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liveblog

First Presidential Debate Liveblog

Okay, so let’s see what snark I can come up with between drinks. I have come well prepared with beer, cider (thanks Isaac) and THE KRAKEN.

Pre-debate show is on. Still can’t believe they closed down I-25. Way to make everyone in Denver hate both candidates.

1848: Debate is soon, but until then I am happy to watch my TV girlfriend Rachel Maddow.

1855: I still think they should have called the Al Sharpton show “Revved Up.”

1855: And I also love the little countdown clock for debate time. Oh MSNBC, you are made of such geeks.

1856: So my current plan is to drink every time Romney says my friends, job creators, Obamacare, or claims he’s going to create a brazillion jobs without specifying how. And I’ll drink when Obama says let me be clear, Romneycare, mentions he killed Osama bin Laden, or points out that the Republicans originally murdered the economy. That alone ought to get me pretty trashed.

1859: Proposal: next debate to be hosted by Ru Paul. Romney and Obama will lip sync for their lives.

1900: Not sure how I feel about this debate format. We’ll see how it goes…

1901: Chris, look, I fail to see how anyone wouldn’t want to kick Richard Nixon in the balls.

1901: YAY JIM LEHRER. I grew up watching you.  Eerily, I don’t feel like he really looks much older. Anyway about this format, I don’t know how the open discussion is going to go. I bet they just talk over each other a lot.

1903: Specific? HAHAHA it is like Jim Lehrer’s wish list on what he wants. Would you like a pony too, Jim?

1904: Obama grabbed Romney’s arm first in the handshake. I think that means he gets to keep one of his ears as a trophy.

1904: Obama won the coin toss? Obviously a terrorist coin.

1904: Well, he mentioned Michelle. I am not going to take a drink though, since it is their anniversary and he has to. BUT YOU ARE ON NOTICE, OBAMA.

1905: “New economic patriotism.” – The middle class? What about the working poor? But yeah, he whipped out that line again about using the savings from ending the wars. Wouldn’t that be nice.

1907: Romney just mentioned Anne.

1907: He just claims he won’t be cutting taxes for the wealthy. ORLY.

1908: Trickle down government? Really Romney?

1908: Wow. Lookit Obama using actual numbers and stuff.

1910: It’s an interesting approach on how Obama keeps saying they agree… and then pointing out that they don’t really at all. Obama’s still in fine form, I think.

1911: Jim says he wants things to be specific again. You poor man.

1911: “I don’t have a five trillion dollar tax cut. I don’t have a tax cut!” ARE YOU SHITTING ME HE JUST SAID THAT?

1912: Mitt Romney likes coal. Clean coal apparently. He whispers to it soothingly at night. He pets it. (Well, and that’s a clear thing. Open ALL THE GOVERNMENT LAND for drilling. And Alaska. And a pipeline. Ugh.)

1914: No tax cut that adds to the deficit Mitt? And just for middle income Americans? Would he care to define what he considers middle income? WE WOULD LIKE TO KNOW.

1916: Oh my god. The look of pain on Jim Lehrer’s face when Romney ran over him. Jim, I could have told you this format was a bad idea.

1917: “I have five boys. I’m used to people telling me something that’s not true and just repeating it” OH NO YOU DID NOT MITT ROMNEY. YOU DID NOT. God please tell me Obama is warming up his laser eyes.

1918: “For six months he’s been running on this tax plan. And now his big, bold idea is: never mind.” OOOH LASER EYE BEAMS. BURN. “It’s math. It’s arithmetic ” I see we have reached the portion of the evening where Obama will channel Bill Clinton.

1920: “Under his definition Donald Trump is a small business. Now I know Donald Trump doesn’t like to thinking about himself as a small anything…” Well Obama has made me laugh several times already.

1921: I feel like Mitt Romney just agreed that most of the small businesses aren’t actually small businesses.

1923: You know, I love that Obama keeps bringing up math. And then Bill Clinton, so I must drink. But I’m really glad he’s bringing up the historical perspective.

1924: They are never going to let poor Jim change the subject, are they.

1925: Apparently Mitt Romney’s plan is like nothing we’ve ever seen before. Why does it not sound that way? And it doesn’t matter what you’re saying your plan is, IT STILL DIDN’T WORK.

1927: Yes, send things to the state level, because the states are totally flush with money to run programs at a smaller economy of scale.

1929: Hahaha Obama should have grabbed Simpson-Bowles but Romney would have a different plan? Really? And how was Obama supposed to have grabbed the damn plan when congress didn’t pass it?

1932: Wow, you really want to go there with the Bush tax cuts thing?

1933: Obama: Romney has ruled out revenue.
Romney: Absolutely.
…and then you can see him realize oh shit, he just said that.

1934: Oh good, Obama’s bringing up industry deductions. Particularly the oil industry. Oh, and the corporate jet tax rates.

1937: Romney’s smile is getting smaller, it seems.

1938: Isaac: I think Romney’s camera is out of focus.
Me: It’s because he doesn’t have a soul.
David: Vampires never show up properly on camera.

1939: Romney claims he’s never heard of tax breaks for moving a factory out of the US. Obama’s eyebrows go ‘boink.’

1940: Romney, I don’t think any of the states have ever begged to get to take care of their poor solely on their own. Maybe the states in your own head.

1941: Wow. Obama didn’t even seem to feel like it was necessary to ask for the last word.

1943: I notice Romney is very careful about saying that he’s not doing anything to current retirees. OH GOD AND THERE IS THAT 716 BILLION BULLSHIT NUMBER BLARGH DRINK DRINK DRINK

1946: Vouchers. Drink!

1946: Oooh, nice. “If you’re 54 or 55 you might want to listen up…” And then brings up Paul Ryan’s plan. Romney appears to be visibly in pain.

1947: Obama brings up the AARP.
Isaac: Let me bring out my giant red old people stick.
HAHAHA and then Obama says he’s now become fond of the term “Obamacare” and Mitt Romney gives him the church friends fuck you smile.

1948: Jim: Do you support the voucher system, governor?
Romney: I support not changing anything for the current retirees BLAH BLAH BLAH 716 BILLION.
Wow. That’s a minor meltdown on stage. He’s getting kind of testy and talking faster.

1950: Obama brings up higher administrative costs plus profit for the private industry. Where’s the money come from. And then brings up the AARP again. It’s almost like he knows Paul Ryan got booed there.

1951: Romney says if medicare is great, it’s the product people can purchase.
Mom: Health care is not a can of beans, asshole.
Well stated, mom.

1952: Romney says that regulation is essential to a free market. I think somewhere, Paul Ryan just shit in his pants. What?

1953: Oh god, now we’re getting in to repeal and replace on poor, toothless Dodd-Frank?

1953: Wow, that is a major smile from Obama. I think Romney may be in trouble.

1955: Yep. He’s in trouble. “The question is, does anyone out there think there was too much oversight of Wall Street? Because if you do, Governor Romney is your candidate.” Ouch.

1957: HAHAHA HEALTHCARE. I’d better get another drink.

1958: ROMNEY FFS NO ONE BUYS THE 716 BILLION THING.

1958: I deny that Romney knows what a kitchen table is. He has servants for that.

2000: Anyone else feel surprised Obama actually said insurance companies aren’t allowed to “jerk you around?” Is it just me?

2001: Jim: Two minutes are up sir.
Obama: I had five seconds left before you interrupted me. *grin*
Me: /giggle

2001: Obama: We saw it worked well – in Massachusetts
OOOOOOH BURN

2002: Romney just accepted ownership of Romneycare. I think that sound was Rush Limbaugh exploding. And really Romney, you wanted to bring up the lack of Republican votes, when the Republicans have said on record they won’t vote for anything Obama brings up? Really?

2004: Romney: blah blah blah bipartisan
Obama: It was a Republican idea. And Democrats in Massachusetts should have given Republicans in congress advice on how to cooperate.
This. This is not turning out to be a good segment for Mitt Romney.

2007: Young people staying on their parents insurance is NOT COVERED in the private market, not up to the age of 26. Geeze.

2009: Mitt Romney invoked the free market fairy. And personal responsibility. Asshole.

2009: Obama’s really hammering the lack of details. Good for him. “Is Romney keeping all of these plans secret because they’re too good?” Nicely delivered sarcasm.

2012: The Reagan fairy has also been invoked. DRINK!

2013: Oh the role of government. Oh Gosh.

2014: Good work on bringing up things like the National Academy of Sciences and the transcontinental railroad. Bringing up that idea that the government can create opportunities and do things that individuals or even states can’t. He’s delivering this argument very compellingly, I think.

2016: “Governor Romney doesn’t think we need more teachers. I do.”

2016: Romney loves great schools. And kittens. And moms. He rejects that he doesn’t like great teachers? Why did he say we didn’t need more then?

2017: I think this ‘trickle-down government’ thing is the new buzz phrase, but no. Just no. It makes no sense.

2019: And here comes school choice. Everyone groans at Romney. We know he means vouchers, he just doesn’t have the sack to say it.

2022: And Obama mentions Romney saying people can borrow money from their parents OOOH HE WENT THERE.

2023: Wait… apparently he would have hired teachers with the money Obama used for green jobs except… uh… he said we don’t need any more teachers.

2024: We need to grade our schools so parents can take their kids to the schools that are more successful because that totally makes sense. Because then all the kids get shoved at those schools and GOSH. WHAT EVEN.

2026: Jim Lehrer asked about governmental gridlock ILU JIM

2026: Oooooh nice. Obama: Romney is going to have a busy first day since he’s going to repeal Obamacare… which is not going to be popular with Democrats when you’re sitting down with them.

2028: Obama didn’t point out that the Republicans are obstructionist fucksticks, but I am charmed that he pointed out Romney hasn’t been ballsy enough to say no to the right wing of his own party.

2031: Mitt Romney: Concerned. He is very concerned. Look at those eyebrows.

2032: Mitt Romney and his magic jobs that he will create with a languid wave of his hand.

2033: Oooh, next is the VP debate. That ought to be fun. Though not as awesome as Biden versus Palin.

So I feel like Obama came out ahead, just because Romney had a couple major meltdowns and lost his cool a couple of times.

Rachel Maddow calls Romney more hyper or amped. I think frenetic is the word you want.

I do agree, I would have seen a little more attack from Obama.

Wow… I do not agree with the after show panel at all.

Though Chris Hayes pointing out that Romney dumped the right wing is true. I wonder if he’s going to get eaten for that.

And I am too drunk to drive home. See you for the next debate!

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liveblog

In which I take you along on a magical journey through an online defensive driving course

No, I am not taking a defensive driving course because I did something terrible involving anteaters behind the wheel of a car. I’ve had a modest (cough) number of speeding tickets in my day, less now that I no longer own a motorcycle (but that will be fixed once I’m no longer poor bwahahaha) and at the moment I don’t even have a car to begin with. I’m taking the defensive driving course for work, since I’ll be going on a field trip next week and it’s one of those things that’s required just in case I have to drive. (I also had to take Bloodborne Pathogens and re-up my CPR certification, which was actually nice to do.) My company is very, very serious about safety.

Which is probably why everyone looks so horrified when I inform them that I don’t have a car and have to bike everywhere. In Houston. It’s like having a death wish, apparently.

Unfortunately, I have a feeling that this is not going to be the most exciting four hours of my life as I take this course online. So I’m going to deal with it the way I deal with anything that involves staring at a screen and wanting to grind my teeth: sarcasm. This also guarantees I’ll actually pay attention, since if you want to be properly bitchy about something you do actually have to know what’s going on.

So. (Probably will be updated every 10 minutes or so. Except for the bit where I go to laundry.)

1055: This into is approximately ten years of watching a cheerful yellow cgi car cruise around in a way that indicates the physics engine needs a serious tune up. And there is no ability to fast forward. This does not bode well.

1103: “This course will be meaningful…” I feel oddly threatened by this statement. If this defensive driving course doesn’t make some kind of deep, spiritual impact on my life, will the defensive driving patrol come to my house and regroove me? Will I be prayed over by the defensive driving priests? We shall see.

1108: This course has been updated like the vehicles I drive today… It has clipless pedals? Or it has cruise control like my car? I want cruise control.

1109: “Let’s get personal.” Let’s not. Or at least buy me coffee first.

1109: Wow and then we immediately start with the guilt. If this course asks me why I never call, we are done.

1114: “Every day choices can have a positive and/or negative impact.” Next up: water is wet!

1116: I think this part could be summarized with a nice lady with curly, iron-gray hair saying, “I just want you to make good choices.” Followed by Concerned Face.

1118: I had no excuses for the one accident I had, years and years ago. First got a cell phone, was trying to text someone and drive, and I rear ended someone at low speed in stop and go traffic. Valuable lesson time, kids. So no, I HAVE NO PITY FOR YOUR EXCUSES, COURSE.

1119: I can’t drive for everyone else too. I drive a compact. They won’t fit.

1120: Cutting other people off is unreasonable? I never would have thought. I feel like there should really just be a Wheaton’s Law Defensive Driving Course – “Don’t be a dick.”

1121: Liar. “Preventable collision” isn’t actually in the dictionary.

1125: The how do you drive survey. This ought to be good. I bet I come out as the reincarnation of Genghis Khan.

1125: Communicating via “friendly gestures.” Pffffffft.

1126: “I enjoy driving in a legal manner because it is less stressful and the right thing to do.” I feel like the word “enjoy” is a problem with this statement.

1127: Wow, apparently I’m a defensive driver. Well, I guess I do drive pretty safely other than my tendency to speed. Also, this quiz didn’t tell me what Avenger I should be, so I’m very disappointed.

1130: STOP! Laundry time!

1135: Is there anything better than sheets freshly out of the dryer? Simple pleasures, people.

1137: And have I mentioned lately how amazing it is to be able to do little things, like put sheets on my bed without needing assistance because my right arm is no longer about to fall off? Because it is. Anyway. Back to learning how to avoid vehicular manslaughter.

1139: Excellent choice on adding the thunder effects to the statistics section. Adds some serious gravitas as they fade one person out of the picture of a happy family to indicate the death of a loved one in a motor vehicle crash.

1140: …oh wait. Real thunder. Never mind.

1142: Driving has now been compared to surgery, and to sending out wedding invitations. One of these things is not like the other… I mean, having had to conduct a wedding, I’m pretty sure screwing up the invitations would lead to way more carnage than if a surgeon wanted to play angry birds in the middle of a bypass.

1144: OOOH PEDESTRIAN WITH A BABY MAYBE SHE HAS A PIZZA.

1145: Watching that CGI cyclist fall over makes me feel funny in my tummy.

1150: Keep your windows and windshield clean. And I bet it helps if you keep your glasses clean too. ARE YOU LISTENING, MIKE?

1158: Apparently I’m middle-aged. /sob Thanks for ruining my day, defensive driving course.

1200: The pictures of angry people hanging out of their car windows are the best.

1203: I’m finding the dramatic tension in this section about vehicle maintenance is lacking. It’s a real let-down after the suspense they built up in the section about how feelings are important.

1208: Yes, test the horn. That way everyone in the parking lot will turn and look at you, wondering if you’re some kind of asshole.

1211: Not sure if I’m comfortable doing as much leaning to look at my mirrors while driving as they’re advising.

1213: And… we’re still not done with vehicle maintenance.

1214: No, let’s not learn more. I will have died of old age and you’ll still be wittering on about tire pressure.

1220: “The laws of physics do not know who you or your family are.” That is actually a wonderful statement. And remember. Even if they did know, they wouldn’t care. Physics is a bitch like that.

1223: If a car is going 55 mph, the unrestrained occupants will also be going 55 mph. Shocking revelation brought to you by physics.

1233: I could have lived without watching a long video about the death of Princess Di. It got seared into my brain enough by the unending news cycle when it happened.

1248: Next assignment: write an ode to seatbelts. In iambic pentameter. I am fucked.

1308: Lunch. This course is working me SO HARD. Look at that appetite.

1323: This video just basically told me to put on a sweater, just in case. I am waiting for it to tell me I should wear clean underwear as well.

1324: Driving in snow and ice? I’m from Colorado, motherfucker. I was born knowing these things.

1326: When you drive uphill, gravity is not pulling in the opposite direction. It’s pulling you toward the Earth’s center of mass, just like it is when you’re on a flat road. So there may be a small component of force that is downhill, but not the bulk of it. GEEZE NO WONDER WE ARE TRAILING THE  WORLD IN SCIENCE.

1332: I had no idea that my car would continue going straight if I didn’t steer. HOLY SHIT GUYS.

1332: Sharp curves will haunt my nightmares. They’re so sharp, yet curvy. It’s a philosophical conundrum that I’m not prepared to deal with on a Sunday when I’m still in my pajamas. Hold me.

1348: Upon approaching a school bus, make no sudden movements or you might startle it. If the red lights are flashing and it has extended its stop arm, this is an indication the school bus is engaged in its mating ritual and might charge if interrupted.

1352: Pedestrian road hazards: the source of all pizza.

1354: Ooh, cyclists as road hazards. This will be my favorite part. /chinhands

1355: Yes, be courteous to us. I like you, defensive driving video.

1356: Yes, we are vehicles. We have rights!

1356: Also, I wonder why fatalities on motorcycles have increased so much recently. Maybe it’s just because there are more motorcycles. NO WAIT. This is supposed to be snarkarific. Uh… uh… FART JOKE.

1402: Goose in the road? Fuck the goose. Run it over.

1422: Wow, that lady looks seriously pissed at that road map.

1424: Think of nothing but driving! Don’t think about elephants! Only driving!

1431: They’re talking about balls. Context is for sissies.

1442: That dude looks like Don Corleone in a silver SUV. I wouldn’t be dumb enough to cut him off.

1449: What can you control in this situation? The undercarriage mounted machine gun. That’s always the answer.

1453: The bottom line isn’t that speeding doesn’t pay. It’s “don’t get caught.”

1459: This quote is amazing: “So the old notion of having the right-of-way is so wrong–so wrong that it can kill you!” This should be the next bad horror movie to come out. Right of Way – you thought you were safe. It thought you were DEAD.

1530: I think I’ve run out of even minimally clever things to say. I just want the pain to stop.

Day 17. We had to kill and eat the dogs, or face perishing from lack of food. I fear what will happen if we don’t find civilization soon. I caught Scott trying to burn the maps; I fear the man has run quite mad from a combination of cold and despair. We can do nothing but continue on and hope.

Day 21: Scott ran off into the words in the middle of the night, whooping and shrieking like a thing not of this earth. He was also quite shamefully nude. None of us had the energy to follow him. And while the others dare not speak of it, I know they feel the same as I; after his rather unhinged actions of the last few days it was something of a relief. The rotted deer carcass we found two days back will last longer when split amongst only three rather than four. Still no sign of civilization.

Day 26: George passed away in the night. It was Harold who had the idea, the horror– no! I won’t! We can’t! Survival is not worth a man’s soul!

Day 27: We did.

Day 31: Stumbled from the woods into a mining camp. They took in our shameful condition with no small amount of horror and saw us bathed, fed, and properly re-clothed. None of us can look the others in the eye; we all remember well what we did. What we must never speak of. The price of survival is too high, too high indeed.

Categories
liveblog movie

Bad Movie Liveblogging: Dante’s Peak

It’s a cassic, and I haven’t seen it yet.

Get ready for bad geology in 3… 2… 1…

1740: Here we go. The opening titles have some brooding strings going. (Ellen: “Pierce Brosnan? WOO!” Woo indeed, Ellen.) Oooh, look at those flamey opening titles. THE RAGING FURY OF A VOLCANO.

1741: Make no mistake. This is a movie about volcanoes. Volcanoes that will FUCK YOU UP. Run from the flames pathetic humans! RUN! RUN!

1742: Is that a sparkler?

1743: I don’t know what’s the bigger emergency. The volcano or that man’s shirt. Wow.

1744: Okay, I will say. I like the volcanic bombs.

1745: “A volcano killed my wife. I am now doing pushups so I can kill the next volcano I meet WITH MY BARE HANDS.”

1746: “Going on vacation isn’t going to kill me. BUT IT KILLED MY WIFE.”

1746: For the record, kids, most geologists are not that obsessed with pushups, unless it’s an arm strengthening exercise for developing your drinking arm. And admittedly our hair generally isn’t that good either.

1748: He just left his glasses behind in the shop. Because A VOLCANO KILLED HIS WIFE.

1749: And then the mayor just leaves her car in the middle of the street. What is it with this town?

1750: A major investment in your economic future? Doomed. You’re all doomed.

1750: Also, naked coeds in the hot springs? Doomed as well. Because everyone knows that pigeons can sense volcanoes coming.

1752: Oh Sarah Connor. You used to be so much more badass. Why are you just honking your horn? Go in there and drag that kid out by the scruff of his neck with your LADY BICEPS.

1752: And now that we’ve put the single mom mayor in the car with the hot widower from the USGS, are we telegraphing much? That’s where my money is

1753: Also, almost no one calls it ‘the United States Geological Survey.’ Everyone I have ever met just calls it ‘the USGS.’

1753: You can tell he’s a geologist. He correctly identified a quartz crystal on the first try.

1755: Are you Mayor McSingleton’s boyfriend? She wishes.

1755: Yes. Mt. St. Helens. Nothing happened then.

1755: I wonder what mountain played Dante’s Peak?

1756: The glasses have mysteriously reappeared.

1757: Look at that picture he took with no scale. Fail geologist.

1757: “A man who stares at a rock must have a lot on his mind.” And we all LAUGH.

1758: I think they should have made this a zombie squirrel movie instead of a volcano movie.

1759: I love how he waits until the little boy is about to dive in before saying anything.

1800: …wait, how is the carbon dioxide killing trees? Ellen offers that maybe it’s like oxygen poisoning. But then all the humans would be dead too.

1801: Ah, douchey bald guy that thinks money is more important than human life. This is a familiar character. Thank you for providing the necessary fig leaf to explain why we aren’t immediately GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

1803: And here’s the grizzled old geologist (you can tell he’s grizzled because he actually uses USGS) who is overly cautious because Pierce Brosnan is a MAVERICK! A maverick with a DARK PAST. Who NEEDS A VACATION.

1806: Oh don’t be silly. Geologists drink BEER, not whiskey.

1808: Oh, and of course Mayor McSingleton runs the coffee shop. And spills coffee on them so they can flirt.

1808: “I’ve always been better at figuring out volcanoes than people and politics.” /groan

1812: Those kids are not very bright.

1813: Okay, sorry, he wasn’t married. So he just had the love of his life MURDERED BY A VOLCANO.

1814: I’m glad you’re here, Harry, so we can all die a fiery death together.

1815: “Good coffee… you know what Harry? This town might just be worth saving.” Okay, I’ll admit. That’s kind of accurate. If it’s good beer we will go down into the Earth and punch the magma chamber in the face to stop it from erupting.

1815: LOL. “She was in to cyrstals. Not rocks, crystals.” Okay, that is beautiful.

1819: “I don’t think this is a very good idea.” Gaby: Aw, grow a pair.

1823: This is probably the least compelling helicopter rescue I’ve ever watched. Though I do like the mid-air cuddling that’s going on.

1825: Wait, if the biggest quake was 2.9, how would you feel it? OH MY GOD PEOPLE JUST FACT CHECK. Three minutes on the internet. That’s all it takes.

1830: I just. I don’t even know what is up with this scene. She’s like wanting to give him coffee, except it’s totally sex and not coffee, only he says he doesn’t like her coffee but sex is TOTALLY LIKE A BICYCLE. This is some of the worst romantic dialog ever.

1831: I feel like it was a relief to everyone involved that the kid woke up.

1832: I do like that they bring up Mt. Pinatubo.

1834: Ah, the free-spirited old lady who refuses to leave the volcano. I can smell where this part of the plot is going. Like sulfur.

1838: That was an awesome scream out of that woman.

1838: “For what it’s worth, you were right, I was wrong.” /looks at erupting volcano. YEAH NO SHIT.

1846: Good effort with the helicopter crash, but I think this movie still needs more fireballs.

1847: He doesn’t have enough time, but he’s a MAVERICK! And not this time you damn dirty volcano! NOT THIS TIME!

1847: Now the volcano is throwing plastic boulders at his car. No fair.

1849: Yeah Ruth. Way to murder your whole family by being a crusty old bitch that wants to prove she isn’t afraid of a volcano.

1850: Crazy movie geologists: We’re riding this one all the way down! God’s big show! John: Hell with you guys, I’m out of here.

1850: OH MY GOD LAVA FLOWING INTO THE CABIN AND THEY JUST RUN AWAY FROM IT AND THEN JUMP IN THE BOAT WE ARE DYING. Because everything is on fire from the AWESOME HEAT OF THE LAVA. Except for you know, the humans.

1852: Volcanic activity has turned the lake into acid. But it’s okay, because okay because there’s a quartz crystal. And singing. Though I will note, Pierce Brosnan sings MUCH BETTER in this movie than he did in Mama Mia!

1854: Because the water. Is acid. And wrapping your hand in a shirt will totally help? Not unless it’s water proof. And apparently that’s some hella acidic water considering it’s MELTING GRANDMA. This scene is unspeakably ridiculous.

1855: Gaby: Just leave her behind. Me: Yeah, she wanted to stay behind anyway. John: Is that how Venezuelans treat their grandmas?

1857: Her legs look like a terrible suntan bed accident but it’s okay HAVE THE CRYSTAL.

1900: I bet you didn’t realize that all geologists know how to hotwire cars. It’s grad school 101 baby, because we’re fuckin badass like that.

1902: Gaby: What are you doing, fool! Just get out of the van and run! Me: But the new paint job! And I just had the satellite dish put on! And the shag carpeting in the back!

1903: /Willhelm scream

1904: Stuck in the lava! Just rock it back and forth. There might be some cat litter in the back of the truck.

1904: And… a daring puppy rescue? That was random. Grandma died, but we saved the dog. I don’t have words for this.

1907: OH MY GOD! WE PREDICTED THE MOUNTAIN IS LIKE GOING TO ERUPT EVEN MORE. How do you even predict that? YOU CAN’T.

1907: You correctly identified a pyroclastic cloud. You’re such a geologist.

1908: OH MY GOD PYROCLASTIC FLOW IN THE REVIEW MIRROR DRIVE FAAAASTEEEEEER (Okay, you realize these things move at something like 700 km/h.)

1909: They act like the force of the flow is the issue instead of the fact that it’s made out of FUCKING SUPERHEATED (1000C) GASES AND ASH and should have broiled them alive instantly. /facepalm That’s what makes pyroclastic flows so scary!

1910: Oh wait, I figured it out. It was a supercooled pyroclastic flow and that’s why it was moving so slowly.

1911: Annoying little girl: my head hurts. Mayor McSingleton: My head hurts too. Me: Bitch, you ain’t even WATCHING this movie.

1911: Harry: You ever go deep sea fishing? – “You like watching gladiator movies?”

1916: Yay, Harry managed to get the McGuffin turned on. Good for him.

1921: And thus the village was saved. At least this movie wasn’t as long as 2012. Or it sure didn’t feel as long.

Categories
2012 liveblog movie

2012: The world ends in an explosion of bad dialog

1425: So here goes. I’m watching a horrible movie for the first time, and I’m going to try to write down my thoughts as I have them. We’ll see if something clever results. Until then… previews. Whee!

1429: Ooh, Saturn’s rings. How ominous. And the sun apparently has indigestion, but at least it looks pretty.

1430: A taxi runs through a puddle and capsizes a little toy boat. I have a feeling this is what “writers” refer to as “foreshadowing.” With “scare quotes.” I also find it amusing that the Indian actors are all speaking with stereotypical Indian accents, instead of, say, speaking Hindi.

1432: The highest neutrino count ever! OMG!!!!!1111 The neutrinos are causing a physical reaction WHAT? They’re making a new form of radiation and… uh… boiling water with it? I agree with you, Indian smart dude. That’s impossible. Except instead of impossible, I’d probably just say “stupid.” Congratulations, movie. It’s only been three minutes and I am already completely incapable of taking you seriously.

1435: And then black dude who was talking to the Indian smart dude gets to meet the president. “Mr. President, I have grave news. A script writer just threw up a physics text book and Roland Emmerich is making it into a movie.”

1436: Oh, of course the world will end when the US has a black president. Perhaps it’s just that a prophecy of global doom sounds more convincing when uttered in rich, African-American tones.

1438: The Chinese. They are doing something sinister. Good to know.

1438: And now it’s 2011. Okay then. And someone wants a lot of money from a rich middle eastern guy. And there’s this Heritage organization thingy that’s making off with the Mona Lisa and replacing it with a fake one. Did I just wander in to the wrong movie? Is this the Da Vinci Code?

1441: “The Mayan *** calendar which predicts the world to end on December 21st of this year due to destructive solar forces.” No it doesn’t.

1441: John Cusack, didn’t you used to be in good movies? And I agree with David – why do the heroes in these movies always have to be deadbeats?

1442: everyone is staring in wonder at a huge crack in the street. Which is apparently the result of a “mini quake”? Um… no. If there’s that kind of surface displacement, it would be a significant earthquake.

1443: John Cusack is apparently a quirky writer who drives a limo and has an estranged wife with an asshole new husband/boyfriend whom his kids like more than him. What a unique and interesting character setup. /sarcasm

1445: Old white guy that doesn’t like his son. Who cares? And then there’s a large ocean wave for no apparent reason.

1446: Okay, so the art thing is a theft/conspiracy thing and some French guy’s car gets blown up at precisely the most dramatic moment when he’s trying to call someone.

1447: “Get your stupid ass to Yellowstone, I don’t want to miss all the fun when it finally blows.” …are you serious?

1447: The earth quakes have nothing to do with plate tectonics and the “surface cracks” aren’t from normal quakes? What, pray tell, are these not normal quakes? Planetary indigestion? The Earth about to fart out a contrived plot point?

1449: The timeline. How ominous. Also, way to be obvious about the scripted love interest.

1450: Okay. So if this all has nothing to do with normal tectonics, why the hell would Yellowstone blow? Other than because it’s in the script and they’ve got a good special effects budget for it?

1451: John Cusack, you are the worst dad ever. Hey kids, let’s go check a dead elk in a dried-up, creepy lake bed that’s been cordoned off with an ominous fence. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

1453: What the hell are these people doing in Yellowstone? Measuring temperature, which is increasing at .5% per hour, without any sort of logical explanation. These people are geologists. You can tell because geologists TOTALLY wear pristine white lab coats. It’s not like they ever encounter, you know, dirt.

1455: “The Earth’s crust is destabilizing.” …wait, what? What does that even mean? Are all the silicates spontaneously breaking down or something? Maybe the mutating neutrinos think that silicon is the breakfast of champions. I think that just may be the most vacuous sentence I’ve written in my life.

1456: “All our fancy machines and the Mayan’s saw this coming thousands of years ago.” Heavy-handed writing is heavy-handed.

1459: The apocalypse is going to start in Hollywood. Of course. I like the really awful and insulting tutorial video to explain the basic science term vomit. Wow, and they dug up Charles Hapgood’s (continental drift denier) stinking corpse. So if I got this right, the mutant neutrinos are going to melt the mantle and thus allow the continents to skate around the surface of the Earth, because as we all know, melted mantle is slicker than WD-40.

1504: So John Cusack’s former wife’s new boyfriend is a total slime ball. I’m sure we’ll all be totally sad and stuff when he dies. /also sarcasm

1505: Wow. I love the crack opening up in the middle of a grocery store with just a little bit of shaking and wobbling. That’s… wow. Stupid. stupid is definitely the word I’m looking for.

1507: Once again, it sucks to be poor.

1508: Wow. Those are some AWESOME bad accents.

1509: I love how the rich passengers for the sooper seekrit escape ships get informed they need to go via text message.

1511: Ugly handbag dog: Check.

1512: Any bets that the obnoxious kid with the bad Russian accent will die?

1513: California is going DOWN! ROFL

1513: “When they tell you not to panic, that’s when you run!” Also hilarious.

1514: John Cusack said the F-word. And did the little girls just seriously whine about her hats getting left in their collapsing house? These people have some priorities.

1515: WOO WE ARE RUNNING AWAY FROM THE COLLAPSING EARTH. This definitely beats running away from the cold air in The Day After Tomorrow.

1516: STUFF RANDOMLY COLLAPSES OH NOES

1516: OMG HE JUST DROVE HIS LIMO THROUGH A COLLAPSING SKY SCRAPER AHAHAHAHAHA

1516: …it was a 10.9 earth quake! Hopefully they meant in moment magnitude. :P And again with this “destabilizing” crap.

1519: AHAHHAHA AND THEN THEY FLY A PLANE BETWEEN TWO SKYSCRAPERS THAT ARE FALLING OVER SPECIAL EFFECTS FOR THE WIN AND THEN SHIT EXPLODES ALL OVER THE PLACE

1520: …and LA is a giant sink hole? What?

1521: You know, guys, we didn’t literally mean that California was going to slide into the ocean. That’s kind of hilarious.

1523: And then the token black scientist has a moment with his dad, and I tried really hard to care but couldn’t. David: “Oh look, an emotional moment between two characters that have had no development.” Well put, my friend.

1524: …they’re going to put normal gas into an airplane? Buh?

1525: I am so glad that cell phones will still work at the end of the world. They must not be using AT&T.

1526: At any point, does John Cusack get to drive a normal car?

1527: Conspiracy dewey decimal system between Roswell and Marilyn Monroe. ROFL If only the nuts really did this kind of filing, that would be AMAZING.

1527: Time for John Cusack to now drive an RV in a completely ridiculous situation.

1528: Supervolcano eruption: You’re doing it wrong. How are these people not getting flash cooked? Shut up blond stoner dude. You don’t even get a last line.

1530: The back of the RV is on fire. That’s hilarious. Because getting hit with a giant magma bomb totally wouldn’t knock the RV over. And John Cusack’s wife better wave her hands harder so that he can see her. Right next to the airplane.

1531: John Cusack jumps a randomly forming fissure with the RV. Since no collapsing skyscraper is involved, I am less impressed.

1532: If John Cusack is too stupid to just grab all of the maps and run to the airplane, he totally deserves to fall into hot lava.

1532: I’M RUNNING FROM THE PYROCLASTIC FLOW! I’M RUNNING FROM THE PYROCLASTIC FLOW! NOW I’M FLYING AWAY FROM THE PYROCLASTIC FLOW! ROFL Okay, movie, you have finally one-upped The Day After Tomorrow.

1534: Anyone else think it would have been funnier if the ash clogged up the airplane’s engines? Just throwing that out there.

1535: “We need to bring people who can contribute.” Okay, then WHY did you auction off tickets to the highest bidders? I’m sure stupid blonde lady with the handbag dog has a lot to contribute. Maybe she’s the world’s bitchiest nuclear physicist.

1537: Bored now. Can we please get back to blowing things up? Your manufactured moral conundrums are unconvincing.

1540: I am so confused now. Is token black scientist in Las Vegas with the weird Russian people? What’s going on? What was that little scene even about?

1541: It’s very considerate of global destruction to pause so President Black Guy can make a speech. Except then it takes him out halfway though HAHAHA

1545: Oh, if only we had a copilot! Douchey plastic surgeon guy can pilot! You know what I don’t get? Why does he keep insisting that he can’t fly if it’s the only way he might survive? I’d be all, “Totally, I’m an ace pilot. I’m so awesome I flew an airplane into the past so I could punch the Wright brothers in the nuts.”

1546: I am so glad the giant ash cloud showed up just in time for the heroes to fly another plane out of it.

1547: SWEET THERE ARE CASINOS TO FLY THE PLANE BETWEEN AS THEY COLLAPSE. No wonder they stopped in Las Vegas; luckily they were able to successfully wed the two themes of this movie in one scene.

1549: Why are there Buddhist monks in my stupid disaster movie?

1550: I like how one of the more tectonically active regions of the world is totally untouched by the global disaster so far. But that’s because plate tectonics is a lie.

1551: Hats make you feel safe. Good to know. I want to come up with a character so shallow that her defining characteristic is “a thing for hats.”

1553: They’re going to refuel in Hawaii, which is composed of active volcanoes. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

1553: Oh look, Hawaii is a mass of lava and burning buildings. Which collapse. I’m so surprised.

1554: The only two black people still alive get together. I think that they’re supposed to have chemistry or something. “This book is part of our legacy now. Why? Because I’m reading it.” Wow. Could we have just stuck to the bad science and at least had some reasonable writing?

1556: Dear movie, please just stick to the explosions. Thanks.

1557: Okay, okay, it sucks to be part of humanity and not a rich jerk. I GET IT.

1558: You know what I want to know? If it’s like a 9.4 earth quake and buildings are toppling like dominoes, how the hell are people managing to stay standing?

1559: David: “SWEET are they going to kill the Pope?”

1600: Yes David, there is a Santa Claus.

1600: Oh look. The Sistine Chapel ceiling broke with a crack dividing the outstretched hands of Adam and God. Your subtlety. It leaves me stunned.

1600: The Earth’s crust has started to shift? HAHAHAHA THE SCIENCE JUST GOT DUMBER AND I CAN’T EVEN FATHOM HOW THAT IS POSSIBLE

1601: So with tectonic plates scooting around like frisbees covered with industrial-strength lube, we finally get to kill the people on the cruise ship that we don’t give a shit about. That’s nice.

1602: Hypothesis: The tectonic plates are actually made of a completely frictionless material, kind of like Chow Yun Fat’s pants in Stranglehold.

1602: Tsunami. You’re doing it wrong.

1605: John Cusack and his wife have a moment. So full of not caring. Guess it’s the setup for when douchebag plastic surgeon boyfriend dies.

1606: “The crust has shifted by almost 23 degrees to the southwest.” What does that even MEAN? So then the guy asks if that means the north pole is now in Wisconsin, and then the geologist (he is wearing a WHITE COAT) says that’s actually the south pole now. Because the continents are sliding around like clowns on banana peels and the magnetic field is shifting too or something what? OH MY GOD YOU STUPID MOVIE AT LEAST KEEP YOUR OWN BULLSHIT “SCIENCE” STRAIGHT ARGH.

1610: “The whole world shifted by 1000 miles.” HAHAHAHA YEAH BECAUSE WE RAN OUT OF GAS BOOYAH PLOT DEVICE. Suddenly instead of an ocean, there’s China, just out of nowhere. It does tend to creep up on you. Instead of magically not running out of gas, they just magically moved all the land masses.

1611: WOO NORMAL CAR TO DO SOMETHING STUPID IN! So they’re going to drive the FREAKING CAR out of the back of the plane because a casino knocked off the landing gear. LOL.

1612: Aw. Hot Russian dude is going to die. Boo.

1613: They try to make us believe for an instant that hot Russian guy will survive. But I know this is a disaster movie. I am not fooled. And all he gets is a lame little explosion instead of a skyscraper erupting from nowhere and falling over on him or whatever the shit the screen writers came up with while sniffing glue.

1615: They’re airlifting elephants with helicopters. What?

1618: It’s nice to know that even for the end of the world, we’ve outsourced to the Chinese. Very thrifty.

1619: And now random Buddhist monk dude just happens to show up in time to pick people up.

1620: So, what you’re trying to tell me is that the people in charge of the arks are assholes? Wow, I never would have guessed.

1621: There goes nice Indian dude and his family. I actually feel vaguely sad about this.

1623: And now the geologist dude is wearing a bowtie. Because that’s totally what geologists wear too.

1623: Starting to be dragged down by disaster movie fatigue. Rocks fall, people die, rich people are jerks. We’ve got it. Can this movie please just end? And it’s only been an hour. What the hell are they going to do with the rest of the movie?

1626: I must have missed something. I have no idea why some of the rich people are being left outside of the ships. It’s kind of funny, though.

1629: The blonde lady is calling for her handbag dog. Wow. And the dog makes it, which is hilarious. I love her flipping off the rich dude who tried to ditch her.

1633: Aw, impassioned speech. Now they’re going to let the rich people and Chinese workers in. That’s nice of them.

1634: I see we have arrived at the random machinery portion of this movie.

1634: Douchey McPlasticSurgeon died, and as I predicted, I did not care.

1636: Aw, bye bye random Buddhist monk dude. I like how this tsunami is so ridiculous it’s pouring OVER the Himalayas.

1637: Big Russian dude THROWS his kid in slo-mo up onto the ramp and then falls to his death. AWESOME.

1638: “I know those kids.” That little girl is obsessed with hats, I’d know her anywhere!

1638: Jesus, annoying politician dude, STFU already.

1639: Is it me, or do they have the same female countdown announcer as there was in Spaceballs? It’s always good to have a computerized voice telling you how much time you have before death. Very comforting.

1640: AND NOW WE’RE RUNNING AWAY FROM WATER HAHA

1641: Save the little girl and the handbag dog. Excellent.

1642: Where did all this water come from anyway?

1643: They’re going to crash into Mt. Everest because they can’t start their engines. Awesome.

1645: It’s a suicide mission, so of course John Cusack will go. And kiss his ex-wife beforehand, because that’s cool even though her boyfriend JUST GOT PUT THROUGH A GIANT MEAT GRINDER.

1645: And the little boy follows him. Of course. Predictable much?

1647: Oh, there’s your problem. Some Chinese dude’s leg and a douchebag plastic surgeon are stuck in the hydraulics.

1648: The tension. It is so thick and dramatic. Like curdled milk. Or possibly blood in the streets.

1450: And so the little boy comes up out of the water. And where’s John Cusack? He is letting the Dramatic TensionTM build. It will be so. Surprising. When he comes up.

1653: Aw, awkward romance between the only two black people on the boat. So awkward and contrived.

1654: Oh look. The little girl has yet another hat.

1654: And another contrived romance, this one between John Cusack and his ex. That is so original.

1656: The seabeds have equalized. That’s nice.

1656: And now ships full of rich white people are going to invade Africa where the dry land is. Nothing could possibly go wrong there.

1658: And we end with a power ballad, except it’s not even sung by Aerosmith. 2012, you are the TaB of disaster movies. You’re not even good enough to be Diet Coke.

So that was a disappointing movie. More explosions, less talking. Seriously. Just an hour and half of nothing but explosions and shit falling over would have been much better.