Categories
writing advice

NaNo-advice

By which I mean advice for NaNoWriMo, not advice x 10^-9.

I’ve done NaNo five times, personally, and “won” it all five times, which is to say I’ve managed to produce 50k words in a month. Of those five times, twice I’ve gotten completed novels. Of those two novels, I’ve deemed one good enough that I’ve been willing to plunge into query letter Hell for it.

NaNo is a good experience if you want to practice writing, and writing at length. As was said at the How to Get Your Work Rejected Worldcon panel, a lot of people want to have written a novel. Most of them don’t want to actually write one. Because writing one, particularly the first time you do it, can be kind of hard.

So from me to you, a little advice:

Find what works for you. Everyone ultimately has a different writing process, and what works for me is not necessarily going to work for you. I know some people who find NaNo meetups and write-ins are incredibly  useful. I’ve never had any luck with them because I can’t concentrate when there are people around. But if they work for you? Great! This means you need to experiment and figure out how to set up conditions so that you can actually get writing done. Which may sound unhelpful at its face – what do you mean, I can’t tell you how to do this? – but this is also permission to ignore advice from other people if it just doesn’t work for you. Experiment!

There is nowhere this is highlighted more than the great Pantsers vs. Outliners debate. Some people can write a novel without an outline. I have no idea how they do this – my first NaNo was a seat of my pants affair, and it was a 50K train wreck by the time I limped to the finish. (I would not recommend padding your wordcount by overdescribing everything, by the way, unless you want to end up hating your story. Or unless you really like waxing poetic about tatami mats.) Of course, on the other end of the spectrum you have Kevin J. Anderson and his terrifying novella-length outlines. (Not making this up.) Personally, I like writing about a page of bullet points, which I then don’t actually hold the story to. Which means that I will sometimes redraft an outline four or five times as things develop and then ending looks like it’ll be somewhere else.

Figure out what works for you. If you get lost easily and can’t figure out where you’re going, outline. If knowing how the story will end means you’re bored with it before you start, don’t. And don’t let anyone tell you that you’re doing it wrong so long as it works for you.

That said, here are four more pieces of advice that I think are universally useful.

Don’t look back. When you’re doing this thing for the first time, you should feel like you’re throwing yourself down a mountain, and the only way to keep from dying is to just keep running as fast as you can or risk losing your footing. Trust me. If you go back and let yourself edit particularly, you’ve lost the battle already. You’re distracted from getting words on the page. Just keep writing. And if you realize that you need to change something you already wrote, just write yourself a big note in the middle of your page and keep going. Edit later. Write now.

By the way, you also don’t have to write in chronological order.

Unplug the internet. The internet not-so-secretly wants to keep you from getting anything done. Trust me. When you are writing, you should be writing and that means not checking your e-mail. Turn off wifi on your laptop, put your droid or iPhone on silent, and let the world go for a couple of hours. It’ll be fine without you.

Write the interesting parts. If you are struggling to write because you’re bored by what you’re writing, skip it and go write something interesting. Come back to it later, and maybe you won’t find that part so boring. (Or, if it is boring, you should probably ask yourself if it’s necessary, and if so, how can you make it not boring. Because if you’re bored writing it, a reader is probably not going to find it more interesting than you did.)

Write every day. It’s a point for debate if you should worry about word goals strictly. I met some people at the Mile Hi Con NaNo panel that had success with binge writing. Well, more power to them. But writing every day is still non-negotiable. Even if it’s just ten minutes on your lunch break where you add two lines of dialog, that’s good enough. The point is that you need to make this a habit. You need to feel like something is deeply wrong with the world if you haven’t sat down and put some words on the page today. And once you skip one day, it’s easier to skip another, and then next thing you know it’s December and your characters are still sitting in a tavern and trying to decide if they actually want to bother saving the world or not.

Happy NaNo-ing, guys! I’m looking forward to rejoining the ranks next year, once the specter of grad school has released me from its icy clutches. Good writing, and remember – don’t look back! There are zombies!

(Oh yeah, and happy Halloween, too!)

Categories
Uncategorized

Moving to Houston

I’ve accepted a job offer in Houston, after a lot of discussion and back and forth with Mike about the pros and cons and oh shit he has to find a job too. While I’m really not feeling good about having to move, I’m super excited about the job itself. It’s with a company I’ve been hoping to be hired by pretty much since I started doing this whole geology thing, and I’m going to be doing work that I find extremely interesting. (I get to look at actual rocks! And thin sections!)

My projected start time at the new job is beginning of February, since hopefully that will provide sufficient time to finish writing my thesis, get it defended and get all the edits in, as well as deal with more mundane tasks like finding an apartment, selling the house, all that. I’m actually a little excited about the house selling part, since this seems like a great opportunity to thin out our possessions. The company is paying for the move, using Atlas. Which means that someone else gets to pack up my house and move all the boxes. This is apparently how grownups do things, who would knew?
We’re planning to come back to Colorado and visit very often, hopefully even as much as once a month. So you haven’t gotten rid of us yet! And right now it’s definitely my plan to be back for Mile Hi Con next year as well. (It’ll be even easier to get to Worldcon, come to think of it.) 
It’s exciting, and scary. Just like all adventures.
Categories
earthquake geology news this shit is fucked up

Scientists convicted of manslaughter for failing to be psychic

Words cannot begin to express how upset, angry, and filled with contempt I am by this:
Italian scientists resign over L’Aquila quake verdicts

Two scientists resigned their posts with the government’s disaster preparedness agency Tuesday after a court in L’Aquila sentenced six scientists and a government official to six years in prison. The court ruled Monday that the scientists failed to accurately communicate the risk of the 2009 quake, which killed more than 300 people.

We wish we could predict earthquakes. We really, really do. So many lives could be saved. But there is as of yet no way to make those kind of predictions. A series of small earthquakes? Depending upon how you define it, those occur all the time. Hell, we can only sort of predict the imminent eruption of a volcano, and the mechanics of that, the pressures that dictate an eruption, are relatively simpler and there are far more “tells” – seismic activity, increased outgassing, etc.

Nature agrees: 

There will be time enough to ponder the wider implications of the verdict, but for now all efforts should be channelled into protest, both at the severity of the sentence and at scientists being criminalized for the way their opinions were communicated. Science has little political clout in Italy and the trial proceeded in an absence of informed public debate that would have been unthinkable in most European countries or in the United States

Hey Italy, while you’re jailing people for failing to predict disasters, how about extraditing the horrendous human beings who played fast and loose with the financial markets and caused the global economy to shit itself? That had far more potential for being predicted and arguably has caused even more human suffering. What about jailing people who have refused to listen to repeated warnings about global climate change?

Or I suppose this pattern could continue and the next time a doctor fails to predict a heart attack, or a traffic cop fails to predict an accident, they’ll end up in jail.

This is ridiculous. Contemptible.

Categories
liveblog

Final Presidential Debate Liveblog

So, going in to this, I have one thought: if President Obama can’t manage to win a debate on foreign policy against Mitt Romney, he doesn’t deserve to remain president. Frankly, Mitt Romney has been incoherent in every foreign policy statement I’ve ever heard him make – which basically boils down to “Uh I have no idea let’s bomb shit in the Middle East. And Benghazi! Yeah!”

I’m planning to drink every time Benghazi and Iran get mentioned. Chugging when Obama mentions we killed Osama bin Laden. I shall also chug if Mitt Romney has the solid iron balls necessary to try to lie about the President calling Benghazi an act of terror again. Because I’m really just wondering how much of Fox News alternate reality we’ll hear.

Anyway. T-minus ten minutes until we start. I’ll update about every 10 minutes or so and become no doubt less coherent as the night goes on.

1902: The questions all belong to Bob Schieffer! All of them! And he’s not sharing!

1903: …and then my mom just paused the debate so we are in a holding pattern. CURSE YOU DVR.

1914: And okay, we’re back.

1915: How come Romney gets two glasses of water? I’m sure there’s a rich white guy joke in there.

1917: Benghazi to start with, huh? And Romney gets to start. Will there be more lying? Do I even need to ask?

1918: And… Iran. And Osama bin Laden. Good idea by Romney to mention it first, nice strategy. But I’m having a hard time figuring out what the fuck Romney is even saying What is the point of this? You need a comprehensive strategy? What strategy?

1919: Nice poke by Obama about Iraq not having anything to do with 9/11.

1921: Yes, tell us about your strategy. So it’s more than killing bad guys? It’s simple but it’s broad?

1922: More economic development? How, when you’re all about major sanctions?

1922: And I’m sorry, but every time Romney claims women’s liberation is important in the Middle East, I laugh in a horrible bitter way.

1923: And what bothers me here is he’s saying x, y, and z need to happen but not how the hell the US would be involved in doing this.

1923: Nicely done Obama… “Glad that you finally recognize Al Qaeda is a thread instead of Russia.” And pointing out Romney’s foreign policy positions are basically from the 80s if not earlier. Oh man. This is brutal.

1925: Wow. I feel almost bad for Romney except he’s an awful human being. But damn.

1925: “Attacking me is not talking about how we’re going to respond to things in the middle east” – UH AND YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT THAT?  Holy shit this man is lying at the speed of light. Why. Why is Russia an issue?

1927: This is the sound of fact checkers collectively screaming in agony.

1928: Syria. Oh gosh.

1929: These are some tough questions. Good.

1929: I think Obama makes a good point that charging in without having clear objectives in Syria is a bad idea.

1930: Syria isn’t Iran’s only ally. And it’s not the one stop shop to stopping Iran. And wait… now Romney says he basically wants to do the same thing as Obama? What? When did this happen? We need to work with our allies and see the long game… that’s exactly what Obama just said.

1933: And now we’re back to Lybia… why?

1934: Oh, bringing it as an example for how Syria will be handled.

1934: Hahaha and Bob Schieffer asks Romney if he’d actually do anything different from the administration. And… apparently not? Except Romney specifically wants a puppet government. Ugh because that always works great.

1935: Consensus here – the only different is Romney says we need to find opportunity, Obama says we have and are working on it.

1936: Obama says Romney isn’t coming up with different ideas because we’re already doing this. It’s the leadership we’ve already shown. Fail, Romney. Fail.

1937: Funny, when Obama says that it’s necessary for women to be given full rights, I actually believe him.

1937: We should probably also drink every time someone says Israel.

1937: But kudos to Obama for pointing out that people in Egypt (and everywhere really) want the same kind of things, like a good life, good schools for their kids, etc.

1938: Obama calls Afghanistan and Iraq an experiment in nation building and says we’ve failed at home. Nicely done.

1939: And then Romney agrees with him again about Mubarak, basically. But he’s getting to talk about how awesome he would have been in hindsight and gotten ahead of things.

1939: Our mission is to make sure the world is peaceful… is that really the mission the US should have ultimately?

1941: I think Romney missed guns versus butter day in economics.

1941: What’s America’s role in the world is the question.

1941: The privilege of defending freedom? Ugh. And he talks about free elections, but let’s remember how much everyone has bitched up and down when apparently free elections put people in power that America doesn’t like.

1942: It’s guns OR butter, Mitt. Guns OR butter.

1943: Ended the war in Iraq! Drink!

1944: I feel like both of these answers are long, incoherent strings of bullshit. I must need to drink more.

1945: CLEAN COAL SCREEEEEAM

1946: “I’ve got a plan for the future.” Right Romney. And your 12 million jobs. Your 12 million mysterious jobs.

1946: …can we get back to foreign policy? Bleeeeeeh

1949: Bob: Let’s get back to foreign policy.
Us: /applause
Romney: Let me talk about education.
Us: /groan
BOB GET OUT THE CATTLE PROD AND SHUT THESE ASSHOLES UP.

1952: Romney, where are you going to get the money to spend that much on the military? Really?

1952: Wow, not even Obama can keep a straight face. And then he brings up the tax cuts. And math. And spending even more on the military.

1953: Obama says military spending has gone up every year as if this is a good thing.

1955: Mitt Romney, running the country isn’t the same as a business. For fuck’s sake.

1955: Did Romney really bring up the sequester? You know, that thing his running mate voted for?

1956: WE WANT TO BE ABLE TO FIGHT EVERYONE IN THE WORLD!!!!! Ugh.

1956: “I think governor Romney has not spent enough time seeing how our military actually works… we have less of some things but we also have less horses and bayonets. We have these things called aircraft carriers…” OH SHIT SON.

1957: Uh oh, Israel…

1959: Military action as the last resort.

2000: Man, they are both just dancing around this question at speed.

2001: And once again Romney is basically saying yes what the President is doing but uh… I would have done it first.

2002: One, I will make a list. Two, I will read you that list.

2003: Give Iran a chance to re-enter the community of nations. Wow. That’s different. “I’m glad Governor Romney agrees with the steps we’re taking.” HAHAHAHA “You’d do the same things we did but you’d say them louder.” Wow, Obama.

2005: Romney claims that Iran thinks the administration is weak… oh my god, are we going back to the preconditions shit from the debate with McCain. Stupid machismo bullshit.

2007: “Nothing that Governor Romney just said is true.” And he just called it a whopper. Wow. That’s… wow where was this Obama in the first debate?

2008: Wow, he brought up the Chinese oil company thing.

2009: Yes, tell us why it’s an apology tour for daring to not be a giant asshole to everyone else.

2010: “Mr. President, America has not dictated to other nations.” OH NO YOU DIDN’T.

2010: Obama: “Let’s talk about overseas trips.” Oh my god. And slams Romney on fundraising there. Man they are getting NASTY.

2011: DAMN ROMNEY YOU JUST GOT SERVED.

2012: Does he have anything to say other than Iran being four years closer to a bomb?

2013: …wait a second, did Romney just say North Korea is exporting their nuclear technology HAHAHAHAHAHA OH SHIT Y’ALL I FIGURED IT OUT HE GOT HIS FOREIGN POLICY REPORT FROM THE NEW RED DAWN.

2013: “I’m please you are no endorsing our policy of applying diplomatic pressure.” Wow. Glad he’s pointing out Romney has had every mission known to man.

2015: This is the all bin Laden section. I may not survive this level of drinking.

2017: I am waiting for the portion of the debate where Obama says, “Quit hitting yourself. Why do you keep hitting yourself?”

2017: Oh wow, a 2014 deadline. That’s a unique and interesting idea, Mitt.

2018: And then a friend shows me this HAHAHA

2020: Obama talks about our partners and our allies a lot. Romney really doesn’t. This is really offputting I think to be honest… I’m really sick of America acting like we’re the only fucking country in the world.

2022: You know, one thing I have to give Mitt is that, unlike previous Republican candidates, he can pronounce the world nuclear correctly.

2024: I’ve noticed that Mitt Romney has had some good responses. But all of his reasonable ones have basically been “What Obama does but LOUDER.”

2024: Drones. Ugh, drones. I HATE BOTH OF YOU. Killing bad guys my ass jesus fuck this is not a movie.

2026: Wow, someone works fast. 

2027: The US homeland really Obama? Gross.

2027: Oh my god we are going to talk about something other than the middle east.

2027: China is a potential partner if it follows the rules. He’s setting himself up as a good contrast to Mitt’s incoming machismo bullshit about tough talking a nation that doesn’t give a fuck about our opinions.

2028: So I noticed the more I drink the more I cuss.

2028: Mitt Romney would like us to know that the greatest threat that the world faces is a nuclear Iran. Because I guess when they get one bomb they will drill a hole to the center of the planet and then blow up the earth’s core with the bomb and we’ll have to call in James Bond and goddamnit he is not American.

2033: China doesn’t want the world to be free and open… have you seen their internet? What? Mitt? I don’t get it.

2034: Mitt do you really want to go here about companies shutting down? Isn’t this what you do?

2034: Day one is such a busy day. They are not a currency manipulator. Mike has become incoherent with annoyance.

2035: Wow what happened to his macho shit about China?

2036: And then Obama hits him about companies shutting down and going overseas whoops.

2037: Every time I look at Mitt’s face when the President talks, I feel like I’m watching a Prilosec commercial.

2038: …wait he wants to talk about the auto industry QUIT HITTING YOURSELF WHY DO YOU KEEP HITTING YOURSELF

2039: “Under no circumstances would I do anything but to help this industry get back on its feet.” Jesus fucking Christ.

2040: “I’m still talking” WOW DUDE YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.

2041: Wow Romney do you actually believe your own lies holy fuck I think he does. History is a flexible thing in that man’s brain.

2044: Did Romney just claim to love teachers?

2045: Wow we’re already on closing statements? DRINK! DRINK! DRINK FOR YOUR LIFE.

Post debate:
Chris Matthews: the President was very good on Osama bin Laden.
Me: the only way he could be bad on that was if he said “I killed Osama bin Laden” and then punched a nun in the face.

Romney punched himself in the face for an hour and a half. Obama wins. My liver hates me. The end.

Categories
convention

And I did a reading like a big girl

Mile Hi Con this weekend was a tremendous amount of fun. This is the first time I’ve gotten to be on panels at that convention, which was exciting. On Saturday I got to participate in a panel where we basically got to bitch for an hour about horrible movie science.

(Spoiler: What I find most annoying is, mundanely enough, movies putting GEOLOGISTS in white lab coats.)

I got to have a good rant in that panel as well, when someone asked if movie makers should be held responsible to not put crap science in their movies. I have opinions about this, but it deserves its own entry. Hopefully later this week!

Saturday there was also a panel called the Stop the Apocalypse Now game show, which was hilarious. The panelists (Dan Dvorkin and CJ Henderson) plus an audience volunteer were each given a random item on a card (eg: golf clubs, an abandoned mine, an x-ray spectrometer) and then given one minute to figure out a story to tell about how they could stop a Syfy-worthy cheesy apocalypse scenario with that item. I used my x-ray spectrometer to mutate a gibbon into something the size of King Kong so it could kill giant condors. Because in the age old battle between monkeys and birds, monkeys WIN.

So yes. That was incredibly fun. I told the panel moderators that they should make a real game of it, or do PDFs that people could print up like Cards Against Humanity because it was hilarious. Best story of the panel was CJ Henderson using the Dead Sea Scrolls to defeat an army of evil Peeps that had been animated by the Necronomicon, rendering the Peeps kosher in the process.

Sunday I was on the NaNoWriMo support panel. Hopefully some good advice was dispensed. Mostly it just made me miss NaNo. Soon, my pretty… soon. Once I’m not in school any more, I’ll finally have time to hammer at writing like that again.

And then after… I HAD A READING. LIKE A REAL WRITER. OMG.

I shared the reading time with Carrie Vaughn, and because of her the room was packed. It was utterly terrifying. But Carrie was incredibly sweet and supportive and wonderful. She also let me go first, for which I will forever be grateful.

I read two short stories for the crowd – The Jade Tiger first since I realized it would be smart to tell everyone that hey, I have Steampunk novellas coming out next year! And since it’s all the same characters, hopefully people liked them and will want to read more. And actually, at the end of the reading when we opened up for questions, someone in the crowd actually did ask me a question! And it was about when the first novella would come out, and what it would be called. So exciting! (Answers: Murder on the Titania and in March if memory serves.)

Then I read Comes the Huntsman. That story is so difficult to read aloud for so many reasons. But I did it! And I didn’t actually cry, though I got choked up. Goddamnit it’s always section 10 than gets me, every time. I guess I sounded so shaken up that when it was done Carrie told me to have some chocolate. (I’d brought Halloween candy because I know it’s smart to bribe your audience.) Everyone was immensely kind.

I hope I get to do it again.

Categories
convention

Mile Hi Con Schedule

Mile Hi Con is this weekend! And I’m actually on a few panels, since I’m pretending to be a real writer at the moment.

Saturday: 
Science Travesties in Current Media – 1600, Grand Mesa B-C

Sunday: 
NaNoWriMo Support Group – 1300, Mesa Verde A
Reading – 1400, Mesa Verde C

I’m excited about all of this, but I’m just floored I get to do a reading. And holy shit, I’m sharing time with Carrie Vaughn.

Please, please, please come and say hello!

Categories
movie

Looper (and the most unintentionally[?] hilarious preview ever)

Saw Looper today with my best friend and it was seventeen kinds of awesome, but first, this:

Have you seen this? Has there ever been a more unintentionally(?) hilarious trailer in the history of the US with the possible exception of the one for Battleship?

The first Red Dawn was an intensely silly movie, but at least it kind of made more sense, being toward the end of the Cold War and all when Russia was still pretty scary. Obviously, remaking it can’t involve Russia any more because they’re sort of our friend (except for the part where they cockblock everything we do ever in the UN Security Council but wevs) so what are we picking instead?

North Korea? Just… North Korea?

That realization makes the trailer utterly hilarious. Come on people. North Korea can’t even manage to hit Japan with a single missile. Shots of squadrons of airplanes and tanks rolling down highways? What is this even? Plus some kind of magical secret weapon operated by a very serious Asian man in a nice set of fatigues. (You can tell he’s North Korean because he has only one facial expression; that’s a country that can’t support fripperies like soldiers that can be both stoic and angry.) Also, I can’t help but wonder why the hell North Korea, if we lived in a magical world where they had these kind of resources, would be invading the United States instead of, gosh I don’t know, South Korea.

It’s ridiculous. I’m guessing that’s why never once in the trailer do they say it’s North Korea, because it’s such a howler. Instead, it’s just a giant army of scary Asian guys invading part of America because… reasons. One can only surmise that they hate our freedom. PFFFFFFT.

Bonus points if you imagine Chris Hemsworth dressed as Thor while he’s doing this, by the way.

But anyway. Looper. This is without a doubt the best science fiction movie I have seen in years. While I’m sure you could spend ages nitpicking apart the time travel fuckery that is central to it, that doesn’t change the fact that it is a good story, told about fascinating characters.

If nothing else, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Bruce Willis make an intense team showing how much a man can change in thirty years, and also how little. The character of Joe is still capable of the same kind of horrific brutality in the before and after, but for incredibly different reasons. It leaves you wondering just how much the reasons even matter, however.

Pierce Gagnon is excellent as Cid, the creepiest child that has ever existed on film outside of a horror movie. And Jeff Daniels as Abe makes a wonderful mob boss. He’s so weirdly avuncular that you can’t quite understand why anyone is afraid of him up until he cheerful breaks a fuck-up’s hand with a hammer. Then you realize that he can be that jolly because he’s an absolutely horrific person.

Abe: I’m from the future. I’m telling you to go to Shanghai.
Joe: I’m going to France.

It’s a wonderful exchange.

The only complaint I really have about the movie is that it’s 2044, and apparently women still only exist as strippers and waitresses. Or the embodiment of redemption for the grizzled hero in the form of ladies they sex up. That, I find exceedingly disappointing. I would have been happy if there’d just been a few female extras in long black coats wielding ludicrously huge handguns for Bruce Willis to mow down toward the end of the movie.

Go see it. It’s excellent.

SPOILERS NOW YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

One of the things I liked most about the movie is that it chose the right moments to surprise me. There were some plot elements that were easy to call (like Cid, the creepiest child that has ever existed, being the future Rainmaker) and others that just took me off guard. I didn’t really think Old Joe was going to go around mowing down kids until he actually did. I didn’t think Young Joe would break the cycle by killing himself until the very end, when he started his final, short monologue. In fact, I thought the end of the movie would be Old Joe killing Cid’s mom, and thus the future and this endless loop of violence being preserved. (Making the movie more like 12 Monkeys and infinitely more depressing.)

Okay, and yes, now you can argue about how in the context of time travel and causality it doesn’t really make sense as a solution and then the plot continuing forward but shut up it was an excellent story.

It was obvious that Cid was going to be the Rainmaker, but the answer as to why he could be a one man wrecking crew was unexpected and a bit scary. As was the revelation that he’d made his adopted mother explode, I thought. Seeing Young Joe hug the blood-covered little terror was a turning point I didn’t expect, because he didn’t even point his gun at the kid. It was all incredibly well done, I thought. It was a good counterpoint to earlier, when Joe sells his best friend out so he can keep his hoard of money.

That sequence, by the way, was utterly horrifying, seeing what happened to Old Seth once the “doctor” had his hands on Young Seth. It certainly added to the suspense of Young Joe having to escape from Abe.

The other part of the setup I really liked was in the first loop, where Old Joe escapes and then Young Joe potentially dies. Then in the second loop, we see how Old Joe gets to the place he’s at, see why he’s doing what he’s doing and why he’s also such a giant badass. Then the real loop starts, to be finally broken at the end by Young Joe.

Good, good writing. Good, good acting. Loved it. I’m happy to give up on accuracy about the time travel if it’ll be used to tell a story this intense.

Categories
geology grad school science

What I did with my day.

Today I turned this:

Into this:

Using these tools:

…four times. Six to go. And then they’ll be ready for XRF analysis, which will tell me what mean annual precipitation was in that location nearly 54 million years ago. 
This is the exciting part of science they never show you in the movies. 
Categories
Uncategorized

HELLO I HAVE PRESENTS FOR YOU

Because the world needs more Joe Biden gifs. You’re welcome.

MOAR
 
Categories
liveblog

Vice Presidential debate liveblog

Okay, going to not quite liveblog this, since we’re probably going to start just a bit late and DVR is magical. But I’ll still update as we watch, about every 10 minutes or so.

So, I am looking forward to this debate. A lot. More than any presidential debate, for certain. (The president has to have decorum. Joe Biden is there to say the shit we’re all thinking, right?) The VP debate from four years ago was the drunkest I’d been in quite a while (thank you Sarah Palin). I doubt this one will be quite that fun, though I think if I drink every time Paul Ryan lies and Joe Biden smiles in an eerie, toothy way, I’ll be smashed in no time at all.

I honestly love Vice President Biden. That man has never met a script he wouldn’t immediately run away from as fast as possible. And he will always have a special place in my heart for baldly schooling Sarah Palin on Dick Cheney being the worst vice president ever. All the while grinning to show what shockingly white, wolfish teeth he has. I felt like he went out of his way to be nice to Sarah Palin so he wouldn’t look mean; I think this will be a test of that hypothesis since Paul Ryan is made of plastic and has no feelings for Joe Biden to spare.

So yes. This ought to be fun. Waiting to see how many things Paul Ryan says that the campaign will then immediately deny because lying baldly and then walking it back quietly later is an excellent strategy.

Five minutes until starting time!

AND HERE WE GO

1914: Oh look at that moderator. You know she’s biased. She’s a woman. Her ovaries have a liberal bias.

1915: We’ll get through nine sections? Either she’s optimistic, or they’ve learned and armed her with a cattleprod.

1916: OH AND THERE IS JOE BIDEN’S SMILE. I have missed you, Joe Biden’s smile.
Isaac: Oh Joe Biden. You terrifying imp of a man.

1917: Joe, you just kind of skated right over Libya. Sigh.

1918: Wow, first mention of Osama bin Laden, four minutes flat.

1920: And Paul Ryan brings up embassy security? Is that a place you really want to go… the Republicans cut funding for that. Guess we’ll see if Joe jumps on him.

1921: Paul Ryan says that Obama’s foreign policy is unraveling. Joe does a toothy grin and laughs. I HAVE MISSED YOU JOE. Oh my god. I AM DRINKING SO MUCH.

1922: “With all due respect, that’s a bunch of malarky.”
THE ROOM ERUPTS IN CHEERS.
Wow, and Joe starts right off with the Republicans cutting embassy security funding.
/chugs

1923: Sorry Jim Lehrer, this moderator is much better. I think she must have punched them both in the balls pre-debate to let them know she meant business.

1925: Paul Ryan brings up embassy security again. Joe Biden looks disbelieving.

1926: Moderator: “I’d actually like to move to Iran.”
…that’s some unfortunate phrasing.

1928: Joe Biden: “That’s incredible.” Then proceeds to eat Paul Ryan’s lunch. However, I will note I think Joe’s full of shit on Iran too. But thank goodness he’s slamming the bluster. I’m so sick of the macho posturing about Iran.

1933: Joe, “a bunch of stuff” is not a valid debating technique. Even if it’s Irish. (Maybe I can try to use that in my thesis and claim I learned it from the VP…)

1935: Joe Biden: “Facts matter.” Wow. I love you so much.

1937: Joe Biden: War should already be the last resort.

1937: “I may be mistaken, he [Romney] changes his mind all the time.” Bwahahaha. Nicely done.

1938: ooooh jobs and the economy. Paul Ryan is supposed to be a Jedi here. Let’s see.

1939: Wow, 47% and 30% hits by Biden. He really does exist to say what we’re all thinking. Wow, and he brought up Grover Norquist. I think my mom is going to start writing him love letters.

1940: Wow. Joe Biden stopped smiling for a minute. Please keep smiling. It’s even scarier.

1941: Paul Ryan: The economy is getting worse!
Joe Biden: You are so full of shit.
Us: We love you, Joe.

1942: DID RYAN JUST CALL ROMNEY A CAR GUY? Well, I guess he’s personally supporting the industry by buying so many…

1943: Paul Ryan: [Biden] knows sometimes the words don’t come out of your mouth the right way.
Joe Biden: Yes, but I always say what I mean.
/CHUGS

1944: Biden: I don’t doubt Romney’s commitment to individuals, but I don’t believe his commitment to the automotive industry.

1945: Biden: Stop talking about how you care about people and show me the policy.
Wow. Goddamn. And talking about the obstructionism and the debt hypocrisy. WOW.

1949: Paul Ryan: Medicare is going bankrupt. Social Security is going bankrupt.
My mom: Bullshit! Bullshit!
Me: It’s okay, mom. Joe’s got your back.

1950: Oh god. He brought up the 716 billion number too. Really?

1951: I will give Paul Ryan this; he was very coherent for this argument.

1951: Hahaha Joe Biden references the Sarah Palin debate with the death panels thing.

1953: “Their ideas are old.” Wow.

1953: Ryan says “they got caught with their hand in the cookie jar.” OH MY GOD THE LOOK ON JOE BIDEN’S FACE.

1955: Wow, I want Joe to just keep interrupting Paul Ryan every time he lies. This is hilarious.

1959: …did Paul Ryan just imply that Joe Biden doesn’t have a record to run on? DA FUQ? I think that man has been in the senate longer than Paul Ryan has been alive.

2001: Joe Biden: I did give you a simple answer. They want people to pay more for Medicare.
Man, this guy is like a one man pull line machine.

2005: I love that even the moderator is asking Paul Ryan for specifics for the 20% across the board tax cuts and… he’s still not coming up with anything.
Moderator: …so no specifics yet.

2007: Joe Biden’s sure got some specifics about loopholes.

2008: Joe Biden: “Oh, now you’re Jack Kennedy?” /chugs

2008: Now Paul Ryan is pretending that the poor Republicans are just being pushed around by the President. Wow

2009: Biden: If Romney did such a good job in Massachusetts why is he not even contesting that state.
OH SHIT SON.

2010: I think the moderator is tired of the bullshit. Moving on to defense. Hoo boy.

2013: Man, this lady should be in charge of the other debates. She’s asking good questions and cutting them off when they try to go too long. Badass.

2018: I’m trying to figure out what Paul Ryan is actually saying about the timeline. It makes no sense. Like he agrees but doesn’t because “reasons.”

2021: There is some excitement here as my beer overflows. I think it’s too excited about Joe Biden talking about the surge. So much surging. (Foamiest beer ever.)

2021: Okay and is it me, or does Paul Ryan sound really patronizing every time he says “Oh, I know this thing is confusing.” It’s not confusing. You’re just an asshole.

2026: Paul Ryan doesn’t apparently understand how the UN security council works. And yeah, let’s not go to the UN. Let’s piss them off and be all alone in everything. Dumbass.

2030: Wow, she brought up abortion issue and religion.

2031: Reason and science against abortion? Do tell, Paul Ryan. Wow that’s great you were happy to see the heartbeat, but you wanted that baby.
And the biologist in the room quietly loses his shit.

2032: Wow suddenly we’re allowing exceptions now? How generous.

2033: Freedom of religion bullshit about how women getting birth control through their insurance is somehow against the first amendment FUCK YOU IN THE NECK.

2034: Joe Biden says he refuses to impose his religion upon others. THANK YOU FOR SAYING YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO CONTROL MY BODY.

2035: He brought up the forcible rape thing. Good for you Joe.

2035: Well, as a woman I feel like Joe won on abortion. Totally unbiased here. Gee, I wonder why I don’t feel like Paul Ryan generously allowing exceptions makes everything okay. Especially when I think he’s a damn liar.

2040: Another dig at the 47% thing by Joe. Nicely done.

2042: I love how the question about the advertisement negativity is answered with a bunch of negativity. Sigh.

2044: Yes Joe, god do we know that you don’t say things you don’t mean. We count on it. That’s why you’re hilarious AND awesome. Middle out, not top down. Nicely done.

Closing statements!

Joe Biden goes back to the 47% and 30% in his closing statement. It was a nice closing statement. And he used his serious voice. And mentioned Scranton.

Paul Ryan wants you to know his eyes are very blue. And that he can say thank you to rhyme with fuck you to Joe Biden. Apparently he and Mitt Romney will not duck tough issues. I guess that’s why they never answer hard questions?

…so, anyone who doesn’t think Joe Biden won needs his head examined. That is all.

Oh yeah and: I LOVE YOU JOE I HAD FOUR BEERS AND A GLASS OF PLUM WINE FOR YOU.