Tag: liveblog

Categories
tv

[Liveblog] Sleepy Hollow, episode two

Well, I think it will be liveblog-ish. I’m actually kind of excited about this episode. We’ll see if I’m disappointed. (Though I already know Sleepy Hollow will never disappoint me like The Following did, because there is always sassiness in it.)

Aaaaand here we go!

Thank you Ichabod voiceover for reminding us what happened last time.

2001: Running through the woods, you’re running through the woods, chased by Blucifer’s family.

2002: Ah, it’s a nightmare. You know, if my dreams foreshadowed plot like seems to happen in TV, I’d have gone to work naked and chased my cats endlessly through the Kroger while being peppered with thrown shoes.

2003: Ichabod’s dead wife is now explaining the whole plot again. You can tell she’s a witch because she’s wearing a sexy black dress. And what do you mean one of you? Didn’t she try to make the point she wasn’t an evil witch?

2004: Hello no shirt and… slightly floppy poopy drawers.

2005: Seriously, they’re claiming that John Cho ran into the mirror so hard he turned into a pez dispenser? DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW ANATOMY WORKS?

2005: The recap continues as we point out what a fish out of water Ichabod is, but that’s okay because he’s being adorable and unable to figure out how showers and lights work. I do love the sticky notes everywhere.

2006: Abbie has been sternly warned to not embarrass the Captain while he’s gone. I smell the inevitable embarrassment coming.

2008: Ichabod likes him some donut holes. Abbie, this is really not the time to go dissing the man’s dead wife.

2009: Ichabod’s main functions, I think, are to look adorably confused and say dark and portentous things while staring moodily at the camera.

2009: Welcome back, Pez Dispenser Cho. He has wrinkly old lady neck now. The vague grodiness of this is weirding my housemate out. It’s lovely.

2010: I like the title sequence, but could we have a color other than gray please?

2013: Someone needs to explain inflation to Ichabod. And I look forward to the foreshadowed story of why his dead wife didn’t like him. And I love his outrage at a 10% tax. I can tell the writers are having some fun with that.

2015: Apparently the healthcare plan you get with being a demonic minion doesn’t come with a plastic surgery option. Poor evil John Cho.

2016: In which Ichabod figures out the thing the audience knew immediately.

2016: What I want to know is how the demon can raise John Cho from the dead and make him barf up a necklace, but can’t manage to put a necklace on a post and deliver his own damn cryptic message.

2018: Geeze, now random people are making evil John Cho feel self conscious about his old lady neck.. Rude. (Though he does look nicely gross and dead, doesn’t he. Apparently so gross and dead that he killed the starter in this guy’s car.)

2019: Well known fact: witches summon their own theme music with their auras. (Hm, I can already smell a music collection for this series…)

2021: More review and backstory, this time about the sheriff. Oh wow, Abbie had a shady past. That’s kind of neat, how she got to be friends with her old partner.

2023: Ichabod apparently knows way more about this supernatural shit than he let on before…

2027: THERE’S BODIES EVERYWHERE CHOPPER GO CHOPPER GO oh wait, wrong thing.

2028: Serilda? Cerelda? She has a name that is impossible to spell, she must be a witch. And an evil witch.

2029: Well, hello man in tight black shirt who is randomly hostile. Hi Luke, have you pissed on the door frame yet? Geeze what a portrait of wounded and back patting masculinity. (Oh, he’s the ex. Oh. Blahblahblah.)

2031: Oh wow, they keep nice toys in their fire cabinets. None of this plain old fire axe bullshit.

2032: It’s a tunnel, Abbie. Isn’t that kind of obvious?

2037: A cache of gunpowder. I’m sure this will not be significant later in this episode or a future episode. Just in case something needs to be blown up. As you do.

2038: Evil John Cho, you are the creepiest police officer ever.

2039: “It’s getting dark.” *puts on sunglasses*

2039: Ah, today Ichabod got eidetic memory from the Power Of The Month Club.

2040: Oh dear… they made her an evil witch and Romany. Er.

2041: OH SHIT THE NOISE WAS JUST THE CAT RUN KID FUCKING RUUUUUUUN

2047: The kid is saved by adoption. COP OUT.

2047: Oh god Abbie never do that again.

2048: Poor evil John Cho. You just can’t catch a break. And all he wants is some thanks from the evil undead witch but nooooooo.

2048: “We’ll cover more ground if we separate.” Okay Ichabod has an excuse, he’s never seen a horror movie. BUT COME ON ABBIE.

2049: Evil John Cho can just stop his bitching now. He might have old lady neck, but he can apparently disappear at will. FAIR TRADE.

2053: And we have returned to the gunpowder cache. That was quick.

2054: HOW ARE THEY NOT COVERED WITH BITS OF WITCH?

2055: Aww, Ghost Sheriff. NO ONE STAYS DEAD IN THIS GODDAMN TOWN.

2057: Well, at least he’s sassy. He’s incredibly unhelpful, though. Number 49, really? COME ON.

2058: Ah, her sister is in room 49.

2059: She’s doing chin ups. That’s how you can tell she’s a tough girl. Getting a definite Sarah Conner vibe from her, and there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that.

And that’s it for this week. I’m looking forward to next week. If that’s the demon guy, they’ve made him look nicely creepy.

Categories
liveblog tv

[Liveblog] In Which I Watch the First Episode of Sleepy Hollow

Technically speaking, spoilers for the first episode follow.

As pilots go for shows, I felt like this one was incredibly well put together. The show knows what it wants to be, who the main characters are, and laid out the major over-arching plot and premise for the show. Ichabod (Tom Mison) and Abbie (Nicole Behari) had incredibly good chemistry considering that this was the first episode. The special effects are a bit cheesey, particularly whenever they bring in cgi, but they didn’t actually lean on that too much. I thought the writing was pretty good, the dialog was mostly snappy (though it got a bit stilted and you’re trying way too hard to be clever in a few places) and it ought to be fun the same way Supernatural is fun.

And that’s because the concept is silly in the same way Supernatural is delightfully silly. Same Book of Revelations quasi-Biblical stuff, which I know is a wonderful mine for supernatural fun. The Headless Horseman is no longer a nameless Hessian who is just pissed off he took a cannonball to the face; he’s now Death himself, doing his part to end the world. Ichabod is now linked to the Horseman with some sort of magic, and he was also married to a witch apparently, though she never told him. (You can tell she’s a real witch because later in the show she appears in one if his dreams wearing a low cut black dress.)

Considering one of the selling points touted for this show was that it had writers who previously brought us Transformers and the new Star Trek, my expectations were admittedly not high. But I certainly enjoyed the pilot more than I enjoyed any of the Transformers movies. And no one ran away from an explosion in slow motion, so there’s that too. (Okay, I know that one was probably Michael Bay’s fault, not that of the writers.) The characters certainly had enough dimension to keep me interested even if the tropes made me roll my eyes a little now and then. (Gosh, thank goodness Abbie’s partner wad a Scrapbooking Guy so we could hey the back story info dump out of the way.)

What I honestly struck me the most was I felt the show did make an effort to have a diverse cast. One of the main characters is a woman of color, and there were other prominent non-white characters. (This has been on my mind thanks to the recent #DiversityinSFF talk if nothing else.) And I’m really excited about Abbie as a character because Nicole Beharie gave her some depth right off the bat. I’m looking forward to seeing her develop more. I’d be interested to hear the thoughts of others on this point, for certain.

All right, Sleepy Hollow, you’ve got me. You had fun, and you have sassy characters and some silly supernatural bullshit. AND A HEADLESS GUY WITH AN ASSAULT RIFLE. That’s really all I expect out of a Monday night tv show. I’ll keep watching.

(Liveblog below)

Continue reading “[Liveblog] In Which I Watch the First Episode of Sleepy Hollow”
Categories
liveblog Uncategorized

Liveblog: Ring of Fire, Part 2

All right, I’m coming back for more. Same rules as usual, I’ll be updating the liveblog every five minutes or so. Unfortunately if you want to play at home, I can’t help you at the moment. I’m watching part two on the DVR.

I know you’re terribly sad to be missing this.

WHEN LAST WE LEFT OUR INTREPID ACTORS, a volcano had just erupted because compressed magma (argh what even) and oil look EXACTLY THE SAME to their bullshit made-up technology. And now the entire world might explode because as we know, all volcanoes are actually connected, which is why every time a volcano erupts, every other one in the world does as well. (Wait, that’s not how it works?)

Oh, and the Yellowstone caldera is apparently now part of the Ring of Fire, which is news to everyone except for Dr. Cooper, the hot geologist with an aneurysm that is bad enough to be a dramatic plot device but apparently not bad enough to warrant emergency surgery.

Liveblog commencing in 10… 9… 8….

Continue reading “Liveblog: Ring of Fire, Part 2”
Categories
geology liveblog tv

Liveblog: Ring of Fire, Part 1

All right, I’m going to do it. Apparently it’s THE COUNTDOWN TO MELTDOWN. Or something.

Same rules as usual – I will update the liveblog every five minutes or so. If you’re reading this on LJ or Dreamwidth you’ll need to come to the blog at katsudon.net to see the updates most likely, though I think edits are now supposed to push through so we’ll see.

If you’d like to play at home, this likely stinker of a miniseries is on Reelz. Yes, with a Z.

Liveblog commencing in 10… 9… 8…

Continue reading “Liveblog: Ring of Fire, Part 1”
Categories
liveblog

Urge to liveblog… rising…

I mean. Look at it. Just look at it.

Gratuitous Mt. St. Helens reference? Check.

Ridiculous implication that somehow all volcanoes are connected and therefore THEY WILL ALL BLOW UP AT ONCE EHRMERGAHD? Check.

Gratuitous Yellowstone reference sure to guarantee a fresh crop of concerned people who will ask me when Yellowstone is going to blow up and kill us all? Check (Answer, by the way: “Soon” in geology speak. Which means chances are we’ll probably have killed our own species off before Yellowstone gets around to erupting.)

But best of all – THE ERUPTION OF A BRAZILLION VOLCANOES BLAMED ON OIL WELLS? CHECK BABY. CHECK CHECK CHECK.

Just. Wow.

Bonus for what appears to be a bomb being dropped into a magma chamber. Because everyone knows that the way you keep a composite volcano from exploding is… uh… blowing it up first.

Because science.

Well, there’s my incentive to buckle down and get lots of work done in the morning. Part 1 of this hot (har har) mess is repeating at 4 pm my time tomorrow, followed by part 2. I don’t know if I have the strength.

Categories
doctor who liveblog stuff in the uk

Liveblog of the 2012 Doctor Who Christmas Special

Yes, I am in England, which means I get to see it before most of my friends HAHAHAHA

Needles to say, SPOILERS.

1715 Snowflakes with sharp teeth. This feels so Nightmare Before Christmas!

1715 When an evil snowman with the voice of Sir Ian McKellen asks a creepy loner if he wants help, magical things are bound to happen.

1716 “I said I’d feed you. I didn’t say who to.” Even his grammar is evil.

1717 Scariest snowman ever. I love it. They have sharp teeth and angry eyes.

1719 SCREAM IT’S MADAM VASTRA. Who is wise to the Doctors terrible habit of picking up chicks everywhere he goes.

1720 And we have a show name! “Doctor? Doctor who?”

1720 Matt Smith in a top hat is a lovely sight. I approve.

1720 “Ice remembers.” I’m sensing a theme here.

1721 HAHAHA ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE BASED SHERLOCK HOLMES ON MADAM VASTRA. “A woman and her suspiciously intimate companion.” Eeeee and Vastra is married to Jenny so she resents the implication of impropriety.

1723 Alien snow? “When you see something new… what’s the next thing you look for?” “A grenade!” I love this little Sontaran (Strax) so very much. He’s my favorite “psychotic potato dwarf.”

1725 After all that time saving the Earth and the Earth doesn’t care. Aw, poor Doctor needs a hug.

1727 Don’t think about snowmen! And then they melt if you think about it hard enough, which seems a bit silly.

1730 The invisible staircase is very pretty. But also very impractical. Neat way to get to the TARDIS though, floating on a cloud.

1732 “Tomorrow the snow shall fall and so will mankind!” Oh Doctor Who, you are so silly. Never change.

1733 In-carriage costume change! And suddenly she’s gone to a prim governess. Apparently she’s Mary Poppins?

1735 TMW your employer calls you pretty and then says he just meant young. SUBTLE.

1737 “Do not attempt to escape or you will be obliterated. May I take your coat?” STRAX I LOVE YOU.

1738 Madam Vastra wants one word answers. Two questions like why. Oh but she is good.

1740 And then an even tougher one. Oh my god Madam Vastra is so cool. Explain danger and why he should help in only one word. The answer of “pond” is a real punch in the stomach, ain’t it Doctor.

1741 LOL AND THEN THE DOCTOR PRETENDS TO BE SHERLOCK HOLMES. And he is so utterly terrible at it.

1741 …what is that pun even. No. Bad Doctor.

1742 “Shut up I’m making deductions it’s very exciting.” OH GOSH.

1744 “Madam Vastra wanted to know if you needed any grenades… she might have said help.” STRAX I LOVE YOU.

1744 “I’m the clever one. You’re the potato one… you’re not clever or funny and you’ve got tiny little legs!”

1745 Even the Doctor’s own hand doesn’t listen to him.

1747 An evil governess made of ice. That’s a new one.

1747 Not sure how I feel about the Doctor and hand puppets.

1749 “It’s okay I’m your governess’ gentleman friend and we’ve just been upstairs uh… uh… kissing!” YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG, DOCTOR.

1749 “Hello I am a lizard woman from the dawn of time and this is my wife.” Maid: SCREAMS Us: Squeal with delight.

1752 Wow, getting the kissing on early I see.

1753 Stupid is the Doctor’s thing. That’s amazing.

1754 “My eyes are always front.” “Mine aren’t.” And thus Clara says the thing all women have been thinking ever.

1754 The staircase is taller on the inside. Oh that is clever.

1755 Now sure how I feel about the redo on the decoration for the TARDIS. The central column makes me think of a carousel.

1756 Aha callback to the other episode the actress was in. Well we knew Steven Moffat would desperately find some link. Guess we’ll see it. Wow, and he’s already giving her a key? That was quick. “Me, giving in.” Awwww.

1757 And apparently we were so busy being cute we totally forgot about the evil ice governess and… there goes Clara really? Well that was even quicker. They’ve introduced this woman twice and killed her both times. Yeesh.

1759 Oh Strax. You are the most comforting.

1805 Ah, the return of the memory worm. That’s fun.

1805 Somehow I doubted it would be that easy. It’s Sir Ian McKellen for goodness sake.

1806 …winter is coming, really? I think nerdpanties everywhere just got wetter.

1808 An all it took was a whole family crying on Christmas Eve? That’s a bit… yeah.

1810 Another reference to souffle girl.

1811 The woman keeps dying! “Remember, we shall meet again.” Oh, that’s kind of fun. “Watch me run.” Yeah this could be an interesting series. Wonder if they’ll kill her in every episode like Kenny.

Categories
liveblog movie

Liveblog of Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale

So apparently this is a thing. Which I have been lucky enough to find on British television at 0200, and how can you say no to cannibal Santa Claus?

We join our show, already in progress. Any mistakes in detail, please forgive because it’s early in the morning and the movie is subtitled in English with dialog in Finnish.

Prior to this, an ugly American archaeologist on top of a mountain found something in a bit of ice and made a stirring speech to an incredibly unimpressed excavation crew in yellow hard hats as two little kids look on. Shortly after one of them, a little boy, looks the most awesome Christmas book ever which involves line drawings of Santa sitting on a pile of skulls.

The little boy is worried and runs around in an ugly red sweater and a pair of navy blue underpants and has an odd conversation with his father, who is butchering a pig as they speak. It’s quite surreal.

And now… go!

0215 There are a lot of very lovely shots of snowmobiles traveling serenely over a snowy landscape back and forth between Cannibal Santa Mountain.

0215 Herd of dead reindeer. Man with ear flap hat and large beard #1: Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas indeed, sir.

0216 Apparently this is the work of Russian wolves, who are badass motherfuckers. Hungry badass motherfuckers, since it’s 433 dead reindeer.

0218 Underwear boy pokes up one of the corpses with a stick to reveal a humanoid footprint. He’s already seen pictures of cannibal Santa walking barefoot through the snow. “He must have been hungry.” YEAH NO SHIT KID. How he is not shitting himself in terror already I do not know.

0222 “The real Santa was different. The Coca-Cola Santa is just a hoax.” That’s kind of beautiful. And accompanied by a picture of evil Santa putting a screaming child into a cauldron.

0223 This kid is an amazing researcher. He has the whole 411 on how evil Santa ended up buried in a giant hill.

0224 Ugly sweater kid is also, I will note, constantly walking around with a hunting rifle longer than he is tall slung across his back. And is now wearing hockey pads. His dad is manly enough to wear a pink floral apron and bake his son cookies. They’re kind of an awesome little family.

0226 For the record, Ugly sweater kid’s name is Pietari. I will probably just call him Ugly Sweater Kid, or USK for short.

0229 The logos for the excavation site look like Christmas wreaths. I find this incredibly amusing. And of course, the crew is American. And a man with thick calves in tights kills them all, sending their hardhats scattering.

0232 USK and his dad have matching guns. I am very amused that USK runs around with this rifle (actually I think it’s a pump-action shotgun? But I fail at guns) and under one arm he has a stuffed animal. Anyway, there was a pig head hanging out as bait and now it’s going. USK and his dad go to investigate, and the dad sees a bloody human hand, then immediately pulls the, “It’s nothing, but you can’t see it.” This never works.

0234 USK’s stuffed animal is named Vuppe by the way.

0235 This movie is giving me a very strange impression of the Finnish. Mostly that they are very stern and shout a lot.

0235 USK’s dad helps another man drag a corpse in a tarp into the slaughterhouse. The other man is dressed like Santa. Maybe this is a Finnish thing too. But apparently he’s not evil cannibal Santa, he’s just someone that accidentally killed a drifter on his property in a wolf pit. This is a horror movie, guys. Never kill the drifter.

0236 Oh, apparently the guy dressed as Santa is playing the part for Christmas. Merry Christmas, USK’s dad – you get a corpse in a tarp.

0237 They’re going to butcher the vagrant, but he’s still breathing. Oooh, I bet that’s cannibal Santa. He can smell USK, who is hanging around outside. And this is not the sort of thing you want your kid to see holy shit what is wrong with these guys.

0239 This movie is making me want to go vegetarian if I ever end up in Finland, you realize. (I kid, I kid.)

0239 So far all the car chases have been very low speed because everything is covered in snow. I find this amusing.

0241 The town has been plagued by a mysterious series of radiator thefts.

0242 USK’s friend seems to have been replaced by some kind of super creepy blackened and shriveled up doll thing. USK greets this with a complete lack of surprise and concern. Maybe this is something that happens often.

0245 Protip: don’t lean in close to the mysterious, stinky, creepy drifter when he’s whispering something. No matter what happens next, you will not like it.

0246 “There’s something weird about him [creepy cannibal Santa].” “He’s a foreigner.” HAH.

0247 USK tries to call all of his friends on the phone and they are all missing. He is still remarkably calm about this.

0248 USK then draws the perfectly logical conclusion that his dad needs to spank him immediately, so that he will be absolved of naughtiness and, I assume, safe from the evil cannibal that just ate all his friends. He’s upset enough now that he’s shed a few tears.

0249 Uh oh, USK goes into the slaughterhouse and evil Santa reacts sort of like a cat hearing a can of tuna being opened. Well, but in slow motion.

2051 They tie up evil cannibal Santa and hang him from the ceiling. He swings slowly back and forth, chains creaking in the most eerie fashion possible, and they just sit there and stare at him, passing a plate of cookies around. What is this even.

0255 So apparently they are going to take evil cannibal Santa back to the excavation site to try to get money for him. Because the Americans want him back for a mysterious reason.

0256 The evil American that wants Santa is tiny and totally looks like Ebenezer Scrooge. If Ebenezer Scrooge had a helicopter. And a fake quasi-American accent.

0257 The cannibal Santa excavation company is named Subzero Inc. FINISH HIM.

0258 They put cannibal Santa in a cage. And for some reason dressed him in the Santa robes.

0259 And then they let USK wander off on his own. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

0259 Uh oh. Apparently the weird drifter guy is actually one of Santa’s elves. The real Santa is still out there. And, “He’s going to find out who’s naughty or nice.”

0300 Santa has an entire army of weird drifters with pickaxes. One of them killes Ebenezer Scrooge. The Finnish men smartly run away and find USK somehow.

0301 Oh there are all the radiators, and even a bunch of stoves. They’re defrosting real Santa, who is still in a block of ice. Aha, and there are all the kids, in burlap bags in front of the ice block.

0302 I am impressed by the ability of these sturdy Finnish men to pick up Stoves which were a second ago shimmering with heat and carry them over to barricade the door.

0302 It’s okay, everyone! USK HAS A PLAN!

0303 “It’s either me or Santa. I suggest Santa.” And then he yanks down a tarp, revealing boxes of explosives. USK you are a badass little motherfucker.

0304 Hahaha they distract the weird drifter elves with cookies!

0305 Suddenly one of the men can pilot a helicopter. They pile all the kids in a net and airlift them. Hilariously, most of the kids are still in the burlap bags, kicking and crying with their faces covered.

0306 USK is just hanging off the side of the net dangling under the helicopter like a little badass.

0309 I’m starting to feel like USK is going to grow up to be Bruce Willis. But Finnish.

0310 He stands bravely in the face of a charging horde of pale, bearded, naked elves. Lookit him go.

0311 The men blow up the hangar (and cannibal Santa) as they drive away. “And happy fucking New Year.” Someone should be putting their sunglasses on as they do so.

0314 So what do they do with the horde of scary bearded men? Wash them off and teach them to be Santas! Then put them in wooden crates as Rare Exports and ship them all across the globe. And now you know where your mall Santas came from.

…well. That sure was a thing. It had some humorous bits to it, but was mostly so understated I couldn’t get into it the way I could with other funny “horror” movies like Dead Snow. Though this was more of a dark action than a horror as well.

Categories
abortion liveblog suffering for charity

Liveblog of 180

Okay, as promised. You guys are awesome and donated over $200 to the Red Cross, so I’m here to take my punishment. I’m going to watch the Ray Comfort “documentary” 180, a copy of which was left on my buddy David’s windshield one day when he was parked near a Planned Parenthood. (That this particular Planned Parenthood is not a location that offers abortion services is neither here nor there.)

If for some perverse and awful reason you would like to play along at home. You can actually watch this entire thing on youtube. Sorry, can’t bring myself to embed this one on my blog.

If you want to watch this update live, you’ll have to go to the blog page and reload it every few minutes. I’ll update entries elsewhere once I’m done with the liveblog.

T-minus seven minutes to suffering time.

This is the cover of the DVD, by the way. I’m thinking there’s some false advertisement to the “hottest movie” on the internet thing. I’m pretty sure porn could be characterized as hotter, for example. And any bootleg of a movie that involves Tom Hiddleston will also win on the hot factor.

But apparently my world is going to be rocked for 33 minutes. Come at me, bro.

1300 – The DVD menu music is a dramatic piano riff that sounds like something you’d expect in, say, The Sixth Sense while there’s a montage going on, or perhaps Bruce Willis walking around and looking really concerned. It ends with the sound of a heartbeat. Hoo boy.

1302 – I’m hitting play now. I just want it to be noted that I will apparently do anything for the Red Cross. Think of me fondly, farewell cruel world!

1303 – The movie starts with a black haired girl who apparently does not know who Adolf Hitler is. What in the fuck. Where did he find this person?

1303 – Ray Comfort is Jewish and deeply concerned about stock footage of Nazis.

1304 – This man has the most nasal, squeaky Australian accent I have ever heard in my life. He sounds as if he’s been huffing helium between takes. Not sure if this is going to make my job more difficult or more palatable.

1305 – Ray Comfort is concerned about people forgetting the Holocaust. He gives some background on Holocaust education in Germany and other countries in Europe.

1306 – Oh look, he’s managed to dig up more people who don’t know who Hitler is! Seriously? I wonder how many people he had to ambush on the street to find these. Because ffs, anyone who has ever been on the internet knows who the fuck Hitler is.

1307 – I know this is jumping ahead since I know what the video is about, but basically this is a 33-minute-long Godwin, right?

1307 – Steve the Neo-Nazi. He has a startling mohawk, which is blue. I don’t think Hitler would have gone for that, to be honest.

1307 – Apparently Christianity is a Jewish trick but Steve the Neo-Nazi is not fooled because he’s Greek. This is a quote. But make no mistake, Steve is an awful human being. An awful, awful human being. And I do think Ray Comfort deserves a small salute for pointing out that Steve and people like him are awful, and also completely incoherent hate spewing horrors.

1309 – Okay. Still asking people who Hitler is. Some of them know. Maybe he ran out of people didn’t know since he already found like the only twelve on the planet who have been living in a box their entire lives.

1310 – The piano riff starts back up as he talks to another awful human being who believes the world is run by Jews. I assume this is to point out to us that this is both Important and Very Bad. Unlike Steve the Horrible Mohawked Neo-Nazi, this guy’s face is blurred out. An awful person with a sense of shame, perhaps?

1311 – I’ll give Ray Comfort this. He’s figured out that just letting the awful people talk pretty much makes his point for him that they are awful. However, I’m still waiting for this to get around to abortion so I can start beating my head against my desk.

1313 – Okay, next question he’s asking people on the street – if you could kill Hitler before WWII, would you? Either by shooting him as an adult or killing his pregnant mom. It’s an interesting ethical question, one which I have a feeling will not be done justice in this film. For some strange reason.

1314 – More stock footage showing the dead of the Holocaust. Starting to feel like those awful PETA videos where it’s intercut with footage of slaughterhouses.

1315 – Well, at least he’s not claiming that Hitler was an Atheist. Ray Comfort touches very lightly on some of Hitler’s religious views (which are very complicated and weird and wikipedia can get you started) that he’s plainly cherry-picked and then calls him an idolater, which is… different.

1319 – More horrifying stock footage. I’ll note that some of it is actually photographs that have had a “old time film effect” run over it. There is also now a quote from a witness to the carnage read in a rather thick, nearly comical German accent, except the content isn’t comical so I feel kind of gross about it.

1320 – Back to people on the street and now Ray Comfort asks if the people would comply with Nazi orders to bury Jews alive and aid in the Holocaust. If I pretend I don’t know the point of the video, I can find it interesting, though I do have to wonder why he’s so stuck on Nazis if he wants to talk about abortion.

1323 – “You value human life? How do you feel about abortion?” OH AND THERE WE GO. Because burying adults and children alive or shooting them is totally the same as a woman having an abortion.

1324 – The music would like you to know this is very sad.

1325 – “Finish this sentence for me – it’s okay to kill a baby in the womb when…” Oh Ray Comfort, you are totally gross.

1325 – So apparently having an abortion is equivalent to blowing up a building that may or may not have people inside?  What?

1326 – Wow, a girl that had an abortion and says she doesn’t feel bad about it.

1327 – More equating burying Jewish people alive with abortion. Gross, Ray Comfort. Gross.

1327 – The safest place on Earth is in a mother’s womb? Maybe we should store jewelry in there!

1328 – So this is the thing Ray Comfort. You don’t get to decide for other people. Fuck off.

1329 – Oh boy and now he’s saying you can’t value human life and believe women have a right to choose. Well, we all know women aren’t actually human life, right? Argh I want to punch this man in the face so much.

1330 – Girl with sunglasses, you are awesome.

1330 – Wow Ray Comfort you are a gross human being. So very gross. Wow and then there’s shots of people being like oh okay I guess a woman choosing what will be done with her own body is the same as Hitler “choosing” to kill Jews.

1332 – Yes girl on the street, it sounds bad when he puts it in those words because it’s a disingenuous false dichotomy pushed on you by a gross person.

1333 – Well, I shouldn’t be surprised that suddenly everyone in Ray Comfort’s video gets argued around by his amazing logical fallacy skills.

1334 – Whee the American Holocaust! Gross, Ray Comfort. Gross.

1335 – Apparently we have low moral standards because we’ve freed ourselves from the Ten Commandments what?

1335 – No Ray Comfort, this is not an honest discussion you’re having to change people’s minds.

1336 – OH HEY GUYS I FOUND THE ATHEIST IN THE VIDEO! It’s… STEVE THE NEO-NAZI. Well, glad we got that out of the way.

1337 – “Have you ever looked at a guy with lust?” “Nah, I’m gay.” Wow, you are awesome, lesbian lady.

1338 – So apparently people don’t want to believe in God because we’re afraid of him because we lie and blaspheme and commit adultery by being lustful. Oh my goodness I just rolled my eyes so hard it hurt. Because people who don’t believe in Hell are totally afraid of it? LOGIC YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG.

1341 – There is stuff written on my heart? I think I might need some medical attention.

1342 – Now we’re just into sheer proselytizing and I’m falling asleep. Can we just get back to the Nazis?

1343 – When is a raven like a writing desk? When Jesus is like a parachute.

1344 – Aaaaaaaaand we’re back to Nazis.

1344 – Talking about people visiting the concentration camps and being horrified. And then he suggests visiting an abortion clinic. Because they are so like in every way. (/sarcasm)

1345 – Ray Comfort would like everyone to see his documentary. And buy his book, Hitler, God, and the Bible. You know. Just putting that out there.

1346 – And we’re done with a dramatic string piece. Well, this wasn’t so much funny as infuriating, since I just wanted to reach through the screen and shake people. This is a bullshit argument that equates very different things in a false, emotionally manipulative, and disingenuous manner. A woman making a decision about what goes on within her own body is in no way equatable with a crazy, awful person taking power and ordering the death of millions of people who were born and living their lives. And frankly, I think his schtick is a pretty shameful appropriation of the suffering of the Jewish people.

HEY RAY COMFORT WANTS TO TALK ABOUT NAZIS!

Needless to say, 33 minutes later my world is un-rocked. I really could have lived without seeing a bunch of ignorant people get unmercifully Godwinned by a giant Australian weasel with a pouch full of fallacies.

I think I’ll do a different liveblog maybe today or next week to cleanse my palate. Maybe Metal Tornado will get a whirl after all.

Categories
liveblog

Final Presidential Debate Liveblog

So, going in to this, I have one thought: if President Obama can’t manage to win a debate on foreign policy against Mitt Romney, he doesn’t deserve to remain president. Frankly, Mitt Romney has been incoherent in every foreign policy statement I’ve ever heard him make – which basically boils down to “Uh I have no idea let’s bomb shit in the Middle East. And Benghazi! Yeah!”

I’m planning to drink every time Benghazi and Iran get mentioned. Chugging when Obama mentions we killed Osama bin Laden. I shall also chug if Mitt Romney has the solid iron balls necessary to try to lie about the President calling Benghazi an act of terror again. Because I’m really just wondering how much of Fox News alternate reality we’ll hear.

Anyway. T-minus ten minutes until we start. I’ll update about every 10 minutes or so and become no doubt less coherent as the night goes on.

1902: The questions all belong to Bob Schieffer! All of them! And he’s not sharing!

1903: …and then my mom just paused the debate so we are in a holding pattern. CURSE YOU DVR.

1914: And okay, we’re back.

1915: How come Romney gets two glasses of water? I’m sure there’s a rich white guy joke in there.

1917: Benghazi to start with, huh? And Romney gets to start. Will there be more lying? Do I even need to ask?

1918: And… Iran. And Osama bin Laden. Good idea by Romney to mention it first, nice strategy. But I’m having a hard time figuring out what the fuck Romney is even saying What is the point of this? You need a comprehensive strategy? What strategy?

1919: Nice poke by Obama about Iraq not having anything to do with 9/11.

1921: Yes, tell us about your strategy. So it’s more than killing bad guys? It’s simple but it’s broad?

1922: More economic development? How, when you’re all about major sanctions?

1922: And I’m sorry, but every time Romney claims women’s liberation is important in the Middle East, I laugh in a horrible bitter way.

1923: And what bothers me here is he’s saying x, y, and z need to happen but not how the hell the US would be involved in doing this.

1923: Nicely done Obama… “Glad that you finally recognize Al Qaeda is a thread instead of Russia.” And pointing out Romney’s foreign policy positions are basically from the 80s if not earlier. Oh man. This is brutal.

1925: Wow. I feel almost bad for Romney except he’s an awful human being. But damn.

1925: “Attacking me is not talking about how we’re going to respond to things in the middle east” – UH AND YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT THAT?  Holy shit this man is lying at the speed of light. Why. Why is Russia an issue?

1927: This is the sound of fact checkers collectively screaming in agony.

1928: Syria. Oh gosh.

1929: These are some tough questions. Good.

1929: I think Obama makes a good point that charging in without having clear objectives in Syria is a bad idea.

1930: Syria isn’t Iran’s only ally. And it’s not the one stop shop to stopping Iran. And wait… now Romney says he basically wants to do the same thing as Obama? What? When did this happen? We need to work with our allies and see the long game… that’s exactly what Obama just said.

1933: And now we’re back to Lybia… why?

1934: Oh, bringing it as an example for how Syria will be handled.

1934: Hahaha and Bob Schieffer asks Romney if he’d actually do anything different from the administration. And… apparently not? Except Romney specifically wants a puppet government. Ugh because that always works great.

1935: Consensus here – the only different is Romney says we need to find opportunity, Obama says we have and are working on it.

1936: Obama says Romney isn’t coming up with different ideas because we’re already doing this. It’s the leadership we’ve already shown. Fail, Romney. Fail.

1937: Funny, when Obama says that it’s necessary for women to be given full rights, I actually believe him.

1937: We should probably also drink every time someone says Israel.

1937: But kudos to Obama for pointing out that people in Egypt (and everywhere really) want the same kind of things, like a good life, good schools for their kids, etc.

1938: Obama calls Afghanistan and Iraq an experiment in nation building and says we’ve failed at home. Nicely done.

1939: And then Romney agrees with him again about Mubarak, basically. But he’s getting to talk about how awesome he would have been in hindsight and gotten ahead of things.

1939: Our mission is to make sure the world is peaceful… is that really the mission the US should have ultimately?

1941: I think Romney missed guns versus butter day in economics.

1941: What’s America’s role in the world is the question.

1941: The privilege of defending freedom? Ugh. And he talks about free elections, but let’s remember how much everyone has bitched up and down when apparently free elections put people in power that America doesn’t like.

1942: It’s guns OR butter, Mitt. Guns OR butter.

1943: Ended the war in Iraq! Drink!

1944: I feel like both of these answers are long, incoherent strings of bullshit. I must need to drink more.

1945: CLEAN COAL SCREEEEEAM

1946: “I’ve got a plan for the future.” Right Romney. And your 12 million jobs. Your 12 million mysterious jobs.

1946: …can we get back to foreign policy? Bleeeeeeh

1949: Bob: Let’s get back to foreign policy.
Us: /applause
Romney: Let me talk about education.
Us: /groan
BOB GET OUT THE CATTLE PROD AND SHUT THESE ASSHOLES UP.

1952: Romney, where are you going to get the money to spend that much on the military? Really?

1952: Wow, not even Obama can keep a straight face. And then he brings up the tax cuts. And math. And spending even more on the military.

1953: Obama says military spending has gone up every year as if this is a good thing.

1955: Mitt Romney, running the country isn’t the same as a business. For fuck’s sake.

1955: Did Romney really bring up the sequester? You know, that thing his running mate voted for?

1956: WE WANT TO BE ABLE TO FIGHT EVERYONE IN THE WORLD!!!!! Ugh.

1956: “I think governor Romney has not spent enough time seeing how our military actually works… we have less of some things but we also have less horses and bayonets. We have these things called aircraft carriers…” OH SHIT SON.

1957: Uh oh, Israel…

1959: Military action as the last resort.

2000: Man, they are both just dancing around this question at speed.

2001: And once again Romney is basically saying yes what the President is doing but uh… I would have done it first.

2002: One, I will make a list. Two, I will read you that list.

2003: Give Iran a chance to re-enter the community of nations. Wow. That’s different. “I’m glad Governor Romney agrees with the steps we’re taking.” HAHAHAHA “You’d do the same things we did but you’d say them louder.” Wow, Obama.

2005: Romney claims that Iran thinks the administration is weak… oh my god, are we going back to the preconditions shit from the debate with McCain. Stupid machismo bullshit.

2007: “Nothing that Governor Romney just said is true.” And he just called it a whopper. Wow. That’s… wow where was this Obama in the first debate?

2008: Wow, he brought up the Chinese oil company thing.

2009: Yes, tell us why it’s an apology tour for daring to not be a giant asshole to everyone else.

2010: “Mr. President, America has not dictated to other nations.” OH NO YOU DIDN’T.

2010: Obama: “Let’s talk about overseas trips.” Oh my god. And slams Romney on fundraising there. Man they are getting NASTY.

2011: DAMN ROMNEY YOU JUST GOT SERVED.

2012: Does he have anything to say other than Iran being four years closer to a bomb?

2013: …wait a second, did Romney just say North Korea is exporting their nuclear technology HAHAHAHAHAHA OH SHIT Y’ALL I FIGURED IT OUT HE GOT HIS FOREIGN POLICY REPORT FROM THE NEW RED DAWN.

2013: “I’m please you are no endorsing our policy of applying diplomatic pressure.” Wow. Glad he’s pointing out Romney has had every mission known to man.

2015: This is the all bin Laden section. I may not survive this level of drinking.

2017: I am waiting for the portion of the debate where Obama says, “Quit hitting yourself. Why do you keep hitting yourself?”

2017: Oh wow, a 2014 deadline. That’s a unique and interesting idea, Mitt.

2018: And then a friend shows me this HAHAHA

2020: Obama talks about our partners and our allies a lot. Romney really doesn’t. This is really offputting I think to be honest… I’m really sick of America acting like we’re the only fucking country in the world.

2022: You know, one thing I have to give Mitt is that, unlike previous Republican candidates, he can pronounce the world nuclear correctly.

2024: I’ve noticed that Mitt Romney has had some good responses. But all of his reasonable ones have basically been “What Obama does but LOUDER.”

2024: Drones. Ugh, drones. I HATE BOTH OF YOU. Killing bad guys my ass jesus fuck this is not a movie.

2026: Wow, someone works fast. 

2027: The US homeland really Obama? Gross.

2027: Oh my god we are going to talk about something other than the middle east.

2027: China is a potential partner if it follows the rules. He’s setting himself up as a good contrast to Mitt’s incoming machismo bullshit about tough talking a nation that doesn’t give a fuck about our opinions.

2028: So I noticed the more I drink the more I cuss.

2028: Mitt Romney would like us to know that the greatest threat that the world faces is a nuclear Iran. Because I guess when they get one bomb they will drill a hole to the center of the planet and then blow up the earth’s core with the bomb and we’ll have to call in James Bond and goddamnit he is not American.

2033: China doesn’t want the world to be free and open… have you seen their internet? What? Mitt? I don’t get it.

2034: Mitt do you really want to go here about companies shutting down? Isn’t this what you do?

2034: Day one is such a busy day. They are not a currency manipulator. Mike has become incoherent with annoyance.

2035: Wow what happened to his macho shit about China?

2036: And then Obama hits him about companies shutting down and going overseas whoops.

2037: Every time I look at Mitt’s face when the President talks, I feel like I’m watching a Prilosec commercial.

2038: …wait he wants to talk about the auto industry QUIT HITTING YOURSELF WHY DO YOU KEEP HITTING YOURSELF

2039: “Under no circumstances would I do anything but to help this industry get back on its feet.” Jesus fucking Christ.

2040: “I’m still talking” WOW DUDE YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.

2041: Wow Romney do you actually believe your own lies holy fuck I think he does. History is a flexible thing in that man’s brain.

2044: Did Romney just claim to love teachers?

2045: Wow we’re already on closing statements? DRINK! DRINK! DRINK FOR YOUR LIFE.

Post debate:
Chris Matthews: the President was very good on Osama bin Laden.
Me: the only way he could be bad on that was if he said “I killed Osama bin Laden” and then punched a nun in the face.

Romney punched himself in the face for an hour and a half. Obama wins. My liver hates me. The end.

Categories
liveblog

Vice Presidential debate liveblog

Okay, going to not quite liveblog this, since we’re probably going to start just a bit late and DVR is magical. But I’ll still update as we watch, about every 10 minutes or so.

So, I am looking forward to this debate. A lot. More than any presidential debate, for certain. (The president has to have decorum. Joe Biden is there to say the shit we’re all thinking, right?) The VP debate from four years ago was the drunkest I’d been in quite a while (thank you Sarah Palin). I doubt this one will be quite that fun, though I think if I drink every time Paul Ryan lies and Joe Biden smiles in an eerie, toothy way, I’ll be smashed in no time at all.

I honestly love Vice President Biden. That man has never met a script he wouldn’t immediately run away from as fast as possible. And he will always have a special place in my heart for baldly schooling Sarah Palin on Dick Cheney being the worst vice president ever. All the while grinning to show what shockingly white, wolfish teeth he has. I felt like he went out of his way to be nice to Sarah Palin so he wouldn’t look mean; I think this will be a test of that hypothesis since Paul Ryan is made of plastic and has no feelings for Joe Biden to spare.

So yes. This ought to be fun. Waiting to see how many things Paul Ryan says that the campaign will then immediately deny because lying baldly and then walking it back quietly later is an excellent strategy.

Five minutes until starting time!

AND HERE WE GO

1914: Oh look at that moderator. You know she’s biased. She’s a woman. Her ovaries have a liberal bias.

1915: We’ll get through nine sections? Either she’s optimistic, or they’ve learned and armed her with a cattleprod.

1916: OH AND THERE IS JOE BIDEN’S SMILE. I have missed you, Joe Biden’s smile.
Isaac: Oh Joe Biden. You terrifying imp of a man.

1917: Joe, you just kind of skated right over Libya. Sigh.

1918: Wow, first mention of Osama bin Laden, four minutes flat.

1920: And Paul Ryan brings up embassy security? Is that a place you really want to go… the Republicans cut funding for that. Guess we’ll see if Joe jumps on him.

1921: Paul Ryan says that Obama’s foreign policy is unraveling. Joe does a toothy grin and laughs. I HAVE MISSED YOU JOE. Oh my god. I AM DRINKING SO MUCH.

1922: “With all due respect, that’s a bunch of malarky.”
THE ROOM ERUPTS IN CHEERS.
Wow, and Joe starts right off with the Republicans cutting embassy security funding.
/chugs

1923: Sorry Jim Lehrer, this moderator is much better. I think she must have punched them both in the balls pre-debate to let them know she meant business.

1925: Paul Ryan brings up embassy security again. Joe Biden looks disbelieving.

1926: Moderator: “I’d actually like to move to Iran.”
…that’s some unfortunate phrasing.

1928: Joe Biden: “That’s incredible.” Then proceeds to eat Paul Ryan’s lunch. However, I will note I think Joe’s full of shit on Iran too. But thank goodness he’s slamming the bluster. I’m so sick of the macho posturing about Iran.

1933: Joe, “a bunch of stuff” is not a valid debating technique. Even if it’s Irish. (Maybe I can try to use that in my thesis and claim I learned it from the VP…)

1935: Joe Biden: “Facts matter.” Wow. I love you so much.

1937: Joe Biden: War should already be the last resort.

1937: “I may be mistaken, he [Romney] changes his mind all the time.” Bwahahaha. Nicely done.

1938: ooooh jobs and the economy. Paul Ryan is supposed to be a Jedi here. Let’s see.

1939: Wow, 47% and 30% hits by Biden. He really does exist to say what we’re all thinking. Wow, and he brought up Grover Norquist. I think my mom is going to start writing him love letters.

1940: Wow. Joe Biden stopped smiling for a minute. Please keep smiling. It’s even scarier.

1941: Paul Ryan: The economy is getting worse!
Joe Biden: You are so full of shit.
Us: We love you, Joe.

1942: DID RYAN JUST CALL ROMNEY A CAR GUY? Well, I guess he’s personally supporting the industry by buying so many…

1943: Paul Ryan: [Biden] knows sometimes the words don’t come out of your mouth the right way.
Joe Biden: Yes, but I always say what I mean.
/CHUGS

1944: Biden: I don’t doubt Romney’s commitment to individuals, but I don’t believe his commitment to the automotive industry.

1945: Biden: Stop talking about how you care about people and show me the policy.
Wow. Goddamn. And talking about the obstructionism and the debt hypocrisy. WOW.

1949: Paul Ryan: Medicare is going bankrupt. Social Security is going bankrupt.
My mom: Bullshit! Bullshit!
Me: It’s okay, mom. Joe’s got your back.

1950: Oh god. He brought up the 716 billion number too. Really?

1951: I will give Paul Ryan this; he was very coherent for this argument.

1951: Hahaha Joe Biden references the Sarah Palin debate with the death panels thing.

1953: “Their ideas are old.” Wow.

1953: Ryan says “they got caught with their hand in the cookie jar.” OH MY GOD THE LOOK ON JOE BIDEN’S FACE.

1955: Wow, I want Joe to just keep interrupting Paul Ryan every time he lies. This is hilarious.

1959: …did Paul Ryan just imply that Joe Biden doesn’t have a record to run on? DA FUQ? I think that man has been in the senate longer than Paul Ryan has been alive.

2001: Joe Biden: I did give you a simple answer. They want people to pay more for Medicare.
Man, this guy is like a one man pull line machine.

2005: I love that even the moderator is asking Paul Ryan for specifics for the 20% across the board tax cuts and… he’s still not coming up with anything.
Moderator: …so no specifics yet.

2007: Joe Biden’s sure got some specifics about loopholes.

2008: Joe Biden: “Oh, now you’re Jack Kennedy?” /chugs

2008: Now Paul Ryan is pretending that the poor Republicans are just being pushed around by the President. Wow

2009: Biden: If Romney did such a good job in Massachusetts why is he not even contesting that state.
OH SHIT SON.

2010: I think the moderator is tired of the bullshit. Moving on to defense. Hoo boy.

2013: Man, this lady should be in charge of the other debates. She’s asking good questions and cutting them off when they try to go too long. Badass.

2018: I’m trying to figure out what Paul Ryan is actually saying about the timeline. It makes no sense. Like he agrees but doesn’t because “reasons.”

2021: There is some excitement here as my beer overflows. I think it’s too excited about Joe Biden talking about the surge. So much surging. (Foamiest beer ever.)

2021: Okay and is it me, or does Paul Ryan sound really patronizing every time he says “Oh, I know this thing is confusing.” It’s not confusing. You’re just an asshole.

2026: Paul Ryan doesn’t apparently understand how the UN security council works. And yeah, let’s not go to the UN. Let’s piss them off and be all alone in everything. Dumbass.

2030: Wow, she brought up abortion issue and religion.

2031: Reason and science against abortion? Do tell, Paul Ryan. Wow that’s great you were happy to see the heartbeat, but you wanted that baby.
And the biologist in the room quietly loses his shit.

2032: Wow suddenly we’re allowing exceptions now? How generous.

2033: Freedom of religion bullshit about how women getting birth control through their insurance is somehow against the first amendment FUCK YOU IN THE NECK.

2034: Joe Biden says he refuses to impose his religion upon others. THANK YOU FOR SAYING YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO CONTROL MY BODY.

2035: He brought up the forcible rape thing. Good for you Joe.

2035: Well, as a woman I feel like Joe won on abortion. Totally unbiased here. Gee, I wonder why I don’t feel like Paul Ryan generously allowing exceptions makes everything okay. Especially when I think he’s a damn liar.

2040: Another dig at the 47% thing by Joe. Nicely done.

2042: I love how the question about the advertisement negativity is answered with a bunch of negativity. Sigh.

2044: Yes Joe, god do we know that you don’t say things you don’t mean. We count on it. That’s why you’re hilarious AND awesome. Middle out, not top down. Nicely done.

Closing statements!

Joe Biden goes back to the 47% and 30% in his closing statement. It was a nice closing statement. And he used his serious voice. And mentioned Scranton.

Paul Ryan wants you to know his eyes are very blue. And that he can say thank you to rhyme with fuck you to Joe Biden. Apparently he and Mitt Romney will not duck tough issues. I guess that’s why they never answer hard questions?

…so, anyone who doesn’t think Joe Biden won needs his head examined. That is all.

Oh yeah and: I LOVE YOU JOE I HAD FOUR BEERS AND A GLASS OF PLUM WINE FOR YOU.