Categories
rants reference post someone is wrong on the internet

I Give a Homeopathic Fuck About Your Entitled Whining

Dear Sir and/or Madam:

Thank you very much for bringing to my attention the important issue of (circle one):
a) white people losing their privileged position/racial majority in this country
b) your deep feelings that gay people getting married somehow renders your marriage less special
c) your barely concealed rage that we no longer live in a fictionalized version of the 1950s
d) your horror that Christianity is no longer the accepted default religious position and those damn Muslims/Humanists/Atheists/Sikhs/etc insist on existing
e) the basic unfairness of a universe that refuses to allow you to scientifically support your religious/crackpot ideas
f) your deep philosophical point that I am fat/a chick/a chick that doesn’t wear make-up/obviously some kind of lesbo/a hippy pinko feminazi/etc therefore am incapable of being right
g) [write-in space here for issues not covered]

Your opinion is not actually important to me at all. In light of that, please allow me a moment to explain just how little I actually care.

Imagine, if you would, that in the deep recesses of the past my blackened, shriveled excuse for a heart was capable of giving a fuck about you. Not because I thought that you might actually have had a point, but rather because I could recognize your basic humanity and thus stir myself to the level of empathy necessary to give a single, lonely fuck about what you had to say.

This single, sad little fuck ran up against the crushing behemoth of your entitlement. I attempted to engage in reasonable conversation on the misapprehension that such a thing is actually possible in the comments sections of most websites. But then the jaw-dropping assertion that, say, pointing out that straight white men have it kind of easy is somehow racist hit my poor little fuck like a rocket sled crashing into a block of ice. That fuck I gave was easily shattered into at least one hundred pieces, one or two of which I was able to recover for later use.

I would have tried to recover more of my poor, pulverized fuck but you burnt my fingers with your incoherent inability to spell or use even the sophisticated grammar of a second grader and I retreated rather than suffer further.

And then that just kept happening. 

Over and over again, I attempted to give you what remained of that original fuck, and you continued to crush it under the weight of your certitude that life is spectacularly unfair to you because there are people who, shockingly, want the same opportunities you were born with.

Thanks to the internet and the free range of jaw-droppingly stupid opinion available for instant consumption, the fuck I once gave has now been divided and diluted to the point that you could search through every molecule that has ever existed in the universe and find no trace of it.

So at this point, the best I can manage for you is a homeopathic fuck at a dilution somewhere past 400C. Which, if you believed in magic, might actually have some kind of meaning. But given that I’m a woman of reason, it means I literally have no fucks to give you at all. In the entire universe, not one single fuck exists of mine that can be yours in regards to your entitled whining. Ever.

Have a nice day.

Categories
rants writing

Fifty Shades of Pissed Off

I’m probably not going to rant about what you expect. It’s pretty standard these days for struggling writers who haven’t scored their first novel publication yet to go off on bitter, venomous screeds about, for example, Stephanie Meyer or E.L. James and how damn unfair it is that obviously I can string words together in a superior way so where are my millions and by the way I’ve figured out that stalking isn’t love and ARGH.

Whatever. Whether it’s true or not when someone complains about quality of writing and cringe-worthy plot elements, it all comes out sounding like sour grapes anyway, just waiting to be crafted into the finest whine. (See what I did there?)

Actually, I’ve got a much more specific problem with Fifty Shades of Grey that has nothing to do with writing quality. In all honesty I don’t know what the writing is like in that book and I have no intention of ever finding out, because dental surgery sounds more appetizing to me than vampire BDSM erotica. But you know. Whatever floats your boat.

My problem begins and ends with the fact that Fifty Shades of Grey started as fanfiction.

I wrote fanfiction for years before I ever started writing my own original work in any kind of serious way. Hell, I still write fanfiction today in the rare moments I have spare time. (This is me, side-eyeing that unfinished Avengers fanfic that’s staring at me accusingly from the internet.) I still meet people online who remember me from my days of writing Gundam Wing fanfic where Duo murders the shit out of vampires with a narrative flair lovingly borrowed from Laurel K. Hamilton.

This is the thing about fanfiction. You do it because you love someone else’s story. It’s a way for fans to have a conversation with someone else’s art, and for that art to answer back. Fanfiction did amazing things for me. It taught me how to write dialog and how to put together a plot that could span 80K words and still keep people interested.  It’s awesome and fun and a magical way to waste time that you really ought to be using to, say, study for your oceanic geochemistry final because your brain has just melted.

But always, always, always you are in communication with someone else’s art.

Someone else already did the hard work for you. They created the story, the world, and characters that, rightly or wrongly, people like and give a shit about. They worked their ass off to create a base of fans who are now predisposed to seek out and like what you write because they loved the original. Even if you’re writing a complete alternate universe, you are still dipping your toe in a pool that some other person built for you.

At its most basic, it isn’t yours.

And that right there is the thing that just pisses me off about Fifty Shades of Grey. Changing the character names and doctoring the details so that they’re no longer a match doesn’t do anything to alter the fact that the story involved borrowing someone else’s ideas and playing ‘what if?’ with them. And at the point you’re making money off of those ideas, you’re no longer borrowing them – you’re stealing them.

Back in my Gundam Wing days, I actually had a couple of people who really liked my stories suggest that I either just throw them on Lulu (uh, no, I don’t want to get sued if someone notices) or alter them a bit for plausible deniability and self-publish. I never took those suggestions seriously, even though I probably could have done it fairly easily. Hey, that’s what a global find and replace is for, isn’t it? But it wasn’t right. The characters weren’t mine. The concepts weren’t mine. And I knew that tarting them up a bit wouldn’t change anything because what was in my head when I wrote the stories wasn’t from me.

But Rachael, you ask, what about things like Laurie R King’s Mary Russell novels? Or you would if you were some kind of creepy stalker who had broken into my house and observed my bookshelves for a few minutes. Obviously, I’m okay with what is basically fanfiction of Sherlock Holmes being published for profit. I’m okay with things like Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.

This is the difference, and I think it’s an important one. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle is dead. Jane Austen is dead. They’ve both been gone for a long time, and are obviously no longer capable of creating their own stories with their own characters, let alone be financially hurt by someone grabbing their coattails and going for a ride. Frankly, it’s been long enough since those works were created that there’s even an interesting question if modern writers can even add to work because perspectives have changed significantly. And of course, those issues are entirely separate from works that are still under copyright, but are used with permission of the author or estate.

As someone who hopes to have novel credits to her name some day in the near future, the commercial success of Fifty Shades of Grey both infuriates and scares the shit out of me. The success of someone else wouldn’t necessarily diminish my own (in this case purely hypothetical) success, but it’s still, to put it bluntly, unfair.

But really, that pales in comparison to my utter fury as someone who writes fanfiction. As fans, the contract we make with creators is that if they’re nice and let us play with their toys, we’ll give them back in good condition. We admit and revel in the fact that we are playing in someone else’s sandbox. At the risk of sounding melodramatic, Fifty Shades of Grey is a betrayal of what writing fanfic is supposed to be about.

Legal technicalities aside, arguments about just how much resemblance to Twilight is too much aside, that is the issue. There’s plenty of fanfiction out there that bears only a passing resemblance to the work upon which it is based. But normally, the writers have the integrity to admit that their jumping off point wasn’t something that came from within them, and thus it’s not right to try to capitalize on it. It’s cheating.

With how successful Fifty Shades of Grey has been, I won’t be surprised if we see more people taking fanfiction and trying to rewrite it into something with at least a veneer of originality. I’ve never been good at guessing the future, so I’m not going to make any sweeping predictions about how this could change things for fanfiction in general. The communities of fans who share their enthusiasm and stories are so enormous that global or fast change seems highly unlikely. But it does make me sad regardless, because the entire endeavor feels so much less innocent now.

…which I suppose is only fitting since we’re talking something that was originally BDSM porn fanfiction.

Categories
books

Distrust That Particular Flavor

I spent my entire day taking samples of rock out of one plastic bag and transferring them into other plastic bags. For seven hours. I went through over 200 ziplock freezer bags and killed a sharpie. My brain has been reduced to pudding.

So you’d think that wouldn’t be a good mental state for finishing up Distrust That Particular Flavor, the collection of William Gibson’s essays and lectures. Actually, I found it quite refreshing.

If you don’t know who William Gibson is, I suggest you use the Google. And then hang your head in shame as you trudge to the bookstore to purchase a copy of Neuromancer. Also, let me know if that happens so I can melodramatically cut you from my Christmas card list, only I haven’t sent out Christmas cards in years because I don’t hate myself enough to want to address ten thousand envelopes during finals.

There are 25 pieces in the book, plus an introduction. The essays aren’t presented in chronological order. I found this occasionally jarring – skipping between the modern internet and VHS tapes between pages is a little weird even if you grew up with it – but there is also a feeling of forward motion through the pieces that makes the chronological hiccups worth it.

Not every essay is a winner, and the ones you might like will probably be very different from the ones that I like. Each speaks to a very different part of the imagination and experience. But all are written with Gibson’s characteristic rich yet concise prose, and are a pleasure to read even if the topic isn’t one that gets at you on a deeper level.

I actually found the introduction very interesting from the standpoint of a writer. Gibson talks about his fiction and nonfiction coming from two very different places. It’s not something I’ve really thought about, but it’s something that I feel. Whence, when I’m beating myself up with the need to just write something I’m bullshitting my way through essays or even blogs posts because my brain can’t function on a high enough level to write fiction. I’m not egotistical enough to claim some kind of elevated kinship with William Gibson (ha, my wildest dreams) but it made me think. In that case, about my relationship with this particular art.

So many of these essays make you think about your relationship with what is outside yourself. Physical places, technology, history, time.


Dead Man Sings is a short little thing, barely two pages long, but it left me feeling dizzy from its start of “Time moves in one direction, memory in another.”

Disneyland With the Death Penalty, My Own Private Tokyo,  and Shiny Balls of Mud: Hikaru Dorodango and Tokyu Hands are all about place and people rolled together. Particularly the latter two I found fascinating because I did a major in Japanese Language and Culture, and am well acquainted with the feeling of something being both alien and familiar at the same time.

What I love (and simultaneously sometimes don’t love, because it makes me squirm and that is a good thing) about Gibson’s writing, fiction or non, is that it never allows me to feel fully comfortable. There’s always something nibbling at the edges of my brain, a verbal rock in my shoe that I can’t seem to remove. I re-read and mull, sometimes to savor and sometimes just to refine my understanding, sometimes even to drive what I think the point might be home.

From Will We Have Computer Chips in Our Heads? – “Our hardware is evolving at the speed of light, while we are still the product, for the most part, of unskilled labor.” Let that wash back and forth in your brain a bit and see what it dislodges.

I’ve named just a few of the essays, my absolute favorites. They’re all worth reading. And then reading again. Find your own favorites and tell me what they are.

(Also, I finished the book and wrote this somewhat disjointed post while listening to Tron Legacy Reconfigured. If you like electronica at all, find a copy. You can thank me later.)

Categories
colorado lgbt

Shame on you, Rep. McNulty

Well, I got absolutely nothing done after trivia tonight. Rather, I spent the last 100 minutes watching the #coleg tag on Twitter with a growing sense of horror.

It was already a shit night, thanks to voters in North Carolina.

But somehow, the disaster in the Colorado legislature is even worse than that. We had a civil unions bill. There were enough votes for it to pass, because a few Republicans were willing to cross the aisle. But in a move of supreme, mean-spirited cowardice the rest of the Republicans stopped the bill from even going to vote. Representative McNulty deserves extra shame. As Speaker of the House, this anti-democratic move hangs squarely on him.

Apparently when the announcement was made that the civil unions bill was dead – as well as more than thirty pieces of legislation waiting in line behind it – the gallery in the House erupted with chants of “Shame on you!”

Shame indeed. The civil unions bill should have passed. It wasn’t perfect, but it was a step in the right direction. And there were a lot of other things that needed a vote, which are dead now as well. All because the group of Republicans in the state house in Colorado couldn’t face losing fair and square on a vote.

I’m beyond angry and frustrated. I’m tired. I’m tired of the selfish, judgmental bullshit that rules the petty fearmongers who continually attack my lgbt brothers and sisters. I’m tired of assholes claiming that they’re protecting my marriage because by dumb luck I met a man I loved enough to marry before I met a woman I loved enough to marry. I’m tired of people being so blinded by their own smug self-righteousness that they can’t seem to understand that life is damn short, and damn lonely, and if you love someone good for you and it’s no one else’s goddamn business.

I do my best to have faith in humanity. I have faith that fear and hatred will not always rule us. No matter how tired I feel, I will never be so tired I’ll stop fighting. Next year and the year after, no matter how long it takes, I know we’ll all keep fighting. This isn’t over.

Categories
geology history trip report

Welcome to Silent Hill, PA

It’s May 3, 2012. Ten hours to go until the US premiere of Avengers and I’m in central Pennsylvania with a group of friends specifically to see that movie. How to pass the time?

Well, the native of Pennsylvania (my dear friend Rynn) mentions that we’re maybe an hour away from Centralia.

If you’re not a fan of horror videogames or somewhat obscure but recent east coast history, Centralia probably doesn’t ring any bells. It’s the town that was devastated by an underground coal fire. It’s a haunting place where white smoke stinking of sulfur billows from the ground itself and the roads collapse as the fire continues to eat its way through the coal veins. Trees in the area are bleached and blasted by the fumes.

Centralia was the inspiration for the fictional town of Silent Hill, which spawned a successful franchise of survival horror videogames as well as a somewhat less impressive movie. In the original game (Silent Hill) and the movie, it was clear that the billowing white fog engulfing the town was actually smoke and ash from the underground fires. In later games, the fog was left to be more traditional water vapor and the mining town history fell by the wayside.

Needless to say, as a fan of the games, I leap at the chance to see Centralia.

If you’re expecting someplace as haunting and creepy as the video game setting, I can’t guarantee that Centralia will deliver. On the day we go, the fires aren’t burning with particular ferocity – the air is almost entirely clear. It’s sunny and more than a little muggy, the surrounding hills bursting with plant life in a way I’m still not used to as a resident of Colorado. But the trip is perhaps more interesting because it’s nothing like what I expect.

There are two halves to a look at Centralia. There’s the town itself – or what’s left of it – and a closed-off portion of road that used to be part of Route 61.

The actual Route 61 now circumvents this section, swinging wide between two hills to avoid the slowly extending fire damage that undermines the landscape. But if you follow the road north out of Ashland, you’ll come to a cemetery at the top of a hill before you hit the next town. Park nearby and the old section of Route 61 isn’t hard to find.

It’s utterly deserted, but you can still hear the sounds of traffic from the nearby reroute. The road itself is covered with graffiti. Apparently when you’re a teenager in rural central Pennsylvania, this is what you do for a good time on a Friday night. Most of the graffiti is penis-based, or names and dates from visitors. There are a disturbing number of swastikas that have been drawn on the asphalt. And here and there are nerd shout-outs to the other reason people come here, the one that doesn’t involve drinking and drawing cartoonish genitalia – Welcome to Silent Hill, PA and There was a hole here. Now it’s gone. The road surface buckles, wavers, and cracks, broken-up graffiti showing that the surface destruction is recent and continuing as the subterranean fires march ever onward.

I think in the future, I’m going to have a hard time seeing how clean the roads look in post-apocalyptic future visions. Because if there is even one remaining teenager in the world, and one remaining can of spray paint, it seems almost inevitable that things will end up covered in dicks.

Getting into the remains of the town itself requires backtracking and going around the side of the hill. Rynn’s GPS unit still shows the ghost of streets that no longer exist. At the base of the hill, a few houses still stand, and are obviously occupied. The rest are empty lots surrounded by low stone walls, showing where houses once existed.

Further up the hill, the destruction of Centralia is total, and largely man-made. If the streets were ever paved, they aren’t any more. It’s dirt and gray gravel now, slices of thinly-laminated black shale showing through where runoff has carried away the surface soil. The black shale crawls with tiny, bright pink mites that look like they should belong to a 1980s Atari game.

There were obviously once houses up and down this hill, but nothing remains, just flattened lots that have plainly been bulldozed.

Broken up bricks and concrete are still visible, the remains of walls and foundations that haven’t been completely removed. The ground is littered with broken glass and shotgun shells; I guess since unpaved tracks don’t provide the same graffiti opportunities, this part of the disaster is used as a shooting range. Strange little bits of civilization still peep out of the surrounding trees, like this wooden utility pole.

This is where it finally begins to feel eerie, seeing these ghostly remains of what was once a town. There are a lot of reasons for the government to have seen to the destruction of the unoccupied houses. With toxic fumes rising from the ground, allowing abandoned buildings to stand and invite squatters is a potentially lethal proposition. They’d be fire hazards. And it’s a way to discourage gawkers like myself from picking over the bones of Centralia.

But all the same, it’s disquieting to see there was once life and it has been so plainly removed.

And even on this clear, beautiful day, there is a reminder of the fires that still rage through the coal seams. Smoke isn’t billowing, but the air smells faintly and pervasively of sulfur. There are holes in the ground from which wispy smoke drifts. Like a ghost, it doesn’t photograph, but it’s there to see with your own eyes.

Seeing smoke come out of the ground is something that disturbs a deep, primal portion of your brain. The smoke stinks like matches, and you know that’s bad and you really should just get the hell away. Even worse, when the breeze shifts and the smoke washes over you, it’s notably hotter than the muggy air. You feel it like breath on your face.

And you let yourself imagine that this might just be a little hint of hell. Because an endlessly burning, unquenchable fire that burns slowly underground, eatings its way through the bones of old trees certainly fits the bill. In that moment, sunny day or no, you’re still waiting to hear the old air-raid sirens.

Epilogue

There’s something else you can see from the ruins of Centralia, which sums up so much of the way the region feels to an outsider like myself.

Throughout the region, there are enormous, flat topped tailings piles, the remains of open-pit mines where machinery has chewed up all the coal and spat out the pieces we didn’t want to burn. They are ugly sores on the landscape, though you do see places where plants have begun to move back in. From Centralia, standing in the bulldozed shadow of a house, you can see one of these flat-topped monstrosities lined with the graceful white forms of enormous windmills, blades turning slowly in the breeze.

With the stink of sulfurous coal smoke permeating the air, the windmills really do feel like a distant promise, one that you might be able to reach if you can just stretch your arms far enough.

For a little more about the history of Centralia and its underground fire here is one site.
For the rest of my pictures from Centralia you can look through my online album.

Categories
fitness for fat nerds

Fitness for Fat Nerds: What Not to Wear

Exercise can be rough enough without feeling uncomfortable while you’re doing it. Particularly when you’re getting started, there are enough distractions from the actual exercise without adding uncomfortable clothes into the mix.

So that’s rule number one: Be comfortable.

You’re not going to do your best if you’re wearing tiny shorts that have dedicated themselves to giving you a wedgie, if you’re dying from heat, if your pants are trying to fall down or trying to squeeze the life out of you. Don’t wear jeans for running. Just don’t. Ladies, get a real sports bra. You’ll thank me.

Corollary to rule number one: Don’t worry about how you look.

The secret is that no one looks good when they’re exercising. Or if they do, I’d hazard a guess that they’re not working as hard as they could be. You’re going to get sweaty and gross. If you’re like me and have the approximate complexion of a ghost, your face is going to glow so bright red you might as well be a tomato. And you know what? That’s fine. You’re not exercising because you’re trying to impress your next hot date. (At least you sure shouldn’t be.) You’re exercising because it’s a thing you do for fun and health, because it makes you feel damn good. You’re doing this for yourself, not to show off for anyone else.

So stop worrying about how you look. Don’t pick your clothes based on sexiness, since no one looks sexy after sweating for half an hour straight. (Also, if you’re someone that wears makeup, I would really recommend you leave that off  when you’re working out, since that just makes it harder to sweat.) Don’t worry about pit stains or soaking your collar down. That’s what effort looks like, baby.

Rule number two: There can be a definite difference between mental and physical comfort, and you need to pick which one is most important.

This is particularly true during the late spring and summer, when it’s going to be hot. Of course, one way to beat the heat is to expose a lot more skin. That’ll see to your physical comfort. However, if you’re in the same fat nerd boat as me, you’re not exactly mentally comfortable with having a lot of your body exposed to the ravages of the Day Star. So you’re going to have to pick – would you rather be cool, or keep yourself better covered?

It’s a personal choice. I tend to split the difference and wear sleeveless things during the summer, since that lets my arms radiate a lot of heat away. But even in the most ridiculous weather, I still wear long pants because I’m simply not comfortable exposing that much skin. And that’s okay. I’ve decided that I’d rather be a little hotter than necessary so that I’m not fighting the constant distraction of my own mental discomfort about wearing shorts. You just have to find out the comfortable balance for you.

Rule number three: Dress for how you’re going to feel for the bulk of your run/ride/etc.


This is something you’re going to have to learn with experience, but how you feel about the temperature outside as you’re starting is nothing like how you’ll feel about it after about five to ten minutes of exercise. This normally ends up meaning that you don’t need to dress nearly as warmly as you think you do, or be prepared to strip layers as you go. But this is something experience will teach you, since it’s a little different for each person.

Rule number four: Cheap is good


You don’t have to buy expensive clothes for working out. In fact, please don’t. This is stuff you’re going to sweat, snot, and possibly bleed on. Unless you really get into it (eg: you bike 30 miles a day and want a nice jersey and a pair of good bike shorts) there’s no reason to get fancier than an old t-shirt most of the time. You may need to invest a little bit of money to begin with so you have something to run in other than jeans (trust me, it’s worth shelling out $10 for a pair of el cheapo athletic pants in that case) but don’t go overboard. A lot of the time, the fancy stuff is completely unnecessary, or at the most you may want it if you’re doing your exercise for hours a day, every day. It’s just not worth the investment if you’re exercising casually.

With those rules in mind, I thought I’d show you a couple examples of what I normally wear for exercising, in case that’s helpful.

Winter



Of this entire outfit, the only piece I bought specifically for running is the zip-up sweatshirt, which I got from a thrift store for $4. I recommend zip-ups for running because you can take them off on the go very easily and then just tie them around your waist. Other than that, it’s an old t-shirt, kung fu pants, and a hat. I don’t normally wear gloves even in the winter unless it’s really windy, because my hands act as my main radiators. Even if I start out cold, about five minutes in I’d be stripping my gloves off so I can get rid of some heat. At that point it’s just easier to tuck my hands in my sleeves for the first five minutes.

Summer

Sleeveless shirt that I got on sale for $10. Running pants that I also got on sale for $10. Looks good to me. I also wear the kung fu pants a lot during the summer, but these are nice. You can’t see in the picture, but they’re basically two layers of light fabric with lots of tiny holes in them for air flow. It works surprisingly well. But I acquired both of these fine items at a fancy store you might be familiar with – Target.

I’ve found Target and Wal-mart a lot more useful for having athletic clothing plus-size women can wear than normal sports equipment stores, actually.

Socks



This is one of the few places where I break my own rule about not buying clothes specifically for exercise, or buying the cheapest possible clothes. I love my running socks in ways that are probably illegal in several states. If I try to wear normal socks with my running shoes, I end up in sock-bunching-up Hell, which is not conducive to getting into the zone. I also tend to get socks with a little extra arch support, since that’s something I personally require. Your mileage may vary.

Bandana

Except for the middle of winter, I always, always wear a bandana. This is because I sweat ridiculous amounts, and it also functions to keep my hair out of my face. They’re cheap and I can’t recommend them enough.

Categories
Uncategorized

The Mysterious Brotherhood of Shoulder Surgery Patients

I’m starting to think there’s something wrong with me. Mentally, I mean, since what’s physically wrong with me is as plain as the sling in which my right arm’s been trapped. But I’ve always gotten the impression that days on the couch with the cheerful company of the TV and absolutely no responsibility is supposed to be some kind of vacation paradise.

I’m losing my mind here. The high point of my day was going to Kohl’s and buying two pairs of pants. Considering my normal feelings about clothes shopping (somewhere between a shark attack and being trapped in a room with a drunk frat boy who thinks his Adam Sandler impression is amazing) that in itself is alarming. And pants? Really? It’s almost like my subconscious  took its chance to shred my previous pair of Ugly Comfy Pants knowing that I wouldn’t be able to survive another day wandering aimlessly around my house, and my inability to wear pants without an elastic waistband was just the perfect excuse.

Yesterday I went grocery shopping with my mother, because it got me out of the house. Staring drunkenly at the selection of malt-o-meal cereals sounded better than watching another episode of Grimm because even if I like the show, too much of a good thing does exist.

I really wish I could concentrate long enough to read some papers. Or write without pausing every few minutes for a micro-nap, which I’m sure is making this list of complaints more disjointed than it needs to be.

Things are looking up. I’ve arranged to have my stitches taken out on 4/30. But I found out I’m not allowed to ride my bike for at least 6 weeks. I know that’s actually very quick as recoveries go, but considering I was averaging 100 miles per week before surgery, it feels grim indeed. I hope next week I’ll be able to start running. It just depends on when I cut out the percocet entirely, since I can barely stay awake, let alone do complicated tasks like walking or peeling my own hard boiled eggs.

I think I would make a terrible drug addict. All percocet has done so far is make me vomit and render me incapable of focusing on anything even as inane as a blog post. I can’t wait to be rid of the stuff.

Everywhere I go, I seem to be part of a Mysterious Brotherhood of Shoulder Patients. Complete strangers walk up to me and ask about my operation, share their own horror stories about physical therapy and recovery. So far I have learned that shoulder surgery sucks, intensely, in ways that the doctors carefully don’t warn you about in advance, not that you have a choice by the time surgery has become a necessity.

I’ve also learned that I’m almost unspeakably lucky. 2-3 months of recovery is unheard of; everyone that’s spoken to me so far was in the 9-12 range. I’m lucky that it was bone rubbing bone, not torn tendons. Bone heals fast.

So as much as I want to whine about the couch and tv and ohgodjustletmetakeawalk, I know I’m lucky. I’m young and healthy and can easily count down the weeks until I can get back to my insane level of activity.

That doesn’t make it any less bizarre, though, when I’m begging a friend to take me to Costco so I can stare at the enormous buckets of frozen peel-n-eat shrimp. I’m beginning to understand how sailors of the past could spend years carving intricate designs into what is effectively trash, only at least those lucky bastards had two functioning hands. The best I can do is price tubs of mayonnaise and reflect on the hope that maybe tomorrow I can cut my dose down to something that’ll allow me to compose coherent sentences while I scrub my hair one-handed in the shower.

Categories
the human body is made of bullshit

My Arm Is an Alien

There is an alien clamped on to my right shoulder, bonelessly flowing down to my fingertips. It’s heavy like lead and limp. I poke and prod and feel nothing but gelatinous flesh over toneless muscle, skin strangely warm. Poke and prod and there’s no sensation, just the vague, uncomfortable notion that it should feel like something but it belongs to someone else. When I stand, my arm swings in its sling like a dead weight dangling from a crane. It bounces off the edge of a sink, a dull thud the only indication anything has happened.

I stare at my half curled fingers and tell them to move. Sometimes there’s a vague twitch, sometimes nothing, and every now and then a movement, a real movement masked with the feeling of pins and needles.

This is what a nerve block feels like.

#

My skin is sketched with purple marker lines and stained with betadine. I thought it was dried blood, collected on the back of my shoulder and in my armpit, but when Mike wiped it away the paper towel turned the color of orange crush.

#

I have pictures of the inside of my shoulder now. They are an alien landscape, clean and very pale. We have a strange notion that the inside of our bodies should be slick and red, too much TV I suppose. When we haven’t been cut or perforated, our blood stays neatly hidden away.

My bicep tendon is pristine, smooth and the color of a hard boiled egg in the pictures. This is a relief; the doctor had been worried, thought he might have to trim it or cut it entirely, though counter to intuition he told me such an eventuality would not interfere with the functioning of my arm.

The pictures of my AC joint are the only thing not pristine. The surface looks like road rash has snuck inside my body, red and ragged. I look at the picture and think, this is what pain looks like. Since November there has been grinding, popping, crunching, like my joint is a breakfast cereal instead of bone with an important function.

When the anesthesiologist, a  cheerful man named Kevin who joked about getting me stoned for 4/20, poked my shoulder, he felt the crackle of that damage. Caught between revulsion and fascination, he poked it again. He’d already put drugs in my IV. I didn’t care.

#

I was drunk and giggling when they wheeled me into the OR. They had to strap my arm down as I flopped it around with giggling abandon, still not fully in the grips of the nerve block.

I woke up in panic after the surgery. I cried and hyperventilated, shaking and shivering uncontrollably.  They asked me what was wrong and I couldn’t articulate anything beyond more gasps. I didn’t know what was wrong, only that my chest was tight with panic.

The anesthesiologist, not nearly as cheerful, ordered demerol and versed. I went back to sleep in the large, open recovery room.

#

I’m typing this, one pecked letter at a time with my left hand, sitting on my couch, Mac airbook across my lap.

Even slow and frustrating, I can’t manage to not write.

#

The second time I woke up, it was like coming out of a pleasant nap. I wanted to sleep more but was too warm. I kicked off the blankets, making a tangled mess like a toddler. The nurse gave me a cup of water. When I drank it down and asked for more, she gave me a choice for more. Apple juice, apple sauce, graham crackers, to continue the theme.

After they let me out, I had tacos at Jack-n-Grill. You can eat those one handed.

#

I don’t get to take a shower for three days, when I’m allowed to change my dressing. I wonder if I will be desperate enough to ask Mike to wash my hair in the sink.

For now my head is surprisingly clear. The painkillers are supposed to wait until the nerve block wears off. Until then, they would be wasted. I’m to start taking them as the numbness begins to fade, so I won’t just be hit with pain like a truck.

I don’t want to be in pain. But I’m almost looking forward to it because my arm will belong to me again.

Categories
Uncategorized

Fitness for Fat Nerds Will Return

I apologize for not having any posts for the last couple of weeks. Unfortunately, I’m going to be out of commission for at least another week. I’m having shoulder surgery tomorrow. (Bone is getting removed from the end of my clavicle so hopefully that will fix the extremely painful shoulder problems I’ve been having since November.) And in anticipation of that surgery making it impossible for me to do much desk work for at least a week, I had to rush to finish describing my first core and get the strat column for it drawn up and sent to my advisor. Which I managed to finish (thank goodness!) but only just.

So, I will see you (relatively speaking) in a week or two once my right arm is no longer restricted to a sling. Take care and maybe run a few miles for me, since I don’t expect to get a lot of exercise done while I’m sitting on the couch in a fog of prescription painkillers.

Categories
colorado

You know you’re from Colorado if…

My mother forwarded this e-mail to me, and I’ve kept all of the ones that I think are true.

  • You eat ice cream in the winter. (Who doesn’t?)
  • It snows 5 inches and you don’t expect school to be cancelled.
  • You’ll wear flip flops every day of the year, regardless of temperature.
  • You have no accent at all, but can hear other people’s. And then you make fun of them.
  • “Humid” is over 25%. (And the horrible things it does to my hair…)
  • Your sense of direction is: Toward the mountains and away from the mountains. (My husband still doesn’t get this, even after living here for seven years.)
  • You say “the valley highway” and everybody knows which interstate you’re talking about,
  • You think that May is a totally normal month for a blizzard. (Any month is a normal month for a blizzard.)
  • You buy your flowers to set out on Mother’s day, but try and hold off planting them until just before Father’s day.
  • You grew up planning your Halloween costumes around your coat. (Puffiest unicorn EVER.)
  • You know what the Continental Divide is. (Both a location and an excellent beer.)
  • You don’t think Coors beer is that big a deal. (…does anyone?)
  • You went to Casa Bonita as a kid, AND as an adult.
  • You’ve gone off-roading in a vehicle that was never intended for such activities.
  • You always know the elevation of where you are.
  • You wake up to a beautiful, 80 degree day and you wonder if it’s going to snow later.
  • You don’t care that some company renamed it, the Broncos still play at Mile High Stadium.
  • You actually know that South Park is a real place, not just a hilarious show on TV.
  • You know what a ‘trust fund hippy’ is, and you know its natural habitat is Boulder.
  • It’s still “Elitches,” not “Six Flags.”
  • A bear on your front porch doesn’t bother you.
  • When people back East tell you they have mountains in their state too, you just laugh.
  • You go anywhere else on the planet and the air feels “sticky” and you notice the sky is no longer blue.

And here’s a few of my own:

  • You know the Colorado Creep as a driving maneuver, not just what your underwear does when you’ve been hiking too long.
  • You instinctively know how to dress in layers for every occasion.
  • You’ve ever considered wearing your hiking boots to a job interview, because they’re the nicest shoes you own.
  • You know that all the bad drivers come from California and Texas. Yeah. That’s the problem.
  • Your bicycle is probably worth more than your car.
  • You go to other states and are shocked by how few marijuana dispensaries there are.
  • You think the Platte is a big river.
  • You’ve seen the world from 14,000 feet but you’ve never seen the ocean. (True for me well into my twenties.)
  • You’ve made it to the top of the Flatirons, and I don’t mean the mall.
  • You have to keep a checklist of which breweries you still need to try out.

Anything to add, my Colorado friends?