repeatedly in the face. She also does the amazing Natasha Romanov-style crotch punch, which I will never get tired of seeing. The only regret I have is that at the end she gets killed by Collin Farrell. In the original movie, Quaid’s not-wife gets taken out by his girlfriend, and it’s quite satisfying. But as far as I can tell Jessica Biel’s character was basically just there to look worried and get punched, so I suppose she didn’t have the necessary reservoir of awesomeness to even penetrate Kate Beckinsale’s BAMF field.

In the contest of which movie is a better homage to We Can Remember It For You Wholesale, neither Total Recall wins. They’re based on the story, but it really should be “based” complete with scare quotes. I think I do have to reward the 1990 movie with a slight edge, though. Douglas Quail never goes to Mars in the short story, but the red planet is there, and aliens come up as well. And frankly, the 1990 movie does a much, much better job of creating that lingering, uncomfortable feeling about whether or not this entire thing was real, or just an insane fantasy.

Because let’s be honest. If you’re going for insane fantasies, standing on top of a mountain on miraculously terraformed Mars while kissing your girlfriend in a pose off a pulp fiction cover wins over celebrating blowing up the big, mean elevator by being wrapped in a blanket.

Go big or go home. You’re better off getting your ass to Mars.

Categories
fitness for fat nerds

Fitness for Fat Nerds: Snot, Spit, and Tears

Alternative title: The Gross Stuff

Fair warning. This post is going to contain some frank discussion of less than fabulous bodily functions. (So if you’d like to avoid me discussing farting, etc, just skip this post.) I know this can be rough on us grown-ups, and it’s even tougher for those of the female persuasion because the social norm is that girls aren’t supposed to have bodily functions.

Because everyone knows we’re not actually human.

I started off writing these Fitness for Fat Nerds posts because it was all stuff I wish someone had told me when I started exercising. Well, this falls under that category. I’m not going to claim that all these things or even some of them will happen to you, so don’t worry about that. But if they do, I want you to know it’s okay. It’s not because you’re going to die or because you’re a fat nerd daring to exercise. People have various biological fiddly bits, and we emit fluids and smells and other things we like to pretend don’t exist.

Hey, that’s life.

Sweat
This is obvious, and I hope by now you’ve realized that everyone who has exercised ever sweats. There is nothing wrong with it. But I wanted to throw this out there because women in particular get discouraged from ever looking like we’re anything but dry and sparkly and appropriately rose-scented, and it’s total bullshit. Your sweat is effort, my darlings. The sweatier you get, the harder it means you worked. And frankly, even the most awesome deoderant that has ever been invented is not going to be able to hold out against a truly excellent workout.

Everyone smells bad after they’ve worked up a sweat. That’s what showers were invented for. Revel in your sweat and workout stink. They’re badges of honor. And if anyone ever, ever gives you crap about it like those little assholes did to me in junior high, you tell them that Rachael says they can fuck all the way off.

The only downside of sweat, to be honest, is that it gets in your eyes. And if you’re a real sweat-monster like me, you can also inhale it up your nose. The former is awful and stings like hell, the latter just fells incredibly weird. This is why bandannas and sweatbands were invented. Don’t feel bad about using them.

Also if you do a lot of cycling, you will occasionally get sweat splashback from other riders. It’s a thing that happens, and not something to worry about. You’re not going to catch a disease off of it, sweat really isn’t that gross (it’s basically water and salt) and keep in mind, you’re probably splashing the people behind you. It’s a thing that happens.

Snot
Snot happens to me with distressing regularity. Mostly when it’s cold out, but I got hit with a bout of the runny nose today while I was riding my bike, and it was oh my god it’s hot degrees outside in Houston.

All you can really do about it is sniff, blow your nose if you have some kleenex around, or my favorite, do the classic and subtle nose wipe on the sleeve maneuver. This is not acceptable behavior in normal social situations, but you’re going to sweat through that shirt and chuck it in the wash as soon as you get home anyway. A little snot isn’t going to make a difference one way or the other.

Spit
I also spit a lot when I work out. I have a problem anyway with mucus at the back of my throat, so I’m well-practiced at it. You’ll notice spitting is a pretty common thing if you’re going any kind of distance. Breathing through your mouth a lot tends to dry things up and make your spit thick and clingy, the sort of thing that then makes it harder to breathe. It happens, even if you’re drinking plenty of water.

If you get a throat boogie or some nasty, thick spit? Don’t choke yourself trying to swallow it. Spit and keep going. Just aim properly away from other people. (And particularly if you’re riding, spit down, not out. It keeps your spit from hitting other riders in the peloton, which they appreciate, believe me.)

People seem to find it appalling in particular when women spit. Let them clutch their pearls; it’s not your problem unless you spat on them.

Tears
I’ve noticed my eyes, like my nose, tend to run when it’s cold. Also when I go really, really fast on a bike or have the wind in my eyes. I only mention it because it’s in the title of the post. Carry on.

Farts (and worse)
This was something I mostly noticed when I was running. I don’t know what it is about vigorously bouncing along the trail, but it can feel like you’ve taken everything in your intestinal track and compacted it downward. This can lead to some absolutely awe-inspiring farts.

This actually freaked me out enough the first few times it happened that I checked with a friend of mine who runs a hell of a lot more than I do. It’s a Thing That Happens. Really, it’s just polite to spare a moment of pity for anyone who is downwind of you. (And hope that you’re not about to run into someone else’s noxious cloud before it dissipates.)

It goes beyond that as well. I’ve had a friend or two, while trail running, that have had to take a furtive dive off into the bushes. I’ve managed to avoid that myself, but again, it’s a Thing That Happens. It doesn’t mean that you’re dying or ate something bad.

Barf
This is a thing that’s happened to me, due to both running and overexertion at kung fu. This is actually the only thing on this list that I’d count as bad and something you want to try to avoid, because it means you have pushed yourself way too hard. If you start feeling sick or dizzy, stop. Put your head between your knees.

Also, give yourself sufficient time between eating and exercising. That really helps the not-barfing efforts as well.

The Red Tide
This one is just for the biologically female fat nerds of a certain age range. And I actually don’t have a whole lot to say about it, since recently I’ve started just taking birth control pills continuously so I can avoid having a period altogether. (Seriously, birth control pills, where have you been all my life?)

I will say I always hated exercising while I had my period, because I’m not a fan of tampons, and a sweaty pad is a thing of horror. While sometimes exercising seemed to make my flow temporarily stop, other times it would just sort of back up and then fwoosh. The sort of fwoosh that happens at the worst possible moment.

So I suppose file those under the heading of, “things that have happened to another girl.” As far as I’ve known, ladynerds who don’t have my issues with tampons do just fine using those.

#

Those are the major gross things that I could think of off the top of my head. Did I miss one? Have a, “Is this normal?” question? Throw it in the comments.

Categories
movie review

Waiting for Jason Bourne

I’ve got some mixed feelings about The Bourne Legacy. There was actually a lot that I liked about it. But there were certain choices that were made in the movie that I feel made it weaker, and I’m not really sure why they were done.

The non-spoiler summary:

Generally, it was a fun Bourne-style action movie. There was some suspense, interesting and wonderfully grimy settings, lots of improvised weapons. There were chase scenes where, as usual, I had absolutely no clue what the hell was going on, but I thought maybe we were winning. It was a fun way to spend my evening, though I don’t know if my opinion would be the same if I’d gone in cold.

Jeremy Renner was likeable, Rachel Weisz was actually really interesting, and Edward Norton was a standard amoral government guy in a suit. There were a lot of missed plot opportunities that could have gone for some great character development and raised Renner’s character Aaron Cross toward the level of Jason Bourne. I think instead, those opportunities got blown on making the chase scenes just a little more incoherent and shaky.

I don’t feel like I wasted my time at the movie, and if there’s a sequel (and I’m sure there will be) I’ll definitely go see it. But I hope next time they give us more. The original Bourne movies really raised the bar on spy-fi in a lot of ways – internal drama to go with all the action, for one – and I’d like to see that legacy continue in truth. 

THE WHOLE ENCHILADA WITH SPOILERS BELOW:

To begin with, there was the entire choice of making the events of the movie basically concurrent with The Bourne Ultimatum. I haven’t had a chance to watch that movie in a while, but I remembered enough that I at least knew who Pamela Landy was and why a bunch of older white guys in suits were saying “My god,” in deep, serious tones. I really don’t know what the experience would have been like for someone who hadn’t seen the original Bourne trilogy.

And of course, they kept bringing up Jason Bourne. The serious white guys in suits mention him constantly. Aaron sees his name carved in the bunk bed at the way house he stays at. We see a photo of him flashed during a newscast. But it feels like a plot point that never delivers because not once in the movie do we actually see Jason Bourne. Aaron doesn’t meet him, or really seem to have any kind of attachment to him as anything but  a name. This makes Bourne feel like something that got added in at the last moment as a way to keep his name in the title. He becomes the movie’s Godot, where he never shows up even as he provides the necessary fig leaf to explain why the characters are talking. Though at least he never triggers a serious discussion about suicide being better than waiting any longer.

I understand if they couldn’t get Matt Damon. But I think if they wanted to keep the connection between the original three movies and this one, they needed to find a better way to connect the character of Jason Bourne to the new guy, Aaron Cross. Maybe they met once in the back story. Maybe Bourne is a legend in the program and his defection has a real psychological effect on its last living lab rat. Maybe Aaron could have found out more about Bourne and taken some kind of direction or inspiration from the way that he went rogue and remade himself. (Actually, I think that would have been really interesting…)

Then there’s the issue of LARX-3. He has no name other than that. He also, to the best of my memory, has no dialog, and only two facial expressions – cold and grrrrr. He also feels like an afterthought to the plot – an oh shit we’re in the third act and the boss fight music just cued up, send in the plot device! Part of what made the original Bourne movies so interesting was that anyone significant Jason Bourne faced had at least some kind of internal life – which made his killing them more meaningful, both to the audience and to him as a character. The way the end battle with LARX-3 played out, it was really like Aaron versus the drone part two. It was another missed opportunity, I think. Even if the point of LARX-3 was that he’s a human with the humanity removed, that would have been great food for thought for Aaron had he known, I would think. Hey dude, that’s the new model, see where we’re going with this?

I really loathed what they did with the wolves while Aaron was up in Alaska. I’ll just say here that I am anti-shooting and blowing up wolves, even if it’s in movies. And the way the wolves were acting made absolutely no sense anyway, which just makes it a bit more annoying.

Otherwise I found the movie pretty enjoyable, though inferior to the original Bourne trilogy. Aaron Cross was a likable character, though he lacks what made Jason Bourne so interesting. Bourne’s character development was really about him figuring out who and what he was, wrestling with the sins of his past, and then deciding to remake himself. Aaron’s struggle is never really that visceral. While he mentions several times that he’s done bad things (and thus they seem to bother him) he obviously kept going with the program and doesn’t seem to struggle with it all that much.

His real motivation is to keep his enhanced mental capabilities because he doesn’t want to regress to being an idiot, and it sounds like that regression process is really horrible. That’s something that is sympathetic, but it lacks the punch of the “who was I? who will I be?” that we learned to expect from the Jason Bourne movies. There were a few tantalizing lines thrown in there – maybe predators don’t think Aaron is human any more – but that incredibly interesting question never really seems to cross his mind.

I was actually far more interested in Dr Marta Shearing, the character played by Rachel Weisz. She does go through a really good character arc, where she starts out as someone who was “just doing science” without any real thought to the ethics, and has that come home to roost. She does struggle with that, and grows. Unlike Aaron, I think she comes to accept responsibility for her involvement, realizing how pathetic her own sacrifices (I didn’t get to go to conferences! I couldn’t talk to people about my work!) really were in light of the much larger, darker picture.

You weren’t bad, Bourne Ultimatum. But I want more. Give me more. I expect better of you.

Categories
fitness for fat nerds rants things that are hard to write

Losing weight sucks

I’ve been meaning to write about this for a while, but I’ve been putting it off. It’s tough to write. Anything about weight and self-image and societal bullshit is kind of destined to be.

Over the last two years and three months, I’ve lost about 75 pounds, going from 270 to 195. I’m now back down to what I weighed as a sophomore in high school, before I started training as a powerlifter. The reason I decided to try to lose weight (and keep trying) is because there’s a lot of type II diabetes in my family, and I want to dodge that bullet.

I tell you this not as some kind of brag line, or because I’m looking for congratulations, but because I feel that it lends meaning to the point of this post. I lost 75 pounds. I generally feel healthier as a person. And I would never in a million years get on someone else’s back and tell them they are in some way obligated do what I’ve done.

Losing weight sucks. It sucks a lot. It can be utterly soul-destroying, and it’s self-inflicted.

There’s this narrative that all us fat nerds know. It says that we must be fat because we’re lazy. Because there is something fundamentally wrong with us. Because we’re greedy. Because we’re gross and lack the willpower to resist evil, sinful things like that piece of cake. It’s our fault, and we deserve to be summarily judged by perfect strangers simply because of how we look.

After 75 pounds, I hate that narrative more than ever. I hate that people assume I must be significantly more physically fit now than I was 40 pounds ago. I hate that outside of my immediate circle of friends and family, the news that I weigh less than I used to is greeted with far more enthusiastic congratulations than the fact that I’ve published stories in professional magazines. The latter normally gets a, “Hey, that’s cool.” The former receives the kind of approbation I’d expect if I’d just fucking cured cancer.

I hate that I can’t write about this without crying.

Losing weight sucks.

Anyone who tells you that losing weight is easy is lying to you. They’re trying to sell you something, or they’re trying to make you feel like shit because they’re an asshole.

Between cardio activity and weights, I’ve probably spent 15-20 hours per week on physical activities in the last two years. It’s like a part-time job. I write down everything I eat. Everything. And then I count the calories and wish I could have a beer, but not today.

I know I’m lucky. I have that kind of time I can invest into physical activity. I also know that my 15-20 hours a week is nothing compared to the time invested by people who are professionally good-looking. You know, the people we constantly get told we should look like, as if they are the true norm. There are a lot of people out there who literally do not have that kind of time; they have multiple jobs, they have kids, they have responsibilities that don’t let them go ride around on their bicycle for two hours a night. And there are also people who just would rather spend their time doing something else, and I sure can’t blame them for that. The only reason I’ve managed to keep doing it is because I like biking and kung fu.

I hate writing down everything I eat. I hate counting calories. I can’t blame anyone who doesn’t want to put themselves through that either. I don’t feel like I have a right to demand that my fellow human beings are miserable. I could probably lose weight faster, but I’m human, and there are days where I decide that if I get hit by a bus tomorrow, I don’t want to die regretting the fact that I didn’t try the red velvet cake. If anyone has a problem with that, they’re welcome to fuck themselves.

Losing weight sucks.

This is the part that sucks the most: it doesn’t magically make you love yourself. You still look in the mirror and hate the same things about yourself that you hated 20, 40, 70 pounds ago. Losing weight is a slow motion process of punctuated equilibrium. You don’t even realize anything has changed about your body until you look at old pictures. Maybe then you can feel like there’s been some kind of improvement (however you judge that) but then it’s back to the same you in the same mirror and the million things you wish were just different.

If I just lose some weight then I’ll… is one of the dumbest phrases ever spoken. It’s a lie, and an excuse. If you’re not brave enough to do something now, you won’t be when you weigh less.

Because there’s still all the shit in your head, years upon years of the world teaching you to hate yourself, and that’s harder to lose than every spare pound you have.

Categories
writing

And there is a winner!

That’s right, the Clarion write-a-thon ended last week and I got all six of my short stories written. I also said that I would pick someone at random from my supporters to have naming rights to a character in one of my upcoming steampunk stories.

Thanks to Random.org for providing the RNG, we have a winner: Ivona Elenton!

I’ll poke you at some point Ivona so we can chat about the dubious prize you’ve received. Thank you to everyone who supported me in the Clarion write-a-thon!